Category Archives: Brian Atene

Brian Atene, meet Denny Blazin Hazen, the Average Homeboy

Posted on by
Brian Atene, 20, Aug 16, 1963

Brian Atene, 20, Aug 16, 1963 and then they broke the mold

A brief refresher before we begin.

You all remember Brian Atene, bad audition posterboy and internet laughingstock for the video he made to convince Stanley Kubrick (CUE-brick) to give him the lead in Full Metal Jacket. Naturally, in a smarmy culture where everyone’s a comedian, it wasn’t long before someone made a series of viciously amusing Brian Atene: the Chubby Years videos to bring us up to speed on our hero.

What separates Brian Atene from David Hasselhoff? One thing, ladies and gentlemen: staying power. If David Hasselhoff were an internet laughingstock, you can bet your sweet bippy that it would be David Hasselhoff and nobody else who would make the mocking “where are they now” video, and he’d be up until the wee hours, uploading that puppy to YouTube and, for all I know, favoriting it under eight hundred different usernames.

Brian Atene is no David Hasselhoff.

But Denny Blazin Hazen is.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present Denny Blaze, circa 1986. Don’t laugh: you wore those ridiculous pants too, didn’t you?

It’s okay. Breathe. Breathe. Nobody’s going to make you mousse your mullet if you don’t want to. Just relax.

Now see what Denny Blaze has done in response to that video’s 546,401 views, 326 comments, and 1083 times favorited.

He’s owned it.

I am now solidly on Team Average Homeboy! Bonus points that he’s kept in shape, too. Looks better than generational icon and sex scandaliste Rob Lowe, who’s starting to get that Keef look around the eyes, and for good reason from what I hear.

Operation Global Media Domination: i luv Brian Atene

Posted on by

TIAAnd also Steve Carrell and Stephen Colbert. But me wuvs Brian Atene best of all. Why? Check it out! I may have momentarily gone down six hundred thousand places on Technorati thanks to switching from raincoaster.wordpress.com to raincoaster.com, but I am #1 on Google when you’re looking for a horrific trainwreck of a video audition for Stanley Kubrick (CUE-brick!). It’s really just a matter of time until the G-gle catches on to the second in the series, Brian Atene 2.0: Good Day Mr. Kubrick 2006!

In related famewhoredom news, I applied for a job at Gridskipper, although my current state of penury precludes travel on anything grander than the Seabus, so wish me luck. Somebody’s been checking my Gawker Comments, so go me! Is that “break a keyboard?” Although I debate whether it was smart of me to give them the link to the tag “Operation Global Media Domination but not the one to Travel“. Live and learn; they can, presumably, operate a sidebar.

Also, got links on two pretty darned impressive sites this week. Not only are they among the Technorati darlings, but they’re readable besides, and Pharyngula is almost entirely focused on Squid and politics. Believe me, it’s extremely tempting to reference every single post in that one, but so far I’ve restricted myself to the Cthlhu license plate and the Octoporn. I am itching, however, to do something on the Mystery Blob from the Fjord that Time Forgot…all in good time, all in good time. Full disclosure: I am the one that dropped the link in the comments section (Blog Pimping 101) but in that case I had to link to my blog because the damn computer was overloaded and wouldn’t let me go to YouTube directly. I hope the vid worked for them.

Ace of Spades is the second new blog to give me a link, and they picked the Brian Atene 2.0 update. There’s no way that is the real Brian Atene, but we can only hope he grew up to be that funny. When is Defamer going to catch on to this? I emailed them days ago, dammit! When is Defamer going to say thanks?

In other news, posting is going to slow right down around here, because I am SICKSICKSICK (yeah, what else is new? Har, har) and tomorrow I have to take a teenager to Fright Night at the PNE, thanks to wrobitaille from Waiterblog Forum, who just up and gave me free tickets, cuz that’s how he rolls, yo. At least if I barf I can blame it on the icky zombies.

Wish me luck.

Brian Atene 2.0: Good Day Mr. Kubrick 2006

Posted on by

Stolen from BoingBoing, but I’m sure it’ll be all over in twelve hours. Click here for the original, perhaps the most perfect, and most perfectly amusing, bad audition ever captured on film; the fellow in the video in this post claims to be the contemporary, 43-year-old Brian Atene, and it’s just so cheaply amusing that I’m not going to question it even though the fellow looks nothing whatsoever like Brian Atene.

“Me so hoooooorny. Me love you long time!“

The real Brian Atene, if he knows what’s good for him, should just let this ride. The last thing he needs is to go toe to toe with somebody this mean and this much bigger than him.

Brian Atene, Bad Audition Boy and the reason YouTube exists

Posted on by

Yep: to make sure we can never, ever live down our most embarassing moments. Here’s what Defamer has to say about this four minute and thirty-two second glimpse straight down the gaping, gibbering maw of Hell itself.

Please, Stanley Kubrick has cast weirder 

In 1984, or so the YouTube blurb legend goes, the late, great Stanley Kubrick “placed ads throughout the U.S. for young aspiring actors to send in audition tapes” for his upcoming project, Full Metal Jacket. Whether or not the director ever saw this submission–and we think the less we tell you about it the better–we cannot say.

I can say, though, and I say that if he had seen it, he’d have died right then and there.

Brace yourselves; he went to Juilliard. But then, so did Robin Williams, and I bet he’d make a more plausible Outsider.

There is also an hilarious new video which claims to be the 2006 Brian Atene, also addressing Mister Kubrick (Mister CUE-Brick!) and re-enacting a scene from Full Metal Jacket. It must be seen to be believed: Me so hoooooorny! Me love you longtime!