Category Archives: Vancouver

Doomed Internet Project #995,228,135

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Teaching Americans how to behave.

Working in touristy areas like Gastown, Granville Island and the Quay, I've seen some beauts. The French woman who loudly and Frenchly slagged everything in the store before buying the hideous and hideously overpriced sweater known to the staff as "the Dead Ostrich." We ventured an "Au revoir!" and suggestions for local restaurants all in fluent French as we were packing up her loathesome electric blue monstrosity. She couldn't leave without it, so she had to stand there realizing we'd understood every word she'd said.

There were also the obnoxious Germans, and the Saudis who seem to think they carry a little bubble of the Kingdom around with them…but mostly, there were the Americans.

Someone once asked me why we never saw any polite, quiet Americans, and I replied that we did, but we just mistook them for Canadians. We grew tired of answering, "Why are all your prices in Canadian dollars?" and "Why does your money come in different colours?" and "It's just the same as Seattle," which I kind of enjoyed hearing because it was the signal for Frances and me to start talking in French. Her French was dreadful, but it was good enough to shut the Americans up.

"Remember," I said to one truly obnoxious fellow, "when you got on the big silver bird [insert hands making plane shadow puppet] you left your country."

BC Book and Magazine Week

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They say that in order to succeed in any field it is critical to have mentors. More established, experienced practitioners who've been down all the false trails and worked out the kinks, they provide a guideline and touchstone to the newbies. As a gossipiste I have Perez Hilton to look up to, and I have learned a great deal.

Swag rules, baby!

So, both because I know this is a great event that many of my readers will be interested in, AND because James Sherrett offered me a bribe, the raincoaster blog presents:

BC Book and Magazine WeekBC Book and Magazine Week

BC Book & Magazine Week (BCBMW) is a collective project that the Association of Book Publishers of BC (ABPBC) and the BC Association of Magazine Publishers (BCAMP) coordinate annually. This weeklong literary celebration was founded in January 1999 as BC Book Week. In 2001 the event expanded to include the provinces magazine industry in continued celebration of British Columbia's literary arts scene.

This year, BC Book & Magazine Week will run from Saturday, April 22 to 29, 2006, with events hosted throughout the Lower Mainland, Vancouver Island and the Okanagan. BCBMW's purpose is to instill in British Columbians the importance of the local publishing industry and its contributors, writers, photographers and illustrators; it contributes not only to literacy, but to the province's culture and identity as well.

The week re-establishes British Columbia's valuable and dynamic role in the Canadian publishing industry and is an excellent opportunity for the ABPBC and BCAMP to promote and support their members: the publishers of BC books and magazines, and those who make the industry successful – the readers and writers.

As a result of the buzz created by the media, the roster of writers and the fantastic events put on each year, British Columbians are becoming increasingly aware of this annual event that celebrates the richness of BC books and magazines.

Now, the serious poop here is in the blog. If you're a literatus looking for a good time (and who among us is not?) check it out regularly, because it lists all the most bibliotastic book launches, parties, contests, etc within reach of downtown Vancouver. And most of them are free, us not being the type to walk around loaded down with cashola. More of said hot poop on the Upcoming.org listing.

See you there?

Shebeen Club: My Life in Crime

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Truman, very TruTake two: the first attempt at posting this went kapoof!

Apparently, this little press release of mine has stirred up quite a response. The presenter emailed me a bit anxiously, noting that he's in every paper in town today. Funny, that. I found myself to be considerably less upset about it. Good thing he doesn't know Granta is on the list, along with every literary magazine in the US and Canada (all the ones I could find emails for, anyway). Hey, sooner or later everyone comes through Vancouver, and that woman in Georgia said some very nice things in January.

Someone told Maikopunk that the release was "tasteless and glib." While I fully cop to the glibitude, I must protest the characterization of this missive as "tasteless." As with the finest works of the esteemed cinematic genius Mr. John Waters, it is in the very best of Bad Taste.

Vulgar is the new black.Holmes and Watson

 

In any case, her friend was perversely piqued and intrigued by her put-downs, and once I actually posted the word "Harumph" on her blog, signed up for two tickets.

As the great Gawker says,

It's Not Whoring If You Do It For Free

For immediate release: post/forward at will!

Who: The Shebeen Club presents Jeremy Hainsworth, crime reporter extraordinaire

What: My Life in Crime!  When: 7-9pm Tuesday, April 18th, 2006 (3rd Tuesday ea month)

Where: The Shebeen, behind the Irish Heather, 217 Carrall

Why: Voyeurism runs deep, baby! Find out what it really takes to do this job. It’s not all fedoras and dive bars. 

