Even Stevphens: Colbert vs Carell solve religion

Stolen from Metro, who stole it from someone else. Colbert and Carell solve that whole “my imaginary friend is better than yours” thang in three minutes. We note as well that it has been favorited 666 times. UPDATE: It’s been kilt. But I found you a new one instead during the temporary amnesty brought on by the well-deserved avalanche of fanhaterade on Comedy Central:

UPDATE TO UPDATE: It’s been un-kilt, so I put it below the bonus one I uploaded. The first is the best of Even Stevphens, the second is Christianity vs Islam.

UPDATE TO UPDATE TO UPDATE: Comedy Central needs a fucking enema. Steven? Stephen? Email me.

“The Web interprets censorship as damage and routes around it”
John Seabrook

del.icio.us: Even Stevphens Solve Religion
blinklist: Even Stevphens Solve Religion
furl: Even Stevphens Solve Religion
Digg it: Even Stevphens Solve Religion
ma.gnolia: Even Stevphens Solve Religion
Stumble it: Even Stevphens Solve Religion
newsvine: Even Stevphens Solve Religion
reddit: Even Stevphens Solve Religion
Technorati me!

make moussaka, not war: zucchinis for peace

Stolen heartlessly from Waiterforum:

Afghanistan Needs Food, Not Bombs:
Send Zucchinis to War Minister Gordon O’Connor Today!

Please forward far and wide

Afghanistan Needs Food, not Bombs: Send a Zucchini today to Canada’s War Minister
(no postage required–details below, including sample letter and address)

This message includes:
1. FOOD CRISIS IN AFGHANISTAN

2. CANADA SHOULD SEND FOOD, NOT BOMBS, TO AFGHANISTAN

3. WHY ZUCCHINIS, WHY NOW?

4. FEED THE AFGHAN PEOPLE, STOP SQUASHING THEIR HOPES FOR PEACE (includes address of War Minister Gordon O’Connor and sample letter)

5. SENLIS COUNCIL NEWS RELEASE ON HUMANITARIAN CRISIS IN AFGHANISTAN

Lotsa zucchini here!

1. FOOD CRISIS IN AFGHANISTAN
This week, in a much under-reported story, the European-based Senlis Council released a report that stated children are starving in Afghanistan.

Foreign military expenditures in that country outpace development and reconstruction spending by 900% (much as the Canadian military budget outpaces the housing budget by over 900%!)

Indeed, $82.5 billion (U.S. funds) have been spent on military operations in Afghanistan since 2002 compared with just $7.3 billion on development.

The report states that “five years after the 2001 US-led invasion, a humanitarian crisis of starvation and poverty has gripped the south of the country and the US- and UK-led failed counter-narcotics and military policies are responsible…makeshift, unregistered refugee camps of starving children, civilians displaced by counter-narcotics eradication and bombing campaigns can be found on the doorstep of new US and UK multi-million dollar military camps.” (see full Senlis press release below)

The United Nations World Food Programme has been forced to cancel plans to provide more than 2.5 million Afghans with urgent food aid. Unless these needs are met, this will have dire consequences for millions of Afghans.

2. CANADA SHOULD SEND FOOD, NOT BOMBS, TO AFGHANISTAN

We are most often told that the main reason the Canadian military is in Afghanistan is to help the Afghan people. Many Afghan people are starving. It is time to send massive amounts of food aid, not massive amounts of bullets and bombs.

3. WHY ZUCCHINIS, WHY NOW?
The Power of A Symbol

Politicians are often unable to grasp the meaning of words, more than a vegetable, a symbol!and require symbols to help them out. We have seen in the past few years stunning examples of Homes not Bombs campaigns that have succeeded in employing the noble zucchini in the cause of peace. We have argued that successive war ministers’ confused sexual desires to launch phallic-shaped missiles would be more safely directed if phallic-shaped zucchinis were sent instead.

Surely it can be no coincidence that:

1. Homes not Bombs repeatedly presented Peace Zucchinis to then War Minister Art Eggleton in an effort to get Canada out of star wars; his government rejected overt participation in the Bush space warfare scheme.

