Category Archives: Vancouver

new ‘out of office’ replies

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from Raj:

this one works for me

New Out of Office Replies:

1. I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall. Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness
sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an appropriate response to your request.

2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

9. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Martha’ instead of ‘Marvin’.

things I have not found blogworthy recently

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And here I thought I wasn’t jaded. Now that's what I call broadband!

  • the naked guy in the park on the night of the last full moon, who came out of the bushes to admire Hermione’s very snazzy blue scooter, but had to go back in shortly to protect his … I think it was a pot of gold?…something like that…from the “scary people you get around here.”
  • the contents of the grille around the base of a small maple tree on the sidewalk in Chinatown: eight cigarette butts, three needles, one syringe, several Chinese candy wrappers, three old lottery tickets.
  • the contents of the grille around the base of a small maple tree in Yaletown: eight cigarette butts, six with lipstick, and one Champagne cork.
  • the time we all had to evacuate the bus when the guy who had been talking about Dostoyevsky got up to give his seat to a woman with a baby and a rig fell out of his pocket.
  • the fact that the next vehicle with which I interacted was a Lamborghini, which made it all better.
  • the fact that the amazing healing powers of the Lamborghini have previously been unreported.
  • the peculiar incident of the dog in the night-time. And Nina. And the homeless guys. Long story…some other time, perhaps.
  • the fact that every Segway ever made turns out to be disastrously faulty and dangerous, so the Segway‘s been recalled. Just like the US 2004 election…oh, wait…

the T factor; thieving Italians in Vancouver

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Anybody know these guys? The link to the video was posted over at Waiterblog, so believe me, they’d better not dine out in Vancouver again. I don’t know why, but chefs here tend to be both burly and armed with an interesting and vast assortment of very sharp implements.

Two dirty italians decide to film their dinner and a dash in Vancouver BC. This happened on February 2005. The restaurant was the Rugby Beach Grille. Alessio says: “their service one night sucked real bad and they were rude…so we decided to come back and get our money’s worth…”
Well done boys.

BC’s old geologist pwns Canada’s new government

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 Stephen Harper does SO eat babies!

It’s a fact: Canadian politics are boring lately. Since Harper went to ground and the media obediently took the oath of Omertà, there’s been very little in the news except the weekly notification of which worthy provincial celebrity has dropped out of the Liberal leadership race, plus bonus polysyllabic mistrals spluttering forth from Ignatieff, who has not yet been informed that he is a walking dead man. 

I think that part of the problem is that the Canadian political establishment is filled with Canadians, and that, further, those Canadians are also politicians. And that, furtherer, those Canadian politicians are in a minority government whose opposition has not yet chosen their leader. It’s a bit like being Frodo and watching the Witch King of Angmar trying to choose which sword with which to skewer you; one tends to get very quiet.

Now, finally, there’s some conflict, some controversy, some life in Canadian politics, and it’s all because of a maverick geologist. CTV has the report.

Isn’t it always? Casting suggestions include: Mel Gibson, Brad Pitt, Jackie Chan, and, of course, George (DemocracyMan) Clooney.

A B.C. scientist fired for lampooning an order to call Stephen Harper’s Tory government “Canada‘s new government” is back on the job.

Geologist Andrew Okulitch said Tuesday he was reinstated as a scientist emeritus with the Geological Survey of Canada after a call from the deputy minister of natural resources.

The 64-year-old Saltspring Island resident, who Canuckistan terroristhas worked for the federal government for 35 years, said he was fired Sept. 5 after he e-mailed an undiplomatic response to a government directive.

The government memo ordered him to use the phrase “new government of Canada” on official correspondence from the Geological Survey of Canada.

Okulitch immediately fired off an e-mail saying civil servants are not paid to mouth political slogans.

He said the policy was “ridiculous and embarrassing” and said he will use Geological Survey of Canada in any official correspondence “as opposed to idiotic buzzwords coined by political hacks.”

Minutes later he received an equally blunt e-mail from the Natural Resources Ministry saying Okulitch‘s misdirected views reflect the decision to immediately remove him from his position…

“They are basically apologizing by reinstating me,” he said…  

Okulitch said the government shouldn’t be ordering the supposedly unbiased civil servants to adopt government slogans.  

Natural Resources Minister Gary Lunn said he believes in the new government slogan, but it’s not something bureaucrats are expected to adopt. 

“I’m proud to use it,” he said in Ottawa.  “We’re proud to be the new government of Canada. This is not something that we expect department officials or bureaucrats to use at all.”

The e-mail that went to Okulitch should never have been sent to him, Lunn said…

The Prime Minister’s Office could not be reached for comment on its new slogan.

I prefer this one:

Canuckistan

Contest: Sunday Serial Thriller

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From Lois Peterson‘s Surreywriters list. Note that this is not paid writing work, which is, of course, how I came to hear about it:

On Sunday the Province will lanch the Sunday Serial Thriller, a 12-part mini-novel set in Vancouver.

The first and last chapters will be written by Daniel Kalla, with the the other chapters contributed by Province readers.  Prizes to be won include a trip to Mexico.

Complete details, and the first instalment, appears in the Sunday Province.