Category Archives: Celebrity

best. comments. ever.

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Bar none. You don’t even have to know who Peter Hitchens is to enjoy this thread. It truly gives one faith for the British school system; they must be doing something right if the amusing and condescending wordplay can continue for 277, that’s 277 comments, most of them golden (including mine, but then I was educated by Boho preppy draft dodgers).

We are all Peter Hitchens now.

We are all Peter Hitchens now

One of the most amusing (and irritating) comment makers on this blog uses the name Peter Hitchens, he writes from a sometimes witty, sometimes demented hard right-wing position. As does the comment maker. The real other Peter Hitchens has been in touch to complain.* So can the impersonator change his user name, so we can avoid getting into a “no, I am Spartacus“ bun fight. In fact Guido would like to invite the impersonator to publicly announce his name change in a post where he can also outline his world-view. Email to sort this out.

UPDATE : Hitchens has a blog! Not a very busy blog, maybe “Peter Hitchens” should go and comment over there….

UPDATE II : Have had second thoughts about getting “Peter Hitchens” to change his user name, can he just put his name in ironic quotation marks at least?

UPDATE III : Peter Hitchens has just emailed from the Mail on Sunday to confirm he really is himself. He thought it all very funny until people began thinking it really was him. Is that clear?

*Presumably from the original Peter Hitchens “Would the person who is abusing my name on this blog please cease doing so? It seems to me to be unoriginal, dishonest and rather cowardly to hide your own opinions behind the name of somebody else. I have written this message because I am beginning to receive messages from people asking if I am connected with the person who calls himself ‘Peter Hitchens‘ on this blog.”

Now, I’m already confused. See, is it Peter Hitchens, “Peter Hitchens,” or ‘Peter Hitchens?’ You’ll note three different possibilities, even leaving Spartacus out for now.

Which the comments have not done. Don’t just sit there, read them! This thread is a thing of beauty and a joy forever; already noted at Fortean Times, fyi, but that’s not going to stop me from posting it here, too, particularly as I’ve been up for 36 hours straight and am far too lazy and woozulated to come up with something of my own at this hour.

asking bin Laden’s permission

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This is the story of the 2DTV ad featuring George W. Bush that was banned, along with the whole story of how it happened, who said what to whom, and what they did then. You’ll have to watch to see how it relates to bin Laden, but trust me; these guys owe him bigtime! I bet they’ll be strip-searched in airports for the rest of their lives.

Kaavya 2.0?

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There she is, Miss HarvardSeriously, what’s the ETA of the scandalous revelations on this one?

According to the Observer there’s an 11-year-old girl in China called Nancy Yi Fan who’s gotten herself published by one of the big guns. The story goes that she just up and emailed her manuscript to Jane Friedman, the CEO of HarperCollins, and Friedman (that incredible talent scout and kind, tweedy publisher at heart as well as hardened businesswoman) was so bowled over by the sheer literary merits of the ms that she could not rest until she had somehow and against all odds managed to persuade her peons to pick it up.

Astonishing. *wipes tear from eye*

A fantasy novel about tribes of warring birds, written by a gifted 11-year-old girl who lives in the southern-most province of China, is to be published worldwide in English.

The young author, Nancy Yi Fan, won the extraordinary opportunity by simply emailing her manuscript to the chief executive of HarperCollins, Jane Friedman, at the publisher’s New York office.

Fan has since been hailed as a prodigy by her editors who will use her book in a new attempt to establish the firm in China . Her story, Swordbird, is an epic allegory about the struggle for peace and will be printed in this country in the new year. Those who have seen it talk about it as the product of a mind as imaginative as some of the greatest names in children’s writing.

