Here, by way of UniqueDaily (for whose 286 clickthroughs to SuperOctopus we are very grateful indeed) is the super global masterlist of internet emoticons. From Midget Smileys to Mega Smileys, it’s got them all.
For those unfamiliar with the concept, emoticons are what geeks have instead of facial expressions, body language, or interpersonal skillz.
Some practical examples you can put to immediate use in your daily lives:
{:-) User wears a toupee.
}:-( Toupee in an updraft.
:-[ User is a vampire.
:-E Bucktoothed vampire.
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing.
-:-) User is a punk rocker.
-:-( Real punk rockers don’t smile.
(8-o It’s Mr. Bill!
d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.
C= 2>;*{)) A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin.
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raincoaster 
What’s with the chef’s beauty mark? *
Red nose=drunk
@~@ – this person wearing glasses
: Q…. – this is a person puking
Wow, what a way to make friends.
Ah, the many hours I’ve logged on IM, Yahoo, Messenger, Trillian, etc, etc, etc…and I never knew those vampire ones. They must be big with the goths. Or the puking one: must be big with the lager louts.
What about my devilishly happy , bespectacled and goateed editor emoticon?
>B^D>
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Don’t you have to retire that now that you’re not a devlish editor anymore? What does a Linux geek look like?
(8^D> + ^oo^ as they are generally balding and always accompanied by a cat.
I would start to use some of the more questionable emoticons but I don’t think my own friends are intelligent enough to interpret them.
Sigh…it’s about as useful as me as learning to speak Danish. Once you conquer that, you have to find someone to do it with.
Viggo. From what I have heard, Viggo is ALWAYS up for doing it.
Police and deputies around here also speak Danish: cheese Danish, cherry Danish, apple Danish . . . .
HaHa! FFE – well, in the US we are not so sophisticated. Offer a cop a Danish and he will probably slap the cuffs on you!
That’s right, RC, did you see that scene (or two) in A History of Violence?
I’m sure you have!
And once I get bored with talking to Viggo, I can swtich over to Connie Nielsen.