2. Homes not Bombs presented Peace Zucchinis to then War Minister John McCallum in late January, 2003, with the demand that Canada not join the war against Iraq. His government did not formally join that invasion, and McCallum enjoyed a good stir-fry.

3. Homes not Bombs spearheaded the campaign to send empty pens to then “Public Safety” Minister Anne McLellan, the idea being her desk would fill up with so many ink-less pens that when CSIS came knocking for her to sign a secret trial security certificate, she wouldn’t be able to find a pen that actually worked. Needless to say, McLellan never signed a security certificate!

4. Homes not Bombs precursor Banana Republics United, a 1980s open conspiracy, played a major role in a campaign to send bananas to then-U.S. Ambassador Paul Robinson, who treated Canada much like said banana republic. Needless to say, he eventually split.

There is clearly a pattern here that cannot be ignored.

Perhaps the most famous example of a culinary symbol in the cause of peace is described by David Albert in People Power: Applying Non-violence Theory:

“In the mid 1950s, the pacifist Fellowship of Reconciliation, learning of famine in the Chinese mainland, launched a “Feed Thine Enemy” campaign.

Members and friends mailed thousands of little bags of rice to the White House with a tag quoting the Bible, “If thine enemy hunger, feed him.” As far as anyone knew for more than ten years, the campaign was an abject failure. The President did not acknowledge receipt of the bags publicly; certainly no rice was ever sent to China.

“What non-violent activists only learned a decade later was that the campaign played a significant, perhaps even determining role in preventing nuclear war. Twice while the campaign was on, President Eisenhower met with the Joint Chiefs of Staff to consider US options in the conflict with China over two islands, Quemoy and Matsu. The generals twice recommended the use of nuclear weapons. President Eisenhower each time turned to his aide and asked how many little bags of rice had come in. When told they numbered in the tens of thousands, Eisenhower told the generals that as long as so many Americans were expressing active interest in having the US feed the Chinese, he certainly wasn’t going to consider using nuclear weapons against them.

4. FEED THE AFGHAN PEOPLE, STOP SQUASHING THEIR HOPES FOR PEACE
So now it is time to make sure War Minister Gordon O’Connor gets the picture. Postage free, you can mail a zucchini and a note urging that O’Connor feed, not bomb, the people of Afghanistan (sample letter follows). Can you imagine the War Minister’s office deluged with zucchinis? He can’t help but charter a plane and start loading them personally!)

We would like to keep a running tally, so please email tasc@web.ca when you have lovingly wrapped your zucchini in an envelope and sent it postage-free to the following address:

Gordon O’Connor, MP, War Minister
157 East Block
House of Commons
Ottawa ON K1A 0A6

Dear Mr. O’Connor,

Please forward the enclosed zucchini to the people of Afghanistan with the next plane headed that way. It would be far better to send this phallic symbol than the phallic symbols – missiles and mortar rounds – that you are currently sending.

As you must be aware, there is a humanitarian crisis, especially in the southern region of Afghanistan, where thousands of Canadian troops are deployed. That crisis is one of extreme poverty and hunger, and cannot be alleviated with guns, aerial bombardment, house raids, arbitrary detention, and mistreatment of detainees.

The respected Senlis Council recently noted that 900% more has been spent on the military build-up than on development in Afghanistan.

The United Nations World Food Programme has been forced to cancel plans to provide more than 2.5 million Afghans with urgent food aid. Unless these needs are met, this will have dire consequences for millions of Afghans.

I urge you to bring Canada’s troops home and to seek dialogue and peaceful solutions to the crisis in Afghanistan. The billions you are spending to fight there would be far better spent on peaceful conflict resolution and meeting the pressing social needs of the Afghan people.

You often refer to those you are fighting as your enemy. While “enemy thinking” is an unacceptable world view that inevitably leads to violence, I remind you of the Biblical reference in Romans 12:20, “If thine enemy hunger, feed him.”

The Afghan people are not our enemy. But they are hungry. It’s time for food, not bombs.