Fan wrote the novel in response to learning of the war on terror, and it is described as ‘an action-packed tale of birds at war’, set in the once-peaceful Stone-Run Forest. It tells how local woodbird tribes, the Cardinals and the Blue Jays, find themselves pitted against each other in a search for precious food supplies – some of which have mysteriously gone missing. Fighting breaks out and an evil hawk, Turnatt, turns the tribes against each other as part of a plan to take over the forest. He enslaves captives from surrounding tribes and is forced to build an impregnable fortress in which to confine all the woodbirds.

Born in Beijing in 1993, Fan lived in New York with her parents from the age of seven, graduating ‘with excellence’ from an elementary school there in 2004. When she was in sixth grade, at the age of 11, she was taught about terrorism and the events of 9/11. That night, she explains, she had a startling dream all about birds at war and the next day she started writing Swordbird in her bedroom as a way of trying to convey her worries about violence in the world. She now lives back in China, on the beautiful Hainan Island with her parents and their three pet birds. The girl, now 13, is a compulsive writer and reader who spends most of her time in the library, but she also loves bird-watching and martial arts.

The hero of Swordbird is an escaped ‘slavebird’, Miltin, who leads the woodbirds once they learn of Turnatt‘s strategy. The title refers to a legendarily heroic bird of peace. The Swordbird is the only one who can save the forest, so young birds Aska and Miltin fly off on a dangerous mission to find the Leasone gem. This stone, paired with an ancient song from the ‘Old Scripture’, will conjure Swordbird‘s help. The story has been chosen to launch the publishing house’s new push into China.

Quel suprise. New push into China? Why, what an amazing coincidence. As is the fact that the names in the book aren’t Chinese, nor even easy for Chinese to pronounce, nor are cardinals and blue jays native to China (nor Manhatten, come to that; they need woods). Nor does anyone graduate from an American elementary school, with excellence or Did JT write it? Not if it doesn't have hookers and raccoon penis boneswithout, in four years. Seriously, people, is there a seedy, unheated warehouse in Fulan or Maine stuffed with Old Oxbridgers, furiously churning out what the People’s Republic hopes will be the next Harry Potter?

Elmo scandal grows: A Two – Two, ah! ah! ah! – Two-Faced Snake

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From Scott Feschuk‘s book Searching for Michael Jackson’s Nose.

Does it say too much about me to mention that I spent 45 minutes searching for this on the internet before realizing the possibility that I’d come across it somewhere else? Like in a … what’s the word? Book, right? After all, I used to read stuff that existed in the physical as well as ethereal world. But that was many years ago…

Elmo needs an intervention

A Two – Two, Ah! Ah! Ah! – Two-Faced Snake

PRODUCER: Hey. Excuse me, you, with the feathers. Listen, we’re from A&E. We’re here to shoot some footage for a Biography special on Elmo. You know him?

BIG BIRD (sipping a latte): Sure, I know Elmo. Everyone on Sesame Street knows Elmo.

PRODUCER: Great. That’s great. Let us just get the camera set up here and we’ll ask you a few questions. Stories, anecdotes, fond memories – whatever you can come up with.

BIG BIRD: Oh, you don’t want to talk to me. Elmo and I used to be good pals, but he doesn’t hang out on the street much any more. I hardly ever see him these days.

PRODUCER: So talk about old times, when Elmo was first getting to be famous. [to camera operator] You ready? Okay, shoot.

BIG BIRD: All right. Well, that was when it all started to change, really. Elmo had always been a sweet little guy, even when he was starting to make it big. But then one year Bob McGrath took him to the Grammys, and Elmo was never the same.

PRODUCER: Got a bit of a big head, did he?

BIG BIRD: Well, not exactly. I think what happened is that at one of those after-parties, Bob introduced Elmo to P.Diddy, and they just hit it off. Dancing, laughing, partying. One minute Elmo‘s learning his alphabet and practicing his phonics, the next he’s chugging Cristal and calling Maria “bee-yatch.”

PRODUCER: Cut. That’s great, Bird, great. But we’re working more from the Elmo-is-adored-by-children-around-the-world angle.

