To Forget or to Play Covid Briefing Bingo?

Well, kittens, we’re going to have to come up with something else to call you, as it appears that skeevy Armie Hammer uses the term to describe the women in his bizarre sexual fantasies. Not that we’re against bizarre sexual fantasies. No, perish the thought! But his involve cannibalism. And, after having met Willy Pickton, there just isn’t enough brain bleach on the planet to scrub that image out of my head. We don’t want you messed up in that!

Susan Sontag and Linus hang out a lot
Susan Sontag and Linus hang out a lot

I got into an argument recently on the internet (imagine that! Me!) about whether or not Pickton’s pork ended up in grocery stores, and in doing the research I discovered…well, long story short: it’s worse. It is, in fact, very possible and even very likely that human remains ended up in a wide variety of consumer products, because he apparently took his victims’ bodies to the same rendering plant that he took his pork, and the uh, “outcome” of that plant ended up in mass-market products from lipstick to …. well, who cares what else, really? I’ll never look at my $35 Nars the same way again.

A friend of mine was paid a great deal of money back in the day by the pork marketing board, because after the details of the Pickton case came out the price of pork fell through the floor, for obvious reasons, and he managed to get it up again. No such issue at the Lipstick Marketing Board. But, ew. Let us bond with the concept of motivated forgetting, and put it behind us.

Indeed, let us forget that with extreme prejudice. We interrupt this dark interlude to remind you that, thanks to TikTok, sea shanties are trending on all platforms.

So, readers, let us try to put that behind us and move forward in the very Canadian spirit of “we shall never speak of this again.” Which brings us to the Philosophy of Forgetting, which I didn’t even know was A Thing, or if I did, I forgot it after my TBI.

Related: the very internet-native concept of the Eternal September, which is the state of always having so many new users unfamiliar with the basics and protocols that it always feels like the first day of school. Right now, we have an Eternal September for democracy itself, hell, for critical thinking in the first place.

Here’s how my yesterday went. My today is going so well I forgot I ran this Twitter poll.

But you’re no doubt going:

Well, the Covid Briefing Bingo, also, is going well. Trudeau hasn’t shown up yet even though it’s at his own house, and my blog’s inexplicably adding page breaks to the post in between every paragraph. So, mark your “Technical difficulties” square.

Here’s our video, with a mere 1500 people watching. Clearly, Zen outpulls existentialism:

And our briefing bingo cards:

And here we go. Mark “Vaccine”. And also, “Stern teacher voice.” “Rapid Testing” and “Doug Ford”. When he drags Doug Ford into these it’s like the Scout leader making sure the slowest kid feels special, too.

“Passive voice” Yeah, I need that square for sure. Oh, somebody apparently left his phone out and the kids are using it, because his account is tweeting at the same time:

“Pfizer” square is active. Trudeau says almost a million vaccines have been delivered to provinces, mostly ahead of schedule. And “Got your back”. Mark the “Pushes responsibility to provinces” square, because he made it clear he’s done his job and the “depot to arm” distribution is provincial business; if they’re sitting rotting in some Lethbridge warehouse, it’s not because the federal government failed you.

And “Ramping up”. And “From the very beginning”. Speaking of housing, which he is, did you know there’s a five year waiting list for social housing in Ottawa? There is.

And mark your “My aunt calls during the briefing” square, although this time it’s in person. So, that lockdown is going well. And that means I’ve missed the two first questions from the media, so I’ll come back in an hour or two to get that done.

“Got your backs” again. Oh right, and “Scarf”. “Over the past X months” has to go on the next card, he’s used it two or three times already in one briefing. Eleven months. Has it really been eleven months? I can’t remember.

And “From the very beginning” yet again. If you forget history, it’s always the very first day, isn’t it? Eternal September. Is “Keeping Canadians safe” a square? Because we’ll hit that five times by the end of this briefing, I’d bet.

Snoopy and Linus are my homies

And mark your “Can see your breath” square, which is much more emotionally important to me than to most people, because unless you can see your breath it’s unlikely the canal will open for skating, and skating is very important to me.

Nicely pointed question about the inconsistency in travel where the people going to fancy international resorts are cool, but kids wanting to play hockey together are not. Oh, and mark the “Someone asks about hockey” square.

Lordy. “From the very beginning” and “Keeping Canadians safe” (Twice! NO THREE TIMES!) again! Plus “Touches face.”

Meanwhile, Canadian Gavin McInnes has achieved every Canadian’s dream of Making It Big In The States.

And mark your “Swaps out Sign Language interpreters” square.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD apparently I need a “The Roommate fires up the microwave and the vacuum cleaner in the room where I’m liveblogging” square. Oh well, might as well mark your “audio difficulties” square, for me if not for you. Because what is a Covid Briefing Bingo if not a collectivist exercise? I hope some day I’m able to forget all of this. In fact, the last 11 months.

And now Trudeau addresses the insinuations by the Bloq leader about the new Cabinet Minister Omar Alghabra. Damn! If I wouldn’t get flak about “journalistic objectivity” I’d buy Trudeau a beer for this. What the hell. Trudeau, once lockown is over let’s hit the Pinecrest Big Rig and split a pitcher.

I think I can write it off on my taxes. If I ever again make enough to pay taxes, that is.

Holy shitballs, are you watching this? TRUDEAU IS GOING IN. Brilliant! And mark your “gesticulates” and “Gloves” squares. We already had “Stern teacher voice” but now we have it to the nth power. Here’s the transcript of that bit, thanks to Kathryn Mathias on Twitter:

“I was absolutely floored, to see a federal party leader, use insinuations and carefully coded questions, particularly this week when we’ve just lived through last week, what happens when leaders don’t take care of the words they do and play these dangerous games. around intolerance and hate. And, of course, stand there innocently and say, “oh I was just asking questions.” That’s ridiculous. That kind of political pandering to the worst elements, and to fears and anxieties, has no place in Canada. And all of us need to stand up strongly and push back against that anywhere it happens in this country.

Justin Trudeau via Kathryn Mathias

And that’s a wrap. Gotta go back later to cover the questions again, because thanks to the ambient noise from Roommate and Auntie I missed almost all of the Q&A. Check back in an hour. Don’t forget!

OH MY GOD STOP PHONING ME person who always phones while I’m working! I threw my headphones off, yelled STOP PHONING ME, tried to answer the call, nobody there, and now my headphones don’t work. If I’m going to have to listen to The Roommate’s endless tv I’m going to [redacted so my lawyer doesn’t send me a sternly-worded email about OPSEC].

Meanwhile, in the US:


And this happened:

But then this happened, and it was beautiful.

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