Category Archives: Allegory

the terrorists are coding! the terrorists are coding!

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that's what I call Homeland Security!

Terrorists are now subverting America‘s peacetime tools and transforming them into traitors. Boingboing reports that they are inserting mysterious code into US government geodatabases in a shocking subliminal PR war against all that is right and good about America.

I found a bizarre data on an official USGS database. It points to a place on Minnesota and the text says:

‘Tell Him I Blame Him for the Children We Have Lost…’ Aish-Ke-Vo-Go-Zhe  

This, it turns out, is nothing less than a shocking technological attack on the government of the United States of the Land of the Free Until Remanded and the Home of the Grave of Democracy. It seems the particular geological spot referenced by that line in the database is the spot where Aish-Ke-Vo-Go-Zhe, Native American terrorist, died.

To remember those who perished at Sandy Lake during a failed attempt to remove Ojibwe bands from Wisconsin and Michigan in 1850, GLIFWC sponsors annual ceremonies at the Sandy Lake site near McGregor, Minnesota…

“Tell him I blame him for the children we have lost, for the sickness we have suffered, and for the hunger we have endured. The fault rests on his shoulders.”
—Flat Mouth, [also known as Aish-Ke-Vo-Go-Zhe] Leech Lake Ojibwe speaking of Territorial Governor Alexander Ramsey

Be ever vigilant.

welcome to wounded knee!

Frisk Me Elmo, drug mule

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El 'mo, arrested 

Now, this just does not surprise us here at the ol’ raincoaster blog. As you may be aware, we’ve never hesistated to expose the truth about the house of sordid, bent, and blood-soaked cards that is the superstar known as Elmo.

No indeed: whether he’s making a top-rated (although willing to bottom on a slow night) gay sex tape, high-hatting his erstwhile castmates, or descending gleefully into the warm, greedy embrace of malevolent pagan cults, El ‘mo has been, for those in the know, a touchstone of Hollywood excess for more than a decade.

Now, however, his decadent lifestyle has finally come to a grand finale, full of words, and tickles, and signifying nothing. His career in a shambles, his comeback Fall Over Drunk Elmo doll a dud, and desperate to pay for a crippling substance abuse and alimony habit, El ‘mo has turned to two-bit drug-running.

The Smoking Gun is there.

OCTOBER 26–A Colorado drug operation hid large quantities of methamphetamine inside Elmo dolls, according to federal investigators who yesterday announced the indictment of 21 alleged members of the ring, which transported the drug from California…

When investigators opened up the plush doll’s skull, they discovered the drug stash inside wrapped in plastic (as seen in this evidence pic). While Elmo has never previously been linked to narcotics distribution or use, the Sesame Street character appears to have no teeth, which frequently is seen in heavy meth users.

El ‘mo, unable to make bail, is currently being held in Corcoran State Prison, where he takes perverse satisfaction in the fact that he occupies the cell vacated by Robert Downey Jr.

sentence me El 'mo!

the T factor: cocktease edition

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where the customer comes first

or twattease: we are, after all, very evenhanded and all Feminista here on the ol’ raincoaster blog.

The Guardian reports that the most famous and historic brothel in the world has just re-opened, but don’t pack your prophylactics quite yet. The reportage, while Bad boys, bad boys, whatchagonna do?factually unassailable, omits some of the most critically relevant information tourists require before booking their vacation time, lathering themselves in strawberry-flavoured viscosity and chucking the carefully-powdered latex bodysuits into a duffle bag.

Read it for yourself:

The “wolves’ lair” – ancient Pompeii‘s biggest, best planned and most richly decorated brothel – yesterday reopened to the public after extensive restoration.

They will let you in. They will take your money. And then they will shaft you.

this way, suckers!

enjoy studying great tits? Have I got a report for you!

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Joan Collins, during the reign of Queen Victoria 

Researchers at the EGI have been studying great tits in Wytham, Oxfordshire, since 1947.

Presumably some of their original subjects aren’t quite as great as they used to be, Joan Collins excepted, as always.

Here is the full report, which also explains why they can be different sizes. Bonus!

UPDATE: Metro claims in the comments that these are his tits, and that I should give Miss Cellania credit for them. I can only conclude that I do not know Metro as well as I thought, and that Miss Cellania must be a talented plastic surgeon as well as journalist.

What you don’t know about your friends, eh?

Courtney Love, visual marketing genius

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So, courtney, what did you used to do for a living?

So Courtney, what did you used to do for a living?

Really, who knew she was so literal-minded?

from Go Fug Yourself:

…the implementation of an unexpected hair-hook is utterly great. Think of it: If at the end of the night her handlers can’t pry her out of that confusing gold lame jacket with fur trim, they can just give up and hang her entire body up in the closet.