the one crime I’ll never be arrested for

Never Forget!According to the US Court of Appeals, driving with lotsa cash is against the law.

Let’s do a quick check of the raincoaster situation:

No driver’s license. No car. No money.

Yay, I’m immune!

from The Newspaper, via Fark.

A federal appeals court ruled yesterday that if a motorist is carrying large sums of money, it is automatically subject to confiscation. In the case entitled, “United States of America v. $124,700 in U.S. Currency,” the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Eighth Circuit took that amount of cash away from Emiliano Gomez Gonzolez, a man with a “lack of significant criminal history” neither accused nor convicted of any crime.

On May 28, 2003, a Nebraska state trooper signaled Fistfull o' probably causeGonzolez to pull over his rented Ford Taurus on Interstate 80. The trooper intended to issue a speeding ticket, but noticed the Gonzolez‘s name was not on the rental contract. The trooper then proceeded to question Gonzolez — who did not speak English well — and search the car. The trooper found a cooler containing $124,700 in cash, which he confiscated. A trained drug sniffing dog barked at the rental car and the cash. For the police, this was all the evidence needed to establish a drug crime that allows the force to keep the seized money.

Associates of Gonzolez testified in court that they had pooled their life savings to purchase a refrigerated truck to start a produce business. Gonzolez flew on a one-way ticket to Chicago to buy a truck, but it had sold by the time he had arrived. Without a credit card of his own, he had a third-party rent one for him. Gonzolez hid the money in a cooler to keep it from being noticed and stolen. He was scared when the troopers began questioning him about it. There was no evidence disputing Gonzolez‘s story.

Yesterday the Eighth Circuit summarily dismissed Gonzolez‘s story. It overturned a lower court ruling that had found no evidence of drug activity, stating, “We respectfully disagree and reach a different conclusion… Possession of a large sum of cash is ‘strong evidence’ of a connection to drug activity.”

Judge Donald Lay found the majority’s reasoning faulty and issued a strong dissent.

“Notwithstanding the fact that claimants seemingly suspicious activities were reasoned away with plausible, and thus presumptively trustworthy, explanations which the government failed to contradict or rebut, I note that no drugs, drug paraphernalia, or drug records were recovered in connection with the seized money,” Judge Lay wrote. “There is no evidence claimants were ever convicted of any drug-related crime, nor is there any indication the manner in which the currency was bundled was indicative of
drug use or distribution
.”

“Finally, the mere fact that the canine alerted officers to the presence of drug residue in a rental car, no doubt driven by dozens, perhaps scores, of patrons during the course of a given year, coupled with the fact that the alert came from the same location where the currency was discovered, does little to connect the money to a controlled substance offense,” Judge Lay Concluded.

The full text of the ruling is available in a 36k PDF file at the source link below.

Source: PDF File US v. $124,700 (US Court of Appeals, Eighth Circuit, 8/19/2006)

We are all V

hyperbole o’ the day: Fark it out, bitch!

You really do have to admire the Farkers. If it were not for the divine glory that pours from their keyboards, would anyone ever have looked at this?

The worst imaginable cover of Europe’s The Final Countdown – this makes you pray for nuclear armageddon just to burn the tears of laughter off your face. I’m not kidding.

And seriously, he was not kidding.

impersonating a journalist is a crime…somebody better tell Fox News!

So there’s this kid. He loves the Mets. Really, doesn’t everyone? But he loves them so much he forged an NBC employee card and got a press pass so he could get into Shea Stadium to watch them play.

And now he’s in the pokey.

Police arrested the 18-year-old Leli Friday night at Shea just before the start of the New York Mets-Colorado Rockies game and charged him with impersonating a journalist, the Queens District Attorney announced Saturday…

Leli was also charged with criminal possession of a forged instrument, falsifying business records, larceny, criminal possession of stolen property, criminal impersonation and criminal trespass.

He was arraigned Saturday in Queens Criminal Court and released on his own recognizance.

Leli was scheduled to return to court on Sept. 27. He faces up to seven years in prison if he’s convicted.

Man, not even George Will loves it that much!

welcome to *$. Asshole.

Starbucks, yo! And don't gimme no sheeyit: Howard's my homeboy!Re-posted from another forum. Sorry if you’ve already read it; go on to All Your Snakes Are Belong To Us or Chad Vader, Day Shift Manager, Part One or Part Two.

Never come between addicts and their caffeine. Working seven years at *$, I learned this well. They really do believe in the happy, smiley customer service, and it runs deep in that company, but sometimes you just have to say no. Even though it could cost you your job.

One day some eedjut was making fun of us behind the counter.

“I bet your moms are proud of you, pouring coffee for a living, har har!” etc etc, AT LENGTH. He’s treating the whole weekday morning lineup to his hilarious routines, oh god, he is a real Jim Carrey of the Latte, this one. On and on he goes.

Until he gets up to the front, and he says, “Just gimme a big, strong coffee. You aught to be good at that, since that’s all you do with your life.”

At that point I poured the coffee and, without approaching the counter, spun around.

No,” I said. “You don’t understand. You don’t get this coffee unless I give it to you.”

Pause.

You could have heard a quark drop in that place.

The staff couldn’t believe I’d pull this, and neither could Eedjut here. The customers in line new better than to interfere when a drama was unfolding right before their eyes, so they were silent, too.

“Naw, seriously. You gotta give me the coffee.”

“No, seriously, I don’t.” Pause, during which a dawning realization lit up his face. Would I give up this sale? Yep.

“Who’s in charge? Who’s the manager?”

I am,” I lied, smoothly.

Pause.

“Oh, okay. I guess I look like a jerk, eh? Sorry, can I please have my coffee?”

Honest to god, he tipped, too.

Once in a lifetime, boys and girls.

Is it relevant to note that during a job review, when it came to the “Interpersonal Communications” section, the manager giving me my review said,

“Given the difference between what you could say and what you do say, I’m giving you ‘outstanding’?”

quiz o’ the day: which Simpson are you?

I was inclined to give this a miss, because there aren’t that many questions and I couldn’t even pick out the comic book shop guy from them, but when I saw the result it gave me I knew it was uncannily accurate.

You Are Bart Simpson
Very misunderstood, most people just dismiss you as “trouble.”Little do they know that you’re wise and well accomplished beyond your years.

You will be remembered for: starring in your own TV show and saving the town from a comet

Your life philosophy: “I don’t know why I did it, I don’t know why I enjoyed it, and I don’t know why I’ll do it again!”

The Simpsons Personality Test

stolen from Dykewife, a fellow Diary-X alumnus