Help wanted/help needed

Britney and Paris

Are you an intellectual? Are you at least intelligent? And are you, like me, fed up with the fact that it appears to be the unconscious strategy of the mentally inferior to simply outnumber us?

Camus once said that it was the moral obligation of the intelligent to oppress the stupid, otherwise they would take over the world.

Now, this may be somewhat along the lines of the barn door/bolted horse scenario, particularly in a world where men are still willing to have sex with Britney Spears, but I have an opportunity to pass along to interested parties that will, I believe, prove attractive to that particular target group while simultaneously rendering them incapable of spawning.

Ladies and gentlemen, via defrostindoors at the relatively demure Bridlepath, we present our first ever Help Wanted ad:

Looking for a tester of a Chastity device – m4w

Reply to:
Date: 2007-07-16, 6:35PM EDTMyself and a friend are developing a new style chastity device for woman. It does involve 7 piercing to be done. Once the piercings have healed (6 months) the chastity device will be put on.The device is small and will be made specifically for you. It is a small plate that is put over your vagina with a slit in the center for your lips to pass through. Then there will be three rods that go through your lips and one through your clitoris over top of this plate. A top plate will be secured over top of this (with hole for urination and cleaning). Once it is comfortable and with no health problems it will be secured together sealing your sex inside your new prison.

The final product will be titanium and you will not be able to get it off. There will be no keys. Sealing will be permanent.

You will still be able to wear bathing suits and it will not be noticeable under clothing, but you will never have sex again.

We can discuss financial compensation with any woman that is serious in helping us test this device but please keep in mind that you will not be able to get it off so please be serious about this before responding.

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29 thoughts on “Help wanted/help needed

  1. Well, there will be a titanium one soon enough. Besides, she gets so wasted so regularly that she would not be able to remember whether or not she’d signed up.

  2. Well as long as you yourself, as pointed out in the post above, are “involuntarily celibate”, why don’t you see if there might be some money in it?

  3. because the only lips I have to seal are the ones that speak those awful puns (wait, that’s redundant). I’d look pretty damned odd wearing a titanium restrictor plate.

    Then again, I’d probably be pretty damned hip among the region’s NASCAR crowd . . . .

  4. Thanks, FFE … I’m going to go boil my mind’s eye now.

    I meant Raincoaster. Who admits in the post above that she hasn’t been laid in a while. Might as well turn that to her financial advantage, eh?

  5. The regeneration time they are setting for the piercing entrance wounds to heal – six months – seems somewhat ominous in the context – are they gonna use nails or bolts or something? In any case, a maximum-invasive measure like that would, I guess, already wreck so many nerves and nerve ends that the potential applicant’s vulva would be pretty much lost as an erogenous zone, chastity belt or no. You just don’t get the feeling their working routine is really thought through – and their vague prose doesn’t amend that impression. Their instrument will be a seal – but how could they apply it in that way without using, say, a welding torch, or something like it? That, of course, would finish what the nine-inch-nail piercings have not yet accomplished, these and the four rods bolted, it seems, through labia and clitoris: I would imagine this hurts badly.

    Given that the ad originally appears in a section of casual sex ads, it might be that a person of evangelically conservative leanings is coming out here, weapons, belt, torch, and everything in hand to offer punishment where others offer anything from casual sex to not so casual sex that you need several combat trainings for.

  6. The only secure way I’ve ever heard of welding titanium (google F-14 wing box) is electron-beam welding.

    I’d just love to see someone allow that kind of industrial process near their labia, dontcha know . . .

  7. Ya know, I bet there’s a fetish group out there for electron-beam-welded piercings.

    Given what I know about the female anatomy (which is plenty, for I always have one handy) it seems to me this would probably be pretty messy about one week in four.

  8. Paris looks like she has an “alien” hand drooping over Brit’s left shoulder.
    Or it’s a stray elephant cock
    Weird, dude

  9. the problem with signing up britney, lohan, slutface, whathaveyou is that we’ll eventually have to see photos of said device everywhere.

  10. Indeed. I do hope that it’s at least pretty. There was a thread on Gawker about how, with the vag flash wars they were needing a new way to ramp it up…BLING!

  11. I would never advocate the death penalty for dumb people. But hey let nature take its course. Remove the safety labels from everything. Natural selection wil do the rest. :)

  12. brit es la mejor y aqui en argentina la bancamos y la amamos es mi idola la re quiero es una diosa.

    espero que te valla re vien desde hoy te banco a muerte

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