The Phantom Covid Briefing Bingo

Welcome back, kittens. Welcome to another episode of 2020. We’re here to cover Justin Trudeau’s Covid-19 briefing today, and to respond to the demand of literally none of your requests for a Seventh Generation Bingo Card. Play one or play them all; it’s 2020 and nothing matters anymore.

…and the long awaited Seventh Generation Card. Enjoy.

Holy crap, Alberta has an almost 10% Positive rate! Alberta is fucked. Tent field hospitals and trench graves lie in their future.

Here’s our video for today:

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addresses Canadians from outside his home in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic.

Fewer than 650 views. Canada is clearly not in ANY MOOD for another Covid-19 briefing. But here we are, kittens. We happy few are one in our esoteric taste in edutainment in 2020.

Mark “Outdoors” and “Mask” and “Back at Rideau Hall” and wow, nobody, NOBODY had “purple shirt” on their bingo cards, not even the 7th generation. Oh, and “Vaccine” and “begins in English”.

Purple shirt. We are in the Purple Shirt era, kittens. This pandemic has gotten to all of us.

RECORD SCRATCH

Had a long convo with the late, immortal Jamie Lee Hamilton about the relationship between sex work and violence. Not got time to recap it right now, but it’s long and complicated.

“Long term care homes” and “thanks the military” squares in play.

Of course, you have your “Seasonal porchscaping” square and “Facial hair” as well.

This is what’s at stake.

This is why we all need to do our part.

Now is not the time to blame one another or point fingers.

Now is the time for us to keep working together.

Justin Trudeau

Actually I know some small business owners who are lazy asses, but let’s go with your model. It’s cheerier. And mark your “Finds new way to give Canadians money.”

New catchphrase for the next briefing bingo card:

There’s your “Shout out to religious holiday” square. My French is so advanced I now recognize the word for “Christmas.” YUP. I’m Just That Good.

Sounds like domestic violence is the theme of the week at the federal government level. Inneresting.

Wait, what? I got all excited that a journalism student called in, but they asked the old “boil water advisories on reservations” question, which Trudeau has answered a thousand times at least. He gives the same answer as always.

And our new square on the 7th Generation card: “Christmas specifically mentioned” and also mark your “Two Michaels” square and “Fails to translate answer into other official language” for previous question.

Oh, you can mark your new “I make a coffee and forget it in the kitchen” square. I’ve gotta have a square for “Literally repeats the answer he gave” because that’s what he did in response to the question about India.

“Every step of the way” mark it twice.

And we’re all done!

These things are getting shorter and shorter. Wonder if we’ll go back to once a week. Time is a circle. It’s March 267th, 2020.

Linus and Jean Cocteau are the Absurdists We Need Now

Also, did you see that moment early on where he looked down behind the podium and was annoyed by something? Mark your “Trudeau looks cross for a reason apparently unrelated to the briefing” square. What the HELL was down there? Intern? Pocket wolverine? Unruly sock? Guesses in the comments section, please.

Now we’re really done.

Ah yes, not quite. Just like with the virus. First, here is the official text of Trudeau’s remarks. Secondly, let’s talk about the movie.

Our film today is the immortal The Phantom Creeps, which is possibly the most ridiculous of Bela Lugosi films, even counting Plan 9 from Outer Space. So ridiculous that when MST3K did it, they almost didn’t have to add anything. Because while, yes, the Phantom does indeed creep, it does so clumsily, hilariously, while looking like a wind up novelty spider. Not even vaguely phantom-like. But it’s perfect, because this pandemic is not even vaguely emergency-like, at least on the surface. It’s the slowest-moving zombie movie of all time.

Here’s MST3K’s take on The Phantom Creeps.

Meanwhile in the US (and parts of Canada that haven’t been paying attention):

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