Culture Clash

London Calling

All I can say about this story is, if my phone ever goes off in an English cab, I'm toast. It's quite remarkable what qualifies one to be a terrorist nowadays. Apparently, a fondness for classic bands is enough. Oh, is this the place to mention I was quoted out of context in the Daily Mail today? I feel so…indifferent. But I'm still gonna put 'em on my resume!

Together Mann and the driver enjoyed Procol Harum's "A Whiter Shade Of Pale." But soon things turned sour. Suddenly the driver was sitting in horrified silence as Mann played Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song."

When Mann sang along with punk legends The Clash's "London Calling," with its warnings "Now war is declared — and battle come down" and "meltdown expected," the scared cabbie could do nothing but wait.

"He didn't like Led Zeppelin or The Clash but I don't think there was any need to tell the police," Mann told the Daily Mirror.

Customs is your friend

Polar BearYou might not believe me when I say that, but Customs is your friend. Specifically, the customs agent who goes through your luggage and finds the four hundred pounds of bear meat from Canada, along with the approximately 60,000,000 worms with which it was infested.

Don't mess with Canada! We'll poison your skinny French ass! 2, 4, 6, 8, time for us to infestate!

Of course, if you knew the first thing about cooking wild game, you'd never have had the problem in the first place. The headline really should read "Don't Eat Canadian Bear Sashimi." People who don't know how to eat bear should not shoot bear, and if they do they definitely shouldn't stow it in their luggage, sneak it across the Atlantic, and invite a snotload of their soon-to-be-ex friends over for a feast.

Don't eat Canadian bears: French health officials 

[and yeah, you can read an invisible "or" in there too if you're feeling mean]

PARIS, April 3, 2006 (AFP) – France's health watchdogs have issued an unusual warning about bear meat, citing the case of French hunters who shot a bear in Canada, ate the meat and then fell violently sick with a parasitic disease…The bulletin warned hunters against "the common mistake of thinking that meat that comes from animals which have been hunted in the wild is always healthy."
 
Those who ate fully-cooked portions of meat suffered no ill-effects, but those who had even a mouthful of portions that were rare fell ill. The meat was found to be crawling with the worms — the average was 295 larvae per gramme.

It is, of course, still permissable and even on occasion encouraged, to eat Canadians. But ask nicely first.

Ten Worst April Fool’s Pranks

Strife

This is just brilliant; it perfectly exemplifies the thuggishness and ignorance that typify April Fool's Day. A list of the ten stupidest April Fool's jokes of all time, headed up by Saddam and Uday Hussein; hey, let no man say they weren't a barrel of laughs after hours. And Iraq gets the coveted #10 position as well:

#10: The Iraqi Ambassador's Final Joke

On April 1, 2003, as thousands of American-led coalition troops stormed across Iraq, the Iraqi ambassador to Russia, Abbas Khalaf Kunfuth, held a press conference in Moscow. Many were expecting him to announce that Iraq conceded defeat. Instead Kunfuth chose this moment to hold a gag press conference. Holding up a piece of paper that he identified as a news flash from Reuters, he read aloud from it: "The Americans have accidentally fired a nuclear missile into British forces, killing seven." Immediately the room full of reporters went silent with shock. Then Kunfuth grinned and shouted 'April Fools!' Only a few days after this unexpected moment of levity, the Iraqi government completely collapsed.

Storm Warnings

Indian Immigrant Workers USA

You don't need a weatherman to see which way the wind blows, not if your eyes are open.

The Guardian reports that immigrant workers in Dubai have begun rioting and taking job action in retaliation for systematic abuse and coersion. http://www.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,,1741686,00.html

[Frankly I hate this new linking system WordPress has put in, but what can I do?]

Unrest spreads among hundreds of thousands of migrant workers toiling on vast building projects.

Labourers, most from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh, trapped into working here by crippling debts, sleep eight to a room and work long shifts for paltry wages and with no job security. They spend hours on bus trips to the sites each day, frequently go for months without pay, and are left penniless when contractors go bankrupt. For the first time, years of accumulated frustration and resentment have now boiled over into a series of strikes and demonstrations.

"I had big dreams when I came to Dubai," said Umprakash, 30, an Indian from Rajasthan, who has worked as a labourer here for a decade. "But we're in a miserable condition. I've forgotten all of my studies. Now I just use a hand shovel. This is no life for educated people," he said. "I wish I'd never heard of Dubai."

"There is no accountability and nobody questions the system because there are no political rights," said Mohammed al-Roken, a human rights lawyer and the former head of the Emirates' Jurists Association. "The elites are buying the allegiance of their citizens."

"There must be a change, otherwise this might explode in the face of society," he said.

This parallels what my mother told me from the mid-Eighties, when she was in Saudi Arabia. Back then, the workers were Bangladeshi and Korean, for some reason, and a significant number were not officially allowed to be in the country. Saudi Arabia is very pissy about who they let in and who they don't. Just try getting in there if your passport has a stamp from Israel; my mother paid the border guard fifty bucks not to stamp it when she went to Haifa.

