the B Team

Remember the A Team? Of course you do! Now meet the B Team: Mr. T, Simon Cowell, the Olsen Twins, KFed, and Britney team up to solve the case of Nicole‘s stolen cellphone! Popozao, y’all!

from Defamer

Sesame Street fires “Audit Me Elmo”

Sesame Street lets go of its ‘top gun’

Newsflash from the Pittsburgh Tribune By Eric Heyl
TRIBUNE-REVIEW
Friday, September 22, 2006

Weary of his increasingly erratic behavior, Sesame That's right; his agent is with CAA!Street producers will not extend the contract of the program’s most popular muppet.Gary Knell, CEO of Sesame Workshop, the parent company of the popular PBS program, told The Wall Street Journal yesterday that he is severing ties with Elmo.

“As much as we like him personally, we thought it was wrong to renew his deal,” Knell said. “His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Sesame Street.”

Knell would not elaborate. But those close to the show indicated PBS had grown increasingly irritated over Elmo’s public embrace of Scientology.

Nor was the network happy when Elmo, in an interview with NBC’s Matt Lauer, launched a blistering attack on the use of antidepressants to combat postpartum depression.

The final straw, industry sources said, was Elmo signing off on his spastic new likeness, TMX Elmo, which was unveiled Tuesday.

Parodying the panic-stricken movements of a typical choking victim, the latest Elmo doll doubles over, falls on its back and kicks its legs before finally rising — cackling hysterically all the while.

“It completely undignified. It unbecoming of muppet who supposedly has intellectual acuity of 3-year-old,” said a source close to Sesame Street who is not the Cookie Monster.

To Sesame Street and PBS executives, the doll also rekindled disturbing memories of Elmo‘s controversial appearance last year onOprah.” The doll behaves much as Elmo did on the talk show when he passionately and clumsily declared his love for his onscreen romantic interest, the furry orange creature Zoe.The couple since have spawned a young daughter, Silli, while denying persistent rumors that the child’s father actually is the lovable blue muppet Grover.

The powerful Creative Artists Agency, which represents Elmo and many of Hollywood‘s other A-list stars, termed the firing “graceless and uncouth.”

“This is no way to treat an artist,” a CAA release stated. “This unconscionable action will cause brightly colored and highly marketable children’s puppets everywhere to question whether they would want to work for an outfit that does this to its greatest asset.”

Producers reportedly are involved in serious negotiations with Brad Pitt to replace Elmo in the upcoming sequel to the hit film “Elmo in Grouchland.” The anticipated action blockbuster’s working title is “Return to Grouchland: Oscar’s Days of Rage.”

Elmo reads his press

question o’ the day

TIAWhat does a commenter have to do to get banned around here?

Geez, I thought it was a lock!

Christopher Walken in Hairspray; words fail me

Don't blame me, blame defamer!

blame it on Defamer. I’ll be scrubbing my eyes out with bleach!

Had you told us a photo would emerge from the set of Hairspray, currently shooting in Toronto, whose monstrous, bouffant-laden imagery could haunt our dreams more than this one, we likely would have thought you had been huffing on a paper bag full of Aqua Net. Of course, we hadn’t yet laid eyes on this portrait of Christopher Walken, whom we can best surmise plays the movie’s elderly, withered drag queen, pictured positively beaming as he takes in what will likely be one of his final few gay pride parades. We imagine it should be a week or so before flashbacks to drooping sock-garters on a pair of spindly, pallid calves fail to rouse us from our slumber in trembling nightsweats.

Operation Global Media Domination: Nawked

TIAThat’s not a strange Britishism; it’s the word for when Gawker uses not just one, but two of the YouTubes you posted in a single day without referencing you even indirectly. And no, it’s not carryover bitterness from the time I gave them Cold Desert’s Absolut ads and they didn’t gimme so much as a “via raincoaster.” No, I’m so over that! 

Perish the thought!

Well, at least Metafilter gave me the luv, which was worth a good 1200 hits in one day, and, bizarrely, Chubby Bunny seems to be going viral, days after the posting, leaving all mango porno-related posts in the compost heap. I guess there’s a lag time with marshmallows: who knew?

Other link-luvvers include CBS News (FFS!), Digg, WordPress.com, TotalFark, an awful lot of self-hating people who clicked through when I told the readers chez Guido to go fuck themselves, and VampireFreaks, which brings us to…

Kimveer Gill’s Blog continues to be popular with illiterate teenagers who hate everyone and only want to be left alone because they’re peaceful, loving people and who have come to my blog to threaten me for saying otherwise, although I hadn’t, but they wouldn’t know that because they, of course, don’t read the post or the comments. Occasional flashes of insight are posted in that thread by people who don’t know the saying about pearls before swine; the latest swine was someone pretending to be Anastasia deSousa’s brother. His IP is 24.236.230.153 if anyone is interested in taking it up with him.

Hits indicate that everyone is still interested in Beautiful Agony, Blackzilla, and watching Steve Irwin die. Except me. Oh, and some reaaaaaaaly longtailers are just catching on to Lucy Gao now.

BTW, I have five bucks riding on my whining getting me banned from Gawker. Time will tell; they won’t wake up for another ten hours.