Sorry for the unexpected time off. I can only say that the single best way to mess yourself up for three consecutive days is to try to switch from nocturnal to diurnal within a 24-hour period. I dread the thought of checking email.
Meanwhile, watch this; it’s funny.
From Mistress Cowfish:
Never Argue with a WomanOne morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her
book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls
up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am.
What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that
obvious?”)
‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you
up”. “If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual
assault, “says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she
can also think. Send this to four women who are thinkers.
Slightly edited and stolen from Guido‘s blog, but I can do that because I’m the one that put it there. Besides, information wants to be free, right?
Someone asked if I thought Blair and Bush declared war on Iraq just for fun.
I don’t think they have wars for fun; I think they have wars to “secure their place in history” to outdo their fathers, and to gain or retain political power. Far more Americans and Brits have died as a result of their wars than died as a result of the terrorist attacks, and the effect of the tightening noose of fascism on the formerly free peoples of the US and the UK is a horrible thing to see.
It’s a kind of autoerotic asphyxiation. It is obscene.
They could never have done it without us. I never thought I’d witness it, but the easy acquiescence of the people to these controls is an offense to the eyes and the soul of every free-born human being. Britain is where representative democracy in its modern form originated, and America was forged in the belief that only the people who lived in a country had the right to decide how that country should be ruled.
What happened to that?
The government and popular actions of the past several years are nothing more than the grotesque spectacle of a citizenry falling on their knees to their rulers. Isn’t this the battle against tyranny we thought we’d won centuries ago?
If we give up our freedoms to preserve our pathetic skins, what exactly gives us our moral authority? When they say they’re bringing “Western-style democracy and freedoms” what can they possibly mean by that? The kind we’ve just forfeited?
As Benjamin Franklin said, those who would trade personal liberty for bodily safety deserve neither.
Now this is a work of rare and majestic beauty. It seems E!, the network too cheap to spring for a single consonant, wanted permission to relive one of the high points of American rock ‘n roll, the onstage death of Dimebag Darrell, late of Pantera and Damageplan. Here‘s what the publicist replied (via Fark):
Hi Beau. I’m leaving John‘s comments in cause he’s a nice guy and I know this was difficult for him to send on through. I’m also blind copying a whole list of folks who will most likely copy a whole other list of folks until maybe this spreads like a good email should and end up on 100,000 websites to show the world what a collective bunch of tasteless morons you all are.
I would like to request that you please read this out out loud to all the creative geniuses in the programming department that came up with this idea.
…
We have received your request to license footage on Dimebag Darrell Abbott for your upcoming production of, “25 Most Chilling Hollywood Murders.”
While we realize the average E! audience most likely has the IQ of an umbrella, they collectively are a smarter bunch than the lot of you. Your programming creativity falls somewhere to the bottom of the middle at best, and that’s saying a lot.
I ask that you all please take a moment from your busy days and close your eyes. Live out the fantasy of playing your favorite instrument onstage. Your closest friends in the world surround you, either in the band or in your crew. From one side of the stage, a man approaches. Thinking he’s a security guy or a drunk fan who’s just a bit out a line, you continue to perform. Two seconds later, he lifts his arms, aims a rifle at your brother, your best friend, your buddy and blows his brains out, not three feet from where you are. In the nanosecond it takes you to comprehend the magnitude of what just happened, he does it again …and again …and again …and again …and again …and again before taking aim and murdering additional members of your extended family as well as fans that have come to see you play. Two of your crew are shot but survive, but of course, will never be the same again.
Now imagine it’s a few years later and you turn on the TV set. Just in case you may be having at least a five minute respite from that scene that plays over and over in your head, just in case …..you flip through the channels and there it is. Again. Only with some two bit actor who thinks this is his big Hollywood break.
And please, if you don’t like that scenario, make believe it’s your child who got his brains splattered all over a stage in Ohio. And then you turn on E! Oh, the magic of television!
In case none of this appears clear enough and you need a definitive answer to your request…no. The answer is no, and on behalf of everyone that was there that night and everyone that misses him every day, you can take that no and shove it up your collective asses.
And, for your second request, yes, you can quote me on that.
Sincerely,
Jane Hoffman
NiggaKnow Technology has reviewed the latest from Segway, with predictably hair-on-the-walls results. And I say more power to them; the Segway is a self-indulgent, expensive, purposeless piece of turdblossom whose only justification for existence is the undeniable fact that some people are just too damn rich and lazy to operate their own feet. The moment it was announced I pronounced it DOA, and in this I have been proven right. It’s been on PR life support ever since, while Dean Kamen has been holed up, frantically trying to produce something that either A) improves the world we live in or B) entertains enough people that they forgive him the relentless Segway hype. Perhaps a robot that runs on recycled plastic and costs five dollars to build and employs people in Katrina-devastated territory and Darfur might about do it, but only if it could also pratfall on command like Chevy Chase.
Let’s go to the Motherfucking Transcript, shall we?
Segway got a new line of they faggot nerd bikes that will allow white people to bend side to side when they decide they want to turn left or right. That’s it, that’s the big motherfucking innovation. White people twisting they selves on a straight up gay scooter with they silly ass helmets on trying to take they ass to work so they can tell they bosses how much they love all they motherfucking stupid suggestions and ideas for 12 like hours, skip lunch, and get fatter eating 15,000 calories worth of oreos in they motherfucking cubicles. That shit ain’t new, The real Segway news come into play when you look at they site.
But where’s the race angle?
So I read about they new pillow biting ass nerd chariots and went to they site. I’m like 15 pages deep in white motherfucker marketing bullshit and I notice that they trying to correct the mistakes of the past by actually popping some black people up on they bitch made brochure looking site. How many? Two, and they even got security guard uniforms.
This motherfucker right here got that real white agenda illustrated to the ultimate. Not only do they got another black security guard, in a motherfucking empty secluded ass parking deck, on one them faggot nerd bikes.. but the nigga is PEEPING OUT on a motherfucking MINIVAN.
I mean what the fuck kind of white deception bullshit is that? How the fuck you gonna tell me that niggas be casing motherfucking MINI-VANS while rolling on one of those nerd bikes. I mean that shit is motherfucking boganza, but for some god damn reason it makes sense in they little white heads. I mean, if a nigga gonna roll on that faggot ass 5 grand nerd bike, then they may as well be chopping mini-vans. Its like Segway telling motherfuckers that black people down with quilting bees and motherfucking ovaltine when they could take time out they busy schedule of robbing Chevettes and Volvos.
raincoaster 