So. Illegal immigrants, working and sending money back to their families. And the more illegal you are, the less you're paid; that's a given. Hell, we see it everywhere. Ask the last waiter who served you if he's ever heard of anything like that, and he'll probably go pale and ask if you're from immigration. So these workers, being not just illegal immigrants but also, particularly in the Koreans' case, unbelievers, were horribly abused and taken advantage of. They were paid a living wage, barely, but once the boss had no more use for them, they were let go without passage home. Even if they'd entered the country legally, they were thus rendered illegal, as their permits allowed them to stay only so long as they were employed. This left a substantial and growing under-underclass, a sub-basement of humanity, to roam the streets upon which it was illegal to be "homeless."

So they got creative.

Once, during the period my mother lived in Riyadh, it rained. It does that every few years there, and when it does, it doesn't hold back. Suddenly you realize just what force it was that created all those odd desert corrugations, as the water sluices over the land, carving away chunks of it, carrying off huge slabs of highway and, in this case, causing the wholly inadequate storm sewers of Riyadh to erupt in geysers of mud, rainwater, and worse.

Sitting in the back of the limousine which was the only way she was allowed to get to work, being an unmarried female, my mother looked out into the pelting rain and saw bodies, Korean bodies, floating in the swell, bumping up against the curbs, and, every now and then, being geysered out of the sewers by eight foot tall fountains of runoff.

Following in their wake were all their posessions. Stools, broken-down chairs, pots and pans. Books. Not very many of those. But everything they had was flushed out by that once-in-a-lifetime rain, brought up from the underground where they dwelt in the sewers, outlawed, run off, forgotten.

It took them days to clean up the city. No-one would touch the bodies of the unbelievers.

A Tale of Two Solitudes

Border!

There's a reason God put that border there. Let me tell you some stories…

But first, let me show you something from Hansard:

Mr. Jerry Pickard (Chatham–Kent Essex, Lib.): Canada and the United States share some 8,800 kilometres of border. In Canada we employ more inspectors and people at the border than our U.S. counterparts. Canada has 350 citizenship and immigration inspectors and 2,400 customs inspectors while the United States at the same time has approximately 1,500 in total.

Many statements have been made by politicians in Canada and in the United States that Canada is a haven for terrorism. That is absolutely not true. Let us look at terrorism and what happened tragically on September 11. Canadians did not go into the United States and create that danger. However we have to look very carefully at border operations between Canada and the United States. Certainly some changes need to occur.

Senior bureaucrats in the United States have commented that most of the western border crossings do not operate on a 24 hour basis. They were talking about North Dakota. Three out of fifteen border crossings operate on a 24 hour a day system. That means the other 12 only operate from 9 until 5. The only thing that stops anybody from crossing the border is a red cone in the middle of the road. That is not the protection we expect between Canada and the United States.

North DakotaAnd that, my friends, is not the shadowy, threatening implication the Americans are trying to make, but it is nonetheless shadowy, threatening, and implied.

Americans could be sneaking across the border into Canada!

In fact, they are. They've been doing it for as long as the US has had wars. Nelson's packed to the rafters with ex-American military types, not to mention draft dodgers who simply avoided the whole thing. Unlike Cheney, they couldn't come up with five consecutive deferments.

But things are different now. Since 9/11 some of the people inCanuckistan Terrorist North Dakota have gotten a mite worried about those wild-eyed Arab hordes who could come sweeping down from Manitoba at any moment. I hear bison can go without food or water for up to three hours at a time! It's getting them into a trot that's the problem.

Anyway, it just so happened that some of these anxious American folks lived not too far from a border crossing, one of those mentioned above that is open from 9-5 and closed the rest of the time. It's guarded by the very latest in red traffic cone technology, and it was this fact which the Yanks found somewhat nervous-making, fearing above-mentioned Canuckistan Terrorist invasion. They demanded change.

They got it.

The Canadians took action immediately, responding with alacrity to the pleas of their neighbors and allies to the South. Security at that border checkpoint has now doubled. Yep.

Two red cones.

Now let me tell you another story.

Did you hear about the militiamen who have taken it upon themselves to drop the rebuilding of Biloxi and New Orleans, to quit their volunteering with the Red Cross, to tell the peacekeepers in Africa to talk to the hand. These suburban Pa-in-laws and Jethros have asserted their right to bear arms as part of a militia. Now, you and I know it goes on to read "against the British" but let's not get too fussy. It's bad manners to correct a gun-toting Texan, or at least it's bad thinkin'.

So they got them some hot militia action. And what are they doing as part of said militia? They're guarding the border with Mexico, that's what they're doing. Because it was that or go to Iraq, right? So when Pancho looks across the Rio Grande, he can see row upon row of middle-aged men with beer guts and golf shirts and thirty-aught-sixes and know the meaning of fear.

But lo, the patriotism of the suburban battallions knows no bounds.

For lo, they have come north. That's right people; armed and patriotic hobbyists from Middle America are currently patrolling the BC border, keeping a keen eye out for any caribou-jockey invasions coming down from the rugged steppes of Whalley. The Mounties, not insensible to the potential for fireworks, asked them whether they truly intended to shoot anyone they caught crossing the border from Canada to the US; they replied It is far easier to make war than peace, I mean Yew Betcha! or words to that effect.

Not many more weeks later, one of the militiamen shot himself slightly, accidental-like. Nothing life-threatening, but a bullet is a bullet and probably good for a purple heart, but you need the doc to sign for it. The nearest hospital to the bushwhacking warrior was in White Rock, BC.

He was turned back at the border for not having papers.