Category Archives: Culture

Operation Global Media Domination: the sport that wouldn’t die

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TIALast week it was all about feminine hygiene; this week, it’s all about curling and cowichan sweaters. By putting the two of these singularly-unbeatable elements together in one mighty blog post, I have apparently trounced all 102 of my other posts and generated a media monster of Frankensteinian proportions. No other post even comes close to the day-after-day, unassailable popularity of the post about bloody curling!

Did you even know that they closed the schools in Newfoundland when the curling final was on, so the kids could stay home and watch? Geez, I think that’s a bit optimistic. I mean, have you been to Newfoundland? I’m not sure they all have electricity, let alone cable. Hell, I’m not sure they all have opposable thumbs. Cartier described it as, “The land God gave to Cain,” and I don’t think he’s given it back, either. Ever met a Newfie? We should all take note of the fact that the definitive Newfie song was written over a bajillion and a half years ago by a 15-year-old cabin boy and they’ve come up with nothing better since.

They were so thrilled to have a celebrity describe their godforsaken rock, they turned the quote into a folk song. Remember what Tom Lehrer said about folk songs? “The reason most folk songs are so atrocious is that they were written by the people.” Makes hella sense, eh?

The Land God Gave to Cain

Long before the white man came
To haul the shining cod
When the wild and stately caribou
Traversed the snow-clad sod
The native man he walked these hills
And he fished the silvery lakes
Content with what the land would yield
Not one bit more would take

But soon the word it was put out
To every country
For to find a northern passage from
The sea to the shining sea
And the first to come were trappers
Then the men of God who preached
That they would return in hundredfold
An equal share to each

For years the men of Newfoundland
Those fishermen so poor
Sent down each year in springtime for
To fish on the Labrador
But soon the fish they were all gone
With the fur it was the same
And the native suffered silently
In the land God gave to Cain

The years went by, and as time passed
The companies moved in
For ore, and wood, and the hydro power
The struggle it did begin
And the working men on both sides
Tried to live their lives the same
And the native suffered silently
In the land God gave to Cain

But now it’s for the future
Both sides do shed a tear
For the old ways they are passing like
The caribou and hare
And now they all are wondering
If it was all in vain
And the native suffers silently
In the land God gave to Cain

But wasn’t it “gators” you were supposed to watch out for?

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I think this ad makes a nice contrast to the Lysol Feminine Hygiene post from earlier this month. Thanks to The Commercial Closet via BoingBoing. Sorry I can’t get it larger, for that all-important detail…I suggest you go view the source.

Cannon Towel Ad

Don’t drop the soap!

Help Wanted: URGENT!

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Like, seriously, people. I am begging, here!

So I’m house-sitting. It’s not too strenuous, asking nothing more of me than checking the mail, cleaning the litterbox, and making sure the cats don’t starve (by the look of them it would take a couple of weeks at minimum). Okay, so the litterbox thing doesn’t thrill me, but it’s better than staying in my own hovel, scraping mushrooms out of the carpet and moss off the interior walls and eating my own crappy food for a week. Hmmm, chocolate pudding and steak versus brown rice and marked-down veggie slaw? That’s a tough call…

But suddenly, there is so very much more on the line.

MeatheadYesterday I reached into the freezer, as I had done each of the days of my occupation. And, as I had done each of those days, I pulled out something meat-oriented. Meaty. Meatful. Something of meatification.

No, I did not know what it was. I’m single; I’m undomesticated; I’m “poverty vegetarian.” I mean, I’m sitting here at two-bloody-thirty in the morning, snacking on green salad! I’ve never seen a piece of meat that big outside of those decorative and charming Christmas displays of skinned sheep’s head. Had I known, I’d have returned it to the freezer unthawed, unseen, untouched. Ignorance, truly, is bliss.

It was a four-pound, Grade A dilemma.

Thinking, perhaps, that steaks looked like that when they huddled together in the freezer for warmth, I blithely plopped the meatastic mass into a bowl and put it on a shelf in the fridge, as I remember from my distant, wholesome Ontarian past that you’re supposed to do when you thaw meat. I took it out this morning to take a look at it.

Pot roast.James Barber

What the hell do you do with pot roast, people???? I have no Joy of Cooking here to instruct me in the esoteric ways of the oven. I have no Urban Peasant, leaning benevolently over my shoulder and croaking, “Browning, the secret it is.”

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only remaining hope.

Does anyone out there know how to cook pot roast?

Quiz Fun: Ancient Kansans

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Here is the old Grade 7 exam from Salina, Kansas, in 1895. If you failed it the first time, they let you take it again in Grade 8, which was nice of them. And that, basically, was the extent of education at the time.

KansansWhat’s really interesting about this, besides the fact that hardly anybody could pass it nowadays, is how different our terms of reference are. Check out Arithmetic question 5, ferinstance. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton. Well, back in the day they charged fractional rates for fractional amounts. Now, we live in an age where one second over the hour means you pay for a whole hour’s parking; one ounce over a ton, and you pay for a whole ton. I wonder how long it took the world to become so efficiently marginalized.

I note also that even then kids were not being taught about the War of 1812. One rises above the opportunity to take a cheap shot. No, one doesn’t.

They’re going to need all of those 11 armed battleships, and they are still going to lose, just like last time.

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7-10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts. per bu, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $.20 per inch?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10.Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, and 1865?

Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret ‘u’.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final ‘e’. Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences, Cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10.Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of N.A.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10.Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.

The top of the test states > “EXAMINATION GRADUATION QUESTIONS OF SALINE COUNTY, KANSAS
April 13, 1895 J.W. Armstrong, County Superintendent.Examinations at Salina, New Cambria, Gypsum City, Assaria, Falun, Bavaria, and District No. 74 (in Glendale Twp.)”

According to the Smoky Valley Genealogy Society, Salina, Kansas “this test is the original eighth-grade final exam for 1895 from Salina, KS. An interesting note is the fact that the county students taking this test were allowed to take the test in the 7th grade, and if they did not pass the test at that time, they were allowed to re-take it again in the 8th grade.”

Bienvenue, and better luck this time?

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As someone once said, the fin is coming early this siècle. Or do they just do this every 200 or so years automatically?

For the first time since 1817, U.S. Coast Guard vessels on the Great Lakes are being outfitted with weapons – machine-guns capable of firing 600 bullets a minute. The Rush-Bagot Treaty of 1817 allowed each country to station four vessels, each equipped with an 18-pound cannon, to safeguard the Great Lakes. A spokesman for the U.S. Coast Guard, Petty Officer William Colclough, said they will be stored below decks on the coast guard’s 11 Great Lakes cutters and will be mounted only when needed.

They really do need help in those schools. Eleven, four, different. But who’s counting? How long till they pull a Grenada in Wasaga Beach?

“Certainly the Great Lakes [have] not had any military vessels stationed on [them] since – gosh, really since the advent of that treaty.”

1812