breaking news from the world of great metaphor: Anna Nicole Smith dead of heart failure

Posted on February 8, 2007 by raincoaster

Anna Nicole Smith, mugshot Now there’s a loaded expression.

After retiring from a modelling career that went up and down with the tidal shifts in her saline implants, becoming the human trainwreck hostess of the original Reality TV celebrities-more-fucked-up-than-us show, marrying a wizened zombie with one foot in the grave (nip slip in the wedding photos), hosting a poolside wake for him a few months later and nearly knocking the casket into the water with her drunken antics, sexually assaulting at least one personal assistant, and killing off her eldest child by sharing a Barbaro-sized dose of recreational methadone, Anna Nicole Smith has finally done the right thing by her offspring and has died of the both euphemistic and true-on-so-many-levels heart failure at the Hard Rock Casino resort in Florida.

Do you know anyone else who parties so hard they take a private nurse with them to the Casino?

Update: looks like she needed that nurse!

While it’s a shame when anyone so young is taken, I can’t bring myself to shed a tear for this narcissistic hedonist. Her little girl (paternity still a matter before the courts) is better off without her. If Anna Nicole Smith did an honest, generous act in her life the track record would lead me to believe she did it by accident.

Anna Nicole Smith, party girl Defamer, as always, has the best roundup.

Larry King is back, and he’s confident that the legal system will eventually figure out who’s the father of her newborn daughter Dannielynn. He almost sounds cocky about it, leading us to suspect he’s trying to hint the baby is his, just to prove his incredible virility at an advanced age.

King once again falls into reverie, recalling the time she appeared on his show so drunk and incomprehensible that SNL reran the interview without altering it. She’s compared to Marilyn Monroe (for a variety of reasons), called “not the smartest woman in the world,” but also “fun.” King is clearly working through his feelings on-air.

BEST! BLOG! PLUGIN! EVAR!

Posted on February 7, 2007 by raincoaster

100% shit-free, this is the absolute best blog plugin the world has ever known. I defy you to find one with more universal appeal. It’s flexible, with a little imagination it works in any theme, and properly installed it entails almost no risk of spreading a virus.

It’s even compatible with a wide variety of platforms, including Blogspot, the trailer tramp of the blogosphere and WordPress.com, the strict English governess of the blogosphere.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present Blog for Sex!

In an effort to encourage me to revive this blog, my wife has imposed this “No blog, No sex” rule. The rule is simple: I am supposed to blog at least once a week in exchange for love-making. The hornier I get, the more blog entries I get to post.

Note that you must upload your own sexual partner, rather than hotlinking Marc’s. Hat-tip to a certain degenerate horse blogger. You may do what you like with THAT mental picture.

Up and Coming! Shape up or slip out!

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interviewing the Fatal Attraction Asshatronaut

Posted on February 7, 2007 by raincoaster

Ladies Home Journal has a telling interview with the Astronaut Amok who made the news yesterday by swathing herself in a wig, trenchcoat and Depends and driving a thousand miles to try to kidnap her romantic rival. A close read is very rewarding; you can see the control-freakery and the huge, lumbering ego in their embroyonic states.

Via Gawker.

that you can find a way to accomplish a goal that’s not clearly down the path you originally planned, but down a different path.

So I’d say in general, I like to do a wide variety of things, and probably like most people I liked it better if I was good at something. But if I wasn’t, I either worked harder to get good at it, or tried to find something else that could accomplish the same goal…

just in time for Valentine’s Day: Squid porn

Posted on February 7, 2007 by raincoaster

From a commenter on Pharyngula, shocking new evidence of Squid Troilism.

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Prince is the King

Posted on February 6, 2007 by raincoaster

You doubt?

and

To all you nasty H8erz: the man has a penis 35 feet long, the FCC is too in love with him to take issue with his blatant display of self-love right there in the halftime show, he’s had more hit records than you’ve had burritos, he successfully stuck it to the record conglomerates in a brilliantly subversive and artistic way, and he’s had every woman he ever wanted (three of them got pregnant just from his sidelong glances!). Also, he’s been known to do a set or two at piddly little clubs in places like, say, Vancouver, just for shits and giggles without even taking a piece of the five dollar (Canadian) cover.

Let’s go to the transcripts, shall we?

No need for the teams to come back out. The game is over. It was a very entertaining first half, but Prince is just gonna hold it down for the next couple hours. It’s all good.

You scored as Parade Prince. You are the Parade Prince.
You know that you are funny and make everyone around you feel better.
You’re funny and smart and witty.

Parade Prince

100%

Around The World In A Day Prince

67%

Diamonds & Pearls Prince

67%

Dirty Mind/Controversy Prince

67%

Musicology Prince

67%

Sign ‘O’ The Times Prince

67%

Purple Rain Prince

67%

Slave Prince

67%

Grafitti Bridge

67%

1999 Prince

50%

You’re Not Prince… You’re The Artist

33%

Lovesexy Prince

Which Prince ERA are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

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raincoaster

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Category Archives: Sex

interviewing the Fatal Attraction Asshatronaut

Prince is the King

Don't keep it to yourself!

Don't keep it to yourself!

Don't keep it to yourself!

Don't keep it to yourself!

Don't keep it to yourself!