Name
Address

PSA: Pivot Exhibition and Public Vote to Choose Photo Contest Winners

A past winner 

Vancouver – Beginning Monday, September 11th, members of the public and residents of the Downtown Eastside will be able to see and vote for the winners of Pivot Legal Society’s 2006 Photography Contest.

This is the first time in the four-year history of the Downtown Eastside Photo Contest that members of the public will be able to make their opinions heard in the selection of the winning images.

In previous years, the winning photos were chosen by a panel of professional photographers.  This year, however, the panelists were restricted to creating a shortlist of the top 45 photos.  The final choices for First, Second, Third and Honourable Mention prizes will be determined by members of the public. 

In order to ensure the fairness of the election, voters must register as members of the Carnegie Centre in order to receive a ballot.  A membership in Carnegie can be purchased for $1, and includes access to a computer lab, billiards room, weightlifting room, gymnasium, library and senior’s lounge, as well as special events and ongoing educational and recreational programs such as yoga, pottery, music, and dance lessons.

The Exhibition and Voting for the winners of the 2006 Photo Contest will be held:

          Monday, Sept. 11 to Friday, Sept. 15
          11am to 5pm
          3rd Floor, Carnegie Centre
          401 Main Street, Vancouver

The results of the voting, and the winners of the contest will be announced in a public award ceremony to take place at Carnegie Centre on October 17, 2006.

Steve Irwin news roundup

TIAI think I’ve got it all, pretty much. Here are all the posts on this blog about Steve Irwin’s death. A warning to the curious: I am completely, utterly without sense of taste or discretion. Click at your peril.

Steve Irwin, R.I.P. Steve’s FedEx commercial. The news hits.

A Steve Irwin Tribute. Just what it says, something I wrote about my awestruck regard for the man.

No State Funeral for Steve Irwin. Australia offers, the Thumbs up from Steve!family declines. He was just a “regular bloke.” Yeah, but he was the best one.

Stingray apologizes for killing Steve Irwin. And about bloody time, too.

Steve Irwin wants you to watch THAT video. This is for real, or so this website says. Apparently he wanted his death to be broadcast, should it happen on-camera. No official word from the family yet, though.

Today in gruesomely decayed sea monster news. Russia has a sea monster, and here are the pix. Okay, it’s way tasteless of me to do it in Stevespeak, but this is the way Steve WOULD have reported it, if he weren’t dead.

UPDATE:

Would You Watch Steve Irwin Die? Apparently it’s true: Steve wanted his death filmed. But he didn’t actually SAY he wanted it broadcast, so what’s the right thing to do?

About the only thing he did NOT do in real life

today in gruesomely decayed sea monster news

Well mate, it’s abaout bloody toime we had some Sea Monsteh news ‘raond these pahts. Woi’ve bin calamari-deficient feh fah too long.

Oi say we call this one “Sakhalin Sally.”

Ain't she a beauty? Crikey!

Ain’t she a beauty? That evah-reloiable fave-rit o’ soientific jehnalists everywheh, EnglishRussia.com has the repoht.

This creature was found by Russian soldiers on Sakhalin shoreline. Sakhalin area is situated near to Japan, it’s the most eastern part of Russia, almost 5000 miles to East from Moscow (Russia is huge). People don’t know who is it. According to the bones and teeth – it is not a fish. According to its skeleton – it’s not a crocodile or alligator. It has a skin with hair or fur. It has been said that it was taken by Russian special services for in-depth studies, and we are lucky that people who encountered it first made those photos before it was brought away.

Crikey! She's hyoooooooooooge!

Crikey, she’s a big one, eh? She’d hah bin byoodeeful swimmin’ in the woild. But if ye’d be lookin’ at heh teeth an’ saying te yesself, “It looks loike a hohse’s skull upsoide-daown” we’d be thinkin’ the exact saime thing, mate.

But an owld one, roit?

But thet doesn’t accaont feh heh taiol, do it?

See whot Oi moine?

Whot a pity we nevah got ta see this gehl in the woild, swimmin’ free. Aw man, Oi think Oi’m gonna go ave a croi naow.