Category Archives: Science

Poop smear?

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 The Mad Doctor of Mott Street; I think I went to him once.

This easily wins the award for Best Stuff Found On WordPress In, Like, A Bajillion Years. Behold a small snippet of the glory that is She Got Her Pap Smear WHERE?

R (my neighbor)….”I had to take my sister to the doctor last week. She is already 23 and never had a pap smear. Since, she is a virgin, the doctor did the pap smear in her behind”.

Me…”Her behind what?”…

The conversation continues…

…See, now she has angered me and I am resorting to using big medical terms like turd and poontang.

Figuring that this might get interesting, I make myself calm down.

Me….”Why did she have to go to the doc? Is she ill?

R…..”She’s suffering from lack of malnutrition”.

Me…..”Don’t you mean lack of nutrition?”

R……”NO!! The doc said lack of malnutriton. I was standing write there when he said it.”

Me….”Well, I gotta run. Got things to do. See ya around. Hope the ass-smear turns out OK”. (Couldn’t resist saying “ass-smear”. I’m such a smart-ass sometimes)

Gyno Exam, yo. What does it LOOK like?Sounds to me like somebody needs a new gynecologist. Or more intelligent relatives. What do you say? Did this woman actually get a poop smear instead of a pap smear, or is the woman’s sister just demented and dumb as a bag of rocks, so she eventually tired of trying to explain it to said sister and just made shit up?

But yaknow whut? There is a precedent. Warning: that link not safe for work OR lunch.

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Like unicorns? Like little old ladies? You’ll love Grannycorn!

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Oh, I feel so evil, posting this.

Granicorn, yo!

Yangcheng Evening Post reports that 95 year old Granny Zhao of China first spotted a mole on her forehead three years ago. It’s since grown into the pumpkin husk like shape you see above.

Granny Zhao says it causes her no discomfort and only blocks part of her vision. It doesn’t really bother her and she basically pays it no mind. Her family, on the other hand, is hoping that medical experts can explain what the fuck it is.

Silly blogger: it’s magic! Everyone knows that if the Buddha kisses your third eye you grow a magical unicorn horn there…and you can use it for dowsing or even pick up some pretty cool radio stations! Granny Zhao is all ovah that hip hop shit.

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problem solved!

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Space Slug!Faithful readers and relentless stalkers might remember a few days ago I referred to a small “slug on the ceiling” problem, nothing too unusual chez raincoaster. Last year it was mushrooms growing in the livingroom; this year, it’s flying slugs. But it seems at last there is a solution somewhat more sophisticated than the old sprinkle salt on them, squeal “EW!” at the top of your lungs, sweep them into a dustpan, shriek when they stick to the broom, carry them outside and whack the broom handle against a tree not quite hard enough to break it procedure.

NASA simply shoots them into space! Teh Ossum! The only questions I have is, do they pick up or should I deliver and can I borrow the Canadarm to pick these buggers off the ceiling?

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the DIRTY Secret

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New Age Without Shame podcastHere’s the real secret, folks:

Sometimes New Agers can be real assholes, and the worst thing is, they float through life, wittering happily about scheduling their acupuncture according to the phases of the Jupiter’s moons, oblivious to the damage they cause, high on vast, expensive pharmacopaeas of anti-depressants and “herbs” and the fumes of rare jasmine and patchouli. And if you address their asshollery, they tell you you’re “attracting negativity by being negative” but it never once occurs to them that they, themselves, could be that negativity. I’m recycling this from the comments over at Aaron Swartz’s blog, because it deserves a wider audience, I think.

I had cancer once, a long time ago, and a friend of mine who’d come over for a “cheer me up” visit looked me in the eyes and asked, “What have you done to bring this into your life?”

I paused a moment and said, “Do you mean what have I done to bring into my life people who could ask such a question of a cancer patient?”

Yeah, I don’t see her so much anymore.

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chop, chop

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chop along the dotted line 

If Hannibal Lecter were an obstetrician, these would be standard maternity wear. As it is, they’re popular among a certain set that never should have entered the gene pool in the first place.

I know waaaaay too many women who are going for cosmetic cesareans with a side of tummy tucks, rationalizing to anyone who gets within arm’s reach that the recovery time is less than a natural birth; actually, no. They just stitch you up and send you home faster. It’s major abdominal surgery, and you’ll need that trapeze in the bedroom for getting out of bed rather than any of the activities for the sake of which you went through with an elective invasive procedure. And in case you’re wondering: he’ll still cheat on you anyway. Glad to be of service!

Stolen from Gawker, who had their own, for once somewhat less pointed words to say about it.

Actually, you know, I’d love to see Fat Bastard in one of these.

Babby! The OTHER other white meat!

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