Fitness Fun: the Pranciest damn exercise videos you’ll ever see

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I’m not even kidding. Nobody can top the description MichaelK came up with for the outfit. Joanna Rohrback resembles nothing so much as a freeze-dried Rosanna Arquette, adorned with:

Trace Cyrus galloping through a lavender field while getting attacked by bees. If you really want to look like a professional prancer who is serious about prancing, put a 30 pound wig on top of your head, a gorgeous QVC necklace around your neck, a coral Talbots cardigan on your body and ankle weights (which kind of look like rolled socks, glamour!) around your ankles.

You don’t think that can be possible, do you? You don’t think the reality could possibly live up to that description. Well, you haven’t met Rohrback yet, have you. Behold.

Prancercise

Prancercise

The thing is…the thing nobody is saying is…these are all actually the same goddam move, gramma. Stop this “Prancersise Walk, Prancercise Trot, Prancercise Gallop, Prancercise Box” foollery and take those ridiculous shoulderpads out! There is no such thing as a “Power Cardi.”

Well, we lied. The arm movements that, at the walk, are passably chic and make you think that Gramma must have really gotten her groove on back in the 70’s, devolve as the pace escalates to the “Broken-winged eagle trying to lift off” and then to the truly pitiful “Crushed Butterfly.”

Butterflies aren't free, clearly

Butterflies aren’t free, clearly

Even in life, there is the reminder of death. Yea, even in Prancercise.

OddityCentral calls this the most awkward workout of all time. Clearly, they haven’t watched the Julian Assange version of Prancersise. Yes, it’s true; would I lie to you? From time to time the bobbies let him out of the embassy for some fresh air, as long as he promises to be back in time for tea. And here he is.

And, of course, there’s a strong showing from an 80’s hair model.

Your votes?

MEYER MONTH – Alaina Capri, M(e)y(er) Kind of Gal.

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I stumbled across the trailer for Common Law Cabin and could not believe this woman. She’s amazing, and it’s a damn shame she didn’t act more. She was like a feral Angie Dickinson crossed with Catherine Zeta Jones.

lydiarghgrace's avatarMiss Meyer

Out of all the numerous women to have graced Russ Meyer’s filmography, only one stands out miles in front of the others for me. As soon as I clapped my eyes on Alaina Capri I knew that she was my Meyer girl. A figure to die for with curves in all the right places, a perfectly coiffed beehive, bedroom eyes laced with feline eyeliner that I can only dream of being able to do, a mouth that reels off sardonic, acid-tinged one-liners that cut through the air like a knife. Capri, like many of the other Meyer women, was one of a kind but sadly only starred in two of the directors features. Oh, how I wish she’d done more.

Not a great deal is known about Capri. One of eight children, Alaina was born Aelina Tuccinardi on June 13th 1939 and grew up in Inglewood, California. At one point during…

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Vince in the Bay Podcast: Disorderly Conduct – Hammond Plea Deal

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Save Jeremy Hammond

Save Jeremy Hammond

Tonight I was a guest (one of a mob, really) on the Vince in the Bay radio podcast, talking about the Jeremy Hammond plea deal that was announced today.I didn’t do too badly, considering I haven’t slept since Sunday. Once again I think how nice it is to talk with people who don’t jump out of their skins when you talk about the coming revolution. Although it’s doubtful some of the more conservative people I work with will be thrilled to the very core of their beings at some of what I said. Take a listen to me, Vince, Subverzo, allshiny, Andrew “Panda” Blake, ShadowDXS, FuxNet, Hammurabis Code, Nicole Powers, Neal Rauhauser, and shokufeyesib.

[audio http://www.blogtalkradio.com/vinceinthebay/2013/05/29/disorderly-conduct–hammond-plea-deal.mp3]

If you want to see what the back row of the audience looks like at a podcast, you can scroll through the chatroom log. Enjoy?

Spirit Animal

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It has been a long, hard day of work…no, wait. That’s not quite right. It has been a long hard TWO days of work packed into one from-10-am-Monday-to-5-am-Tuesday stretch, thanks to getting three article assignments after 9pm, due by dawn. Gee, thanks. Remind me to delete all article pitches at 7pm sharp and simply re-post them the next morning.

Anyhoodle, I ran across the Dancing Queen of Eastleigh here and I just wanted to say that she is my spirit animal. I haven’t got the strength to do this right now, but if I did, I would. Because this queen needs some backup princesses to really make this look work.

  • Tim Wayne

    Tim Wayne 2 weeks ago

    I wonder if this woman knows she put a smile on the faces of over a hundred thousand people.

    · 21

  • Jane Rowland

    Jane Rowland 2 weeks ago

    Hi Tim, yes she does know, through me taking this video I have now met her and we have become friends… she is so pleased she has made people happy and she still dances at the bus stop every day. :D

    · 27 in reply to Tim Wayne

Buy the Rob Ford Crack Tape! an Indiegogo project

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Rob Ford and Pals

Rob Ford and Pals

Ladies and Gentlemen, by now you’ve heard the rumour that Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto, has been caught on video smoking crack (and wearing unbecoming clothing). The owner of the video wants $100,000 for it, apparently not figuring that Ford would have that much hush money handy. That’s only three cents from each Canadian, so I thought it would make a nice exercise in national unity for us all to band together and buy this thing.

I sensed a need. I filled it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting the IndieGoGo fundraiser: Buy Rob Ford’s Crack Tape!

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has a lot of enemies. Do any of them have enough hatred to band together and purchase what editor John Cook of Gawker says is video of Rob Ford smoking crack?

Is it even worth $100,000? Maybe not to one Canadian, but to all Canadians?

This Victoria Day, let the nation band together, from sea to shining sea, from the far North to the southernmost reaches of Ontario, as one, united in their distaste for this mortifying homunculus.

For just three cents per citizen, we can assure the final ruin of Ford’s colourful, storied, allegedly indictable celebrity once and for all.

Are you with me, Canada? I SAID ARE YOU WITH ME???

*if we don’t reach the magical goal (asking price + 4% Indiegogo fee) we will make a bid of whatever we’ve gathered. If the bid is rejected, we don’t need your money after all.

Meanwhile, in Washington, DC:

https://twitter.com/lizzieohreally/status/335195197443043329

Meanwhile, in Vancouver:

https://twitter.com/boring_as_heck/status/335245494467035136