Plan #Covid19 from Outer Space. Briefing Bingo. Oh, like YOU’re not half-assing it these days.

We are later-calling the COVID briefing bingo for today, for lo, we were still asleep when the briefing itself happened. If someone wants to pay us The Big Bucks (like, any. Any bucks. We’re not proud) we’ll be happy to not sleep through two different alarms. One is using the royal “we” of course. We have no idea why. One has no idea why. One and we blame the multiple alarms.


We or I am of the mind or minds that we or I or all of us have run out of Paul Naschy werewolf movies and rather than re-use the titles of the many ones which have been re-titled, we are moving on to Bela Lugosi movies, several of which ALSO boast multiple titles. Movie laundering: it’s just like money laundering only you only make 4%, not 30%. Bela was hot.

Bela could Get It.

So today’s briefing bingo is named after the officially Worst Movie of All Time, Plan 9 from Outer Space. That’s NUMERAL nine. Because we fancy like that.

Here are our cards. Mark one or mark them all. Nothing matters anymore.

And our CPAC video. Do we think they’ll ever reply to our message? No, kittens. No, we do not. But it’s okay. We’ve still got our poetry.

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addresses Canadians from outside his home in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic.

Man, even the CPAC captioning team is half-assing it these days.

Shall we begin? Let us begin.

Mark your “Rideau Hall” and “Holiday decorations” squares right off the top. “Outdoors” too. Plus “Starts more than ten minutes late.” Justin Trudeau was waiting for me. How courteous.

And here he comes with his coat open so we can mark the “Blue Suit” square and put to rest the mystery of whether or not he wears a suit jacket under the coat (I wouldn’t; but then, I have No Standards Literally No Standards Now).

Oh. My. God. AGAIN with the brown shoes with a blue suit. Must my mother rise from the grave to correct this heinous offence? Because frankly I would not put it past her.

No mask, but you can still mark your “Facial Hair” square, same as every briefing since the year dot. “Begins in English” is active. “PPE”, “rapid testing”, “Vaccine”, and “Can see your breath” squares active now.

Honestly, if Trudeau is using mascara I WANT THAT BRAND. Prolly it’s just “being related to his mother.”

Okay, there we have “throat malfunction.” Get that man swabbed STAT! And he’s reiterating that O’Toole was lying (Tick the “Shades The Tories” square) about Canada’s place in the lineup for the vaccine.

I’m thinking I should make a square for “That right eyebrow has its sad little eyebrow island sitting away from the rest of its brothers. Should I?

“Eight out of every ten dollars spent in Canada to fight Covid-19 has been spent by the Canadian government.” The federal government. Go back to your “Shades the provinces” square and mark the HELL out of it.

There’s your “Thanks to the military” for helping in long term care.

Now we are on to the questions. Trudeau looks briefly disapproving of whatever his left hand is doing there, but we are far too refined to ask any questions about that. I guess that’s your “Drama happening off-camera” square, so mark it.

Oh. My. GOD. Kittens. His gloves match his shoes, which is to say that they clash with is suit and my mother is even yet MOAR likely to rise from her grave and haunt him for it. I mean, gotta luv good deerskin but not with light blue.

Oh hello moderator why are you not yelling at him to give the translations? Moderator, your yelling is your entire raison d’etre in 2020. Do Not Shy Away.

Transfer payments under question, not quite under the “stupid gotcha question.” Okay, and at some point the sign language interpreters swapped out, although I didn’t notice exactly where. So mark that square.

And yet again, a kickass response, but not translated to English and my translating translation abilities are limited to “moderator do your job.” Good lord, thank god I’m not even considering “Canadians” as a square on the drinking game, because nobody would make it through the first ten minutes. And there’s your “every step of the way.”

There’s your “Drinks water” square for probably the last time. Because this time next week it’ll be ice. OOooh, there’s your “Shades Harper” and “Shades Tories” squares.

Yanno, we could avoid consumer debt at 19% if you’d reinstate anti-usery laws that banned interest above 16%.

Okay, and we are all done. Honestly I don’t get why he doesn’t do these in jeans. The overcoat is posh enough.

Meanwhile, in the US:

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