BIG BIRD: Oh sure, he’s all tee-hee for the cameras. But yell “Cut!” these days and the kid’s got a voice like Harvey Fierstein and a temper like Sean Penn.

PRODUCER: Right. [Sees someone else is coming]Okay, thanks, Bird. Hey! Hey, blue guy. Over here. How about you? What do you make of Elmo‘s remarkable success?

COOKIE MONSTER: Me no want to talk about him.

PRODUCER: Come on, our viewers would appreciate it.

COOKIE MONSTER: Me say this. Me used to get all best cookies, real gourmet product. Now, budget all go to Elmo. Big trailer, masseuse, guest directors for his segments. Quentin Tarantino take forty-seven days to shoot balls-falling-out-of-closet gag. An then they make me do sketch with frickin’ Dutch windmill cookies. Dutch windmill cookies. [Pause] Dutch. Windmill. Cookies.

PRODUCER: Er, right… You two! Stop! What about you two fellows? What can you tell us about Elmo?

ERNIE: Well, I don’t know what you’ve heard, but he’s a good kid.

PRODUCER: Finally! Get the camera over here!

ERNIE: A lot of folks on Sesame Street are jealous, though. I mean, a guy like Grover has been paying his dues for decades – never bellyaching, not even when they stuffed him into a white disco suit for the cover of the Sesame Street Fever album – and he gets jack-all in the way of respect around here. But Elmo giggles and moults fof fifteen minutes every day and he’s got Emmys out the wazoo. It gets a little hard to take. Just yesterday, he shows up late for our rhyming-game segment. Eyes as red as his fur. And I’m not even going to tell you how he replied when I started the sketch by saying, “Pucker.”

BERT (nudging his way in): You know at the end of the show, there’s that bit where they say, “Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter F and the number five,” or something like that. Well, Elmo has a hissy fit one day – storms off the set! – when the producers won’t agree to change it to “Sesame Street is brought to you by Big Ol’ Hank’s Burger Hut and Tequila Bar.” They always comp Elmo down at Big Ol’ Hank’s. The rest of us can’t even run a friggin’ tab.

PRODUCER: CUt. [Sighs] Burn that tape.

ERNIE: I heard that’s why they gave him his own show a few years back – to keep him from bolting. Fox was after him to play the lead in a bawdy new sitcom opposite Tori Spelling and one of the California Raisins.

PRODUCER: Wel, um… thanks. Cripes. [Dejectedly] How about you, sir? Do you have a minute to tell our viewers what you think of Elmo?

COUNT VON COUNT: Yes, I have precisely one – one, ah! ah! ah! – one minute to spare. So let me tell you a story, Mr. Producer Man. I run a little sideline business on Sesame Street: a public service involving financial repercussions resulting from the outcomes of certain events of a sporting nature, if you catch my drift. [The producer stares ahead vacantly]  I’m a friggin’ bookie. Anyway, Elmo gets on the show, starts earning a little green. Next thing I know he’s knocking on my castle door. Kid got lucky at first, real lucky: he always bet that the baker guy with the cakes would wind up falling down those stairs. Clumsy oaf cost me a fortune! But then Elmo started wagering on hopscotch, on rock-paper-scissors – he was out of control, and his luck turned bad. Soon, the kid’s into me for five – five, ah! ah! ah! – for five large. But every time I go to collect, I get a face-full of fat furry enforcer, telling me to scram. You ask me, the kid’s a two – two, ah! ah! ah! – two-faced snake.

There is a pause.

PRODUCER: Screw this. Let’s hit the road. I say we try soemthing a little easier this afternoon, like getting Mia Farrow to say some nice things for the Woody Allen bio.

As the producer and his crew depart, they walk past the Sesame Street Four Seasons, where Elmo is in the hot tub shooting a segment for his show, Elmo’s World.

