Appalling, yet undeniable. Even Mighty Cthulhu, devourer of souls, ravenous feaster of darkness who thrives on terror and the shrieks of the innocent, has fallen this low. I mean, crabs had to come from somewhere, amirite?
First, Cthulhu goatse photos leaked to the internet. Now, a blurry, night-vision sex tape. I ask: Can a reality show be far behind?
Those aren’t snakes, boyo.
Yeah, honey, don’t even THINK about going to the Labour Board with this. IF YOU VALUE YOUR SANITY!!!
Bonus: here’s a cute little tune, Hey There Cthulhu, which is a handy-dandy pronunciation guide to all the Cthulhu Mythos’ most baffling terms, in an attractive, neo-folksy package.
Hey there Cthulhu down there in your sunken city
You’re a billion light-years distant and the stars look very pretty
So close and yet so far away. Ia Iay.
Cthulhu fuh-TAH-gun, or is that Cthulhu fuh-TINE?
I can never quite remember ’cause I’m not in my right minds
Since I met you
No one corrupts the way you do. You know it’s true
Oh, it’s what you’ll do to me
Oh, and all humanity
Oh, you’ll rise up from the sea
Oh, kill everyone slowly
Except the one’s like me
Hey there Cthulhu, I’ve been studying your gospel
The Necronomicon, it gives me nightmares something awful
Where I see
The death of all reality. It fills me with glee
So when the stars are right, you’ll come and do your worst
But that’s okay because I know you’ll eat the cultists like me first
When you get here
I know that day is drawing near. I have no fear
A billion light-years seems so far
Below the sea, beyond the stars
Of these humans’ putrid souls you’ll drink your fill
The fools will all make fun of me
But I’ll just laugh maniacally
‘Cause no one’s ever suffered like they will
Chthulhu, I can promise you
That by the time this cult gets through
The world will never ever be the same!
Praise your dark name!
Phn’glui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wagn’nagl fhtagn
Boy, that’s really quite a mouthful, can’t quite cram it in my noggin
I try to say it anyway
I feel my soul being to fray
Still I await that frabjous day
Hello. Internet Gossip Bloggers. We are The Z-List Celebrities.
Over the years we have been watching you. Watching us. Your blog posts, showing our drunkenness, our nip slips, our public breakdowns, have caught our eye. With the rise of your blog traffic and general influence in the entertainment industry, we, The Z-List Celebrities, have decided that you must be destroyed.
For the good of your readers, for the good of society and, most of all, for the good of our failing shit-tastic careers we will systematically expel your blogs from the internet and dismantle your growing sphere of influence.
No longer will we be your birthday sluts.
No longer will TMZ’s cameras ambush us outside restaurants.
No longer will you draw cocks on our faces.
We recognize you as serious opponents and do not expect our mission to succeed in a short time frame. Regardless we will no longer tolerate you mocking members of our organization. Like Tara Reid for example, leave her alone. She’s really talented. Sure her tits are weird but she just needs the right part to showcase her abilities, You’ll see.
You have nowhere to hide. Because we are everywhere. You will have no recourse of attack because for every reality star that falls, ten more will take their place.
Wuhan, China: People burn incense to worship the god of wealth at a Buddhist temple.
But if you stand too close to a red-hot star, this is what happens:
[ Elliot Mintz, Paris Hilton‘s PR ]... finally succeeded in doing what publicist-watchers had long feared he would, managing to squeeze not just his nose, but his entire head and neck up his demanding client’s hindquarters.