suicide girls…and boys…and women…and men

Suicide Girls logoNormally, this is the kind of thing you check out at Snopes before posting: a roundup of allegedly authentic suicide notes. But because this comes from The Well, and from Art Kleiner, I’m going to give it the nod for straight posting. If he’s really been duped by a scheming, frustrated novelist of a coroner, that in itself is post-worthy, and besides, these are fascinating to read.

Suicide Notes

These suicide notes were gathered at the coroners’ offices by a suicidologist/psychiatrist who asked to be anonymous. He edited identifying details out of the compiled manuscript, and we changed the names. But the text of each letter plus the age and sex given are real. All these people did kill themselves. Were they ambivalent about it? About half the hundred or so letters we saw seemed to have some element of doubt.(There’s a strange story in computer folklore about a suicide note that appeared late one night on the Arpanet computer network. The other people on the network had regularly corresponded with the mean, but always under the name of his lab not his own name. When the message saying he was killing himself flashed on the screen they tried to call the police, but nobody could identify him, and he died.) — Art Kleiner

Single female, age 21

My dearest Andrew,

It seems as if I have been spending all my life apologizing to you for things that happened whether they were my fault or not.

I am enclosing your pin because I want you to think of what you took from me every time you see it.

I don’t want you to think I would kill myself over you because you’re not worth any emotion at all. It is what you cost me that hurts and nothing can replace it…

Married male, age 74

What is a few short years to live in hell. That is all I get around here.

No more I will pay the bills.

No more I will drive the car.

No more I will wash, iron & mend any clothes.

No more I will have to eat the leftover articles that was cooked the day before.

This is no way to live.

Either is it any way to die.

Her grub I can not eat.

At night I can not sleep.

I married the wrong nag-nag-nag and I lost my life.

W.S.

to the undertaker

We have got plenty money to give me a decent burial. Don’t let my wife kid you by saying she has not got any money.

Give this note to the cops.

read the rest

Give me liberty or give me death.

W.S….

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the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith takes over the body of Sharon Stone

Well, how else would you explain the following? A familiarity with “Naughty Germans” is something one could easily associate with the erstwhile Trimspa Goddess, the Methadone Muse, as of course is loopily intoxicated showtime behaviour.

But Sharon Stone? Totally different story! Video over the jump…

Stolen from Defamer.

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the perfect religion!

 Theological potholes ahead, check your shocks!

In a primarily Relativist culture, we are often faced with the difficulty of acknowledging and expressing the equality of all faiths, no matter how loopy, unproductive or just plain unfashionable they may be. This service, by the Frantics, has finally answered the great question which lies at the heart of all religions:

in an imperfect world where the message of the divine is often difficult for us to hear,
just exactly how do we completely cover our asses?

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quiz: is your houseplant plotting against you?

  [::..Is Ur House Plant Plotting Sumthing Against U???..::]  

*nods* yes, your plant is certainly plotting something against you, but of course we can never predict what a plant will do next, so throw it away as soon as possible… that is if it doesn’t come back, and if it DOES just burn it… toodles!

Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

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cash for cadavers, the dead celebrity lottery!

Seal Number Seven...are you sure it wasn't a sea lion?

Cash for Cadavers (Oh, how I wish I’d known about them last week, I coulda made a fortune!) is a uniquely morbid, cynical, and celebrity-obssessed betting system.

So it’s got ME written all over it!

This is the way it works, and yes, it is real.

Each team chips in twenty dollars and picks twenty celebrities they believe will die in the upcoming year. Each celebrity is assigned a point value based solely on how many teams picked that specific person. For instance, everyone seems to feel that The Pope‘s number is up, so his point value is very low. People die, points are accumulated, and the lucky schmo with the most points at the end of the year wins the jackpot.

Points are only awarded to bona fide celebrities. For the sake of this game, celebrity status is determined by North American, non-categorically-specific media source. The Associated Press, for instance, runs a national obituary page every day. USA Today, New York Times, CNN, etc.
We emphasize that it must be a general news source; if your celebrity’s death appears in Field & Stream but nowhere else, he or she is not a celebrity.

Short, nasty and brutish. I love it! The team names are marvelous: My Death in a Box, Please Sir I Want Some Muerte, Tuesday is Rib Nite At Pete’s Crematorium, Croakin’ 2: Electric Deathaloo, Christopher’s Reeve’s Dancecard, and the delightfully obscure Waiting for Bengt Ekerot. Note that their definition of “Celebrity” is quite strict, and is, in fact, the most detailed part of the website. Well, it’s such a competitive field!

BART THE BEAR CLAWS: (Claws? Clause? Har har.) Animals can be played on Cash4Cadavers assuming that they meet the criteria for “celebrity.” Specific, named animals (like Morris the Cat or Bart the Bear) only; none of that “world’s oldest tortoise” crap. If you want to play the world’s oldest tortoise you’ll tell us its name, Poindexter. 

No word on whether stage names are enough to specify a celebustiff, nor any specifics about cases where the soul may have left the body but for whatever cruel and sadistic reason, the Devil hasn’t taken out the trash yet: I would call this the Kissinger Caveat.

Want to see how your picks are doing? Check the Deaths page: I only recognize Art Buschwald, Anna Nicole (the floater is hilarious! See also Paddy Mitchell, eh) and Barbaro. Hey, what’s Arianna Huffington doing in there twice?

I note with interest that it does not actually seem to be against the rules to kill the celebrities yourself.

What? WHAT? I’m just making note of the fine print is all…

Anna Nicole, our angel

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