ELMO (wearing sunglasses and nursing a highball while bikinied Muppets peel grapes for him): Hi, kids! Elmo loves you! Today we’re going to learn all about “groupies.”

reports of Bin Laden’s death are “unconfirmed”

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So that leaves nine, right?

But we cannot prove they’re exaggerated, and, in fact, we do not wish to, as we here at the raincoaster blog long ago decided that he must be dead, because he was obviously career-dead, and didn’t nuthin’ come between Osama and his public. Just ask Matt LeBlanc what conclusions the world draws when a formerly prominent media person stays out of the frame for that long.

Screenshot of Bin Laden

Note, however, that “unconfirmed,” when it’s said by a government official, generally means, “I’m not sure if we’re supposed to admit that yet, so I’ll check the guy in charge of media on that and get back to you.”

from Le Monde. I’ll see if I can coax a translation out of someone better than me at French, but feel free to jump in any time.

L’information sur la mort de Oussama ben Laden “n’est en rien confirmée”, a indiqué samedi le président Jacques Chirac, qui s’est dit “surpris” de la publication dans la presse d’une note de la DGSE sur ce sujet.

“Je suis un peu surpris qu’une note confidentielle de la DGSE ait été publiée”, a indiqué Jacques Chirac lors d’une conférence de presse à l’issue du sommet France-Russie-Allemagne.

“Cette information n’est en rien confirmée”, a-t-il dit.

Une note de la DGSE, datée du 21 septembre et publiée samedi par l’Est Républicain, affirme que les services de renseignement saoudiens ont “acquis la conviction qu’Oussama ben Laden est mort” des suites d’une crise de typhoïde.

Cette information sur la mort de ben Laden, régulièrement annoncée par le passé et jamais prouvée jusqu’à présent, était cependant jugée peu fiable par des sources au Pakistan et en Europe suivant de près les activités d’Al-Qaïda, contactées samedi matin par l’AFP.

Bert!!! I can't believe it!!!

They found an American who can read Frenchish, apparently, over at MSNBC, so here’s what they report:

PARIS – The French defense ministry on Saturday called for an internal investigation of the leak of an intelligence document that raises the possibility that Osama bin Laden may have died of typhoid in Pakistan a month ago but said the report of the death remained unverified.

“The information defused this morning by the l’Est Republicain newspaper concerning the possible death of Osama bin Laden cannot be confirmed,” a Defense Ministry statement said.

The daily newspaper for the Lorraine region in eastern France printed what it described as a confidential document from the French foreign intelligence service DGSE citing an uncorroborated report from Saudi secret services that the leader of the al-Qaida terror network had died…

Document exists but cannot be confirmed
Defense Ministry spokesman Jean-Francois Bureau, clarifying the statement, said that the DGSE document exists but that its contents — that bin Laden is allegedly dead — cannot be confirmed.

The DGSE, or Direction Generale des Services Exterieurs, indicated that its information came from a single source.

“According to a reliable source, Saudi security services are now convinced that Osama bin Laden is dead,” said the intelligence report…

“The chief of al-Qaida was a victim of a severe typhoid crisis while in Pakistan on August 23, 2006,” the document says. His geographic isolation meant that medical assistance was impossible, the French report said, adding that his lower limbs were allegedly paralyzed. On Sept. 4, Saudi security services had their first information on bin Laden’s alleged death, the unconfirmed document reported.

In Pakistan, a senior official of that country’s top spy agency, the ISI or Directorate of Inter-Service Intelligence, said he had no information to confirm bin Laden’s whereabouts or that he might be dead. The official said he believed the report could be fabricated. The official was not authorized to speak publicly on the topic and spoke on condition of anonymity.

U.S. Embassy officials in Pakistan and Afghanistan also said they could not confirm the French report.

Now, this may be terribly cynical of me, but does anyone else think that Pakistan is asking for just enough time to move the body across the border to Afghanistan? It just looks better than harboring America‘s greatest enemy as they have been doing all along, and as the Bush government undoubtably knew.