Maybe you have Victoria’s Secret stores where you live. Oh fine, gloat. They’re illegal here, or sumpin’, for lo, we have nothing so much as a dearth of Victoria’s Secret stores here in Canuckistan. What does this mean? It means that inhabitants of the Great White North, male and female, must make do with what they have and, in many cases it means that we must make do with such lingerie as is available from Lee Valley.
Victoria’s Secret supplies, in addition to reasonably-priced suiting lines and blog fodder, and as you may be aware, a diverse range of lingerie, including push up sports bras, strapless contraptions in sizes larger than you’d think prudent, and much more. And, frankly, however overpriced they may be, they all work.
But up here in Canuckistan, we are deprived. We can do the online thang. We can do the mailorder thang. But if we do not do the credit card thang we cannot do the Victoria’s Secret thang in any way, shape, or form.
Except…
Except in the most Canadian form of all. Let me tell you a twofer of tales that will tell you that, when it comes to continence or glamour, Canuckistan will take a back seat to no-one.
cut to Gilligan’s Theme music.
Once upon a time, like last night, mine hosts told a tale, a tale of a fateful shit. That started from their friends’ baby, and that was all of it. The baby knew the diaper was the way to own its’ parents, so nightly she’d divest herself of it’s malevolence. No way! No hope! The diaper shed, no matter what the ‘rents would do. Halfway through sleep they would awake and toss that fateful poo.
ENTER RED GREEN
So the baby took its diaper off for attention: solve the problem the Red Green way, by duct taping the diaper in place. Until baby can handle a switchblade, you’re good to go!
So ends Part the First.
Part the Second: I taped my tits for this?
Surely I can’t be the only woman who’s admired a photo of a fortysomething celeb whose boobs are still perky enough to put out an eye. The secret, as I learned from my in-the-know friend Sandy, is Duct Tape.
I am a fortysomething not-yet-celeb, and I have, as I may have mentioned, long since transcended human dignity. I was also a woman who had to attend an avante-garde art opening in a strapless bodysuit.
I used the duct tape.
Three days and six showers later I was unsticky. I think I have finally figured out the secret to Brandon Davis’ unique attraction: no matter how coated with adhesives you may be, you’ll slide right off his grease-streaming carcass.
Show me the luv, people: the Bloggie Awards: nominatez-moi!
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raincoaster 
This is absolutely terrifying. I didn’t realize you had psychic powers, too. What sort of Superhero are you?
I was just writing about having to tape my breasts down! Yikes….
A strapless bodysuit? Any photos?
No, alas. No cameras at the event, and there was I, thinking “I taped my tits for THIS???”
But Lee Valley Hardware has actual Gaffer’s tape. If you can’t get surgical tape, that’s the tape of choice in Hollywood, apparently.
Re: duct tape residue–I gots two words for you: Goo Gone. Crappy Tire should have it. ;)
Merci. I have some myself, under the bathroom sink as all good Canadians should, but I worried about that whole lemon oil on delicate skin thang. Then again, I didn’t worry about duct tape on delicate skin: I knew I wasn’t getting lucky that night!
All we have up here is stupid La Senza, which is a terrible store. Not that Vic’s Secret would make anything in my size anyways. Perhaps I should look into this duct tape thing. It might save me a fortune in plus sized bras.
Man, I love how you didn’t bat an eye at “Crappy Tire”; who says we don’t have an identity?!
Wandering Coyote, I also have two words for you (I am doling them out in binary units today): Addition-Elle. They have pretty bras for those of us who have, as zee French say, “a lot on the balcony”, without making you feel like you should be either gyrating around a pole or shuffling in to dinner at the old folks’ home. La Senza is overpriced and cheaply made, and I have doubts about any store which thinks it’s a good idea to add foam padding to a D-cup bra.
no victoria’s secret in canadia? do you at least get the mail order catalogs? canadian boys need their softcore masturbation material like everybody else
We do get the catalogues; the problem comes when we try to order from them, when the Canuckistan powers that be take duty on all goods entering and don’t refund on any goods leaving. Frankly, when you’re Inet ordering from Canada, the “final price” is only the final price until the two duelling governments get into it, which means you’re screwed either way.
StillettoGirl, at your age you tape them down. At my age, you tape them UP.
defrostindoors: Oh, I’m aware of AE, but I live in the boonies and don’t have one available to me. When I have had them available to me, though, I’ve found them extremely expensive.
Frankly, if perky boobs are all that important …
Well, y’all can finish that sentence any way you like. I’ll finish it by saying that by the time I was 17 and had lost about 60 pounds of excess tonnage my tits ended up looking like the air had been let outta them … a sad sight on one so young. So there was never any hope of ever having perky ones.
So I wonder how losing boob perkiness so young has affected me …
Is it the same as with people who have never been attractive/pretty/handsome and so growing older held no threat to them? I mean, if you have totally saggy boobs at age 17, well, is this something to feel ashamed of? Or do you think – shit man, I’m only 17 and I have saggy boobs, so what’s all this fucking shit about getting saggy boobs when you are older if I already have them now? Clearly it’s not an age thing.
So I missed out on the getting older, getting saggy boobs thing. But there are still plenty of other things to get stupid about and I’m quite sure I’m doing my best with all that …
Duct tape? Doubt it would do the slightest bit of good …
Actually, it was amazing; give it a shot and see. But use gaffer’s tape or surgical tape if you can get your hands on it, not as thick or sticky.
Kate Winslet says that after having her first baby her tits looked like “the ears of a dog.” She has, apparently, no vanity. Not all of us are so saintly.
No problem with getting surgical tape … but why? So other people can look at my death-defying boobs and go – oh hey wow doesn’t she look fab for a woman of her age?
Who would these other people be? And why would I give a flying about what they thought about my boobs?
Yeah sorry, I’m being boring and a spoilsport … shutting up now!
Seriously, it’s handy. You can put the whole pizza box there if you’re a D! No more tv trays needed.
Some of us have to tape our breasts. When your dress size is 2, your waist size is 24 and a half, and your fill out a D cup, you will pop out because designers always forget to add a little extra material for the bosomy ones. They assume small waist equals small chest.
Yes, I’m bragging. Horrid, isn’t it?
actually we do sorta have victoria secret here in canada in case no one else knows this La senza merged with Victora secret many years ago…
You sure can’t tell from their merchandise! I only wish they had Victoria’s Secret clothes.