Category Archives: Celebrity

air sex champ licks himself into shape

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Seriously, you cannot beat this headline. via, um, can’t remember but with a headline like that is must be FARK.

virgin and the living dead. Sounds like the Roxy

Japan’s air sex world champion licks himself into shape

Japan has recently claimed the world air guitar championship, but Weekly Playboy (10/2) notes that less well known is that Japan already had a world champ in another virtual sport — air sex!

Just like air guitar pits competitors prancing around on stage empty handed but acting as though they were playing a hot riff, air sex requires players to simulate sauciness as though with a partner, but actually while alone.

“Air sex was originally invented by guys who Carell is too cute, though.couldn’t get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex,” J-Taro Sugisaku, the self-professed creator of air sex, tells Weekly Playboy…

“You must be warned, though air sex can be very dangerous,” Sugisaku says. “Normally what happens with a display is that you perform the same way you normally would when having sex. I’ve seen guys who put on air sex shows that clearly display they’re still virgins. I’ve also seen other guys perform such incredibly authentic fake fellatio that nobody has been left in any doubt that they could only be bisexual. Let me reiterate: Air sex can be dangerous.”

Japan’s reigning air sex world champion is a feller who goes by the name of Cobra. His theory for successful air sex is that it involves more than just blowing…

Cobra then proceeds to put on an 8 1/2-minute display of air sex for the weekly, with moves including ear nibbling, sphincter licking, attaching a condom while kissing, ejaculation and afterglow. Cobra says that the knack of bogus bonking lies in openness.

“You can’t care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you. When you get down to air sex, you’ve got to immerse yourself in the air sex world,” Cobra says. “Air sex can’t be performed in half-measures. If it is, you’re only asking for trouble.”

Wow, so men can’t fake it either.

Like a virgin...yet unlike

Lagerfeld’s new lingerie: Seductive Baboon

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From Gallery of the Absurd, via Defamer. I’m so incredibly relieved; for awhile I was thinking that the casting couch must have some very esoteric tastes. Assflaps? And that…thing that Lohan shared with the whole world in Venice. And Santa Monica. And Malibu. And…

The Truth Behind Starlet Crotch Photos

There has been an alarming increase in the frequency of starlet crotch photos across the blogosphere. You’d have to be from Jupiter if you’ve not yet seen photos of Paris Hilton’s weathered bits splashed all over the internet. If you’ve checked the gossip blogs lately, you’ve also been subjected to the regrettable vision of Lindsay Lohan’s “fire crotch” as she exits a vehicle while wearing a miniskirt sans underwear in front of a pack of eager paparazzi. Our reporters here at Gallery of the Absurd wanted to get to the bottom of this disturbing trend and we can now share with you what we learned:

We’re pleased to report that these young ladies are simply wearing Karl Lagerfeld‘s sizzlingly sexy new line of lingerie – Seductive Baboon. Lagerfeld noticed striking similarity between the mating behavior of the female baboon and that of certain free-wheeling Hollywood starlets and was inspired to create a line of underwear that resembles the swollen ass of a baboon.  We know, it’s hard to tell the difference, but that’s where Lagerfeld‘s genius is apparent. Sexy, no? Karl shares his insight with us:

Unka Karl on assflaps

Parisbaboon

We adore the Paris Hilton version of Seductive Baboon underwear! They even have a little pocket sewn on so that “Crabby” has a dark place to hide when there’s too much sunlight disturbing him.  Folks, there’s no longer any need to gouge out your eyeballs after you see yet another photo of Hilton’s crotch…rest assured, she’s wearing Seductive Baboon. Available at fine stores everywhere.

Lindzboon

Chad Vader, Night Shift Manager (Episode 3)

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Let’s see how Darth‘s younger brother Chad is getting on, now that he’s been demoted to Night Shift Manager.

Mad V mad gee tar skillz

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Rick and roll!

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Mercer's not too sure about you, pal.

Mercer‘s back, and raincoaster’s got him (ah, if only)! Actually, he’s been back for ten days but before that he hadn’t updated since April, so serves him right for the fact I didn’t find out till today!

Still, we’re not proud and we will take what we can get.

I see that Jack Layton has distinguished himself on the international front by coming up with a solution for the Afghanistan situation. Jack is calling for peace talks with the Taliban. About time the NDP get back to their more loony roots. For a while there they were coming off all semi-sensible.

Rest assured if there are peace talks with the Taliban and Jack Layton The Mercer Report will be there! I’ve attended a lot of political events over the years and as a location I would suggest holding the talks in one of the ball rooms at the casino in Hull.

I think you might be able to smoke there and I’m guessing the Taliban would appreciate that. All the Taliban really require to have a good time is an ashtray and a few de-peopled women making sure there’s a steady supply of unsafe drinking water.

Agenda for Historic Peace talks between Jack Mercer is shocked, shocked I tell you!Layton and Taliban leader – room 202 Casino Du Lac Leamy, Quebec

8:00 am – Jack Layton opening comments and welcome to assembled media and Taliban representative.

8:05 am – Taliban representative walks to podium, poses for photographs with Mr. Layton.

8:06 am – Taliban representative cleaves Mr. Layton in the forehead with giant axe.

8:08 am – Peace talks end.

8:10 am – Olivia Chow says she is “encouraged by talks” – announces plan to run for leadership of NDP.

What else is going on? On the Liberal front I was encouraged to read that Michael Ignatieff will not accept any questions from the media that are “anticipatory hypotheticals”. I’m glad he made this clear because I hope to interview him on the show this year and I appreciate the heads up. Truth is I like Iggy but honestly sometimes I don’t know what in the hell he’s talking about. I thought all hypotheticals were anticipatory! I am so stupid sometimes. I googled the phrase “anticipatory hypothetical” and there are only seven known uses in the history of the English language. The term pops up on a website called indiansex.com and it’s also used in an essay written by some dude in Iowa who believes that robots have taken over the world.

And finally on a sad note that crocodile hunter guy was killed by a stingray. Laugh and the world laughs with you, get killed by a benign piece of seafood and the world laughs too apparently. Showbiz is brutal that way.

Welcome back.

Anticipatory bestseller?