How (much)? $20 before April 14th, $25 thereafter

reservations and media inquiries: lorraine.murphy at gmail dot com.

Admission includes a criminally good dinner/drink combo! This month it will be a Bloody Mary and your choice of blood pudding and a side of fries/salad OR a vegetarian blood orange entree salad. Bloody marvelous!

 Background: https://raincoaster.wordpress.com/2006/03/18/the-shebeen-club-a-history-in-press-releases/ 

Putting the “laughter” in “manslaughter.”

 

With patented black humour, Jeremy will lead us down the dark and twisted alleys of a crime reporter’s life. From paperwork to prison visits, we’ll become one with the sordid underbelly of Vancouver. It’s Blood Alley, so we’re halfway there!

Jeremy will also be discussing (and bringing a copy of) the publication ban on the Pickton trial.

Dress: Clark Kent, Lois Lane, or Raymond Chandler. Ann Rule doesn’t know how to dress!  

Bio: Jeremy Hainsworth is one of a handful of journalists writing for the international media from Vancouver. As B.C correspondent for the AP, he has had the dubious honour of covering the ongoing hearings of alleged serial killer Robert Pickton and the Air India terrorism case. He has freelanced for Reuters, was senior crime reporter for The Calgary Herald, senior editor of Sterling News Service (his office was below that of Conrad Black's partner David Radler), and managing editor of the Dawson Creek daily paper where he covered his first murder from seeing the body to the release of the convicted youths.

He has a diploma in journalism from Langara and a BA from UBC. His work has appeared in many of the world's major newspapers on every continent except Antarctica where penguins cannot read. 

The ShebeenMeet & Mingle 7-7:30

Listen & Learn 7:30-8

Wistful reminiscences of hookers with hearts of gold 8-9

 

icu. or not. whatever.

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Urban Camo SuitThe other day I was walking home along the Drive, and, as I walk pretty snappily, I was passing saunterer after saunterer. If they can put fast and slow lanes in the swimming pool, why can't they put them on the sidewalk for god's sake? Instead we have the morass lane, the poleaxed tourist lane, the distracted lovers' lane, and the fat lazy grampa in a scooter lane all rolled into one. And, because it's the 21st Century and nobody grows up anymore, we have the skinny grampa on a motorized skateboard or Segway lane as well. It's all I can do not to kick them into traffic.

So I was walking down the street, enjoying the sunshine and the feeling of the wind as it whipped past my shoulders at high speed. And ahead, I saw what I refer to as an "ambulatory landscape feature" ie someone walking more slowly than I. He was dressed all in camo, from his head to his foot, and you could tell, heavy weight on his style he did put. A manpurse of nylon he had slung on his back, and his pants were so low I do swear I saw crack. His boots, how they clompéd, his laces untied. You could tell this fat mofo was a man of some pride.

As I passed, I deliberately bumped into him.

"Sorry," I said. "Didn't see you there."

I don't think he got it.

The Drive Street Hockey Forever

Cobras on a Plane!!!!!

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Snakes on a Motherfucking Plane!!!!!

As previously reported on Gridskipper and the BoJo Blog, I have a snakes on a plane story of my very own. Well, it's my dad's, but since he died I think it now belongs to my sister and me, at least it does as long as nobody gives the evil ex-stepmother this URL. She's been known to liberate things from time to time, including my parents' wedding presents and heirloom furniture. But enough about her; you want to read about snakes on a PLANE.

Think about this the next time you're tempted to complain because the bag of honey-roasted peanuts was stale and the drinks cart ran out of V8.

My father was a mechanic with Canadian Airlines (later Air Canada). At one point the airline cheaped out and bought four or five used planes from Pakistan International Airlines. When they arrived there was a great deal of work to do to get them in shape, but virtually the first day a mechanic popped the cowling of one of the engines and was greeted by a startled and angry cobra. He didn’t get bit, but they did check the rest of the plane and found quite a few snakes, in fact, stowed away in warm spots. And figuring the others would be in similar shape, they parked the load of them outside in the Canadian winter for a week or so, just to make sure those cobras would be good and dead by the time someone had to work on the damn planes.

BTW the bulkhead between the refuse tanks and the cargo compartment had long since corroded away on a couple of the planes, so the Pakistani passengers’ luggage was essentially stewing in a chilled poop soup for the duration of their flights.