Category Archives: Culture

Why I Hate Mother’s Day

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Batman on Mother's Day

via TheDailyWhat

Amen to that, My Favorite Comic Book Hero, and don’t forget all the “heartwarming” forwarded emails with dancing bunny gifs. I always feel like responding with, “Your email was so moving, it made me cry. And remember the few years my mother and I had together before SHE WAS CRUELLY AND PAINFULLY TAKEN FROM HER CHILDREN.”

The only plus side to Mother’s Day is the perfume deals, which I managed to miss entirely this year, having spent mother’s day either in the hospital getting checked out or at home asleep. Mind you, the view was not half bad at the hospital, thanks to all the weekend rugby warriors in with sprains, etc. The one with his face split open from a kick was particularly handsome…

Okay, so I have unusual tastes. Sue me.

Adventures into Darkness, horror stories

Image via Wikipedia

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Cthulhu wants you to stay in school

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Sense and Sensibility and SeaMonsters and Regency Period Tentacle Porn

And just why does Cthulhu want you to stay in school? So you can read awesome books like Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. Promotional book video below (yes, books come with videos nowadays, I guess so they can still appeal to the illiterates out there who can’t watch tv without moving their lips):

To say I was skeptical of the merits of this tome would be to understate the case to a positively perjorrific extent, and when I picked it up at the bookstore what actually ended up selling it wasn’t the book; it wasn’t even the premise, although with me anything with tentacles is a pretty safe bet.

It was the po-faced study questions in the back. I wish I had it handy, so I could type out the best bits, but here’s my absolute favorite:

10. Is Monsieur Pierre a symbol for something? Name three other well-known works of Western literature that feature orangutan valets. Are those characters also slain by pirates?

I always HATE the part in the comedy of manners when the ourangutan valet is slain by pirates. I mean, you know it’s coming, right? But what can you do about it, right? Nothing; amirite?

He also wants you to stay in school so that once it’s finished (oh, doesn’t everyone have a book they’re working on, destined to be put aside and picked up as the eons pass and never, ever finished?) you can read His autobiography, as told to Neil Gaiman.

I never knew my parents.

My father was consumed by my mother as soon as he had fertilized her and she, in her turn, was eaten by myself at my birth. That is my first memory, as it happens. Squirming my way out of my mother, the gamy taste of her still in my tentacles.

Don’t look so shocked, Whateley. I find you humans just as revolting.

Which reminds me, did they remember to feed the shoggoth? I thought I heard it gibbering.

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Pull the other one: ORBIS Pull for Sight

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As god is my witness, I thought airplanes could fly. Next Saturday, we’ll learn otherwise, as Vancouver International Airport hosts an old-skool plane pull-off for charity.
plane pull Pictures, Images and Photos
The charity is Orbis, and they’re all about the airplanes since they have one of their own:

The ORBIS Flying Eye Hospital circles the globe to train eye care professionals and treat underserved patients in developing countries. Here are the Flying Eye Hospital destinations for 2010, as well as previous years’ destinations.
Niamey, Niger
Kaduna, Nigeria
Kampala, Uganda
Dalian, China
Chengdu, China
Phnom Penh, Cambodia
Jakarta, Indonesia
Surabaya, Indonesia
Da Nang, Vietnam

I know some of the people who’ll be pulling next weekend: each team commits to raising a minimum of $1000 for the charity. Interested? Get 19 of your friends together, raise some money, and show up Saturday to pull a full-size FedEx plane 12 feet. The winning team is the one who pulls it the fastest (magnets in your shorts might seem like a good idea, but would probably result in an involuntary de-pantsing).

Here are the key deets:

When, Where and What Time is the Plane Pull?
The ORBIS Pull for Sight 2010 will be held in Vancouver, British Columbia. There is ample free parking on the FedEx Apron grounds. The event area opens at 10:00am with the actual pulls occurring between 10:30am and 12:30 pm. The event will take place rain or shine.

Date: Saturday, May 15, 2010
Time: 10:00 a.m. to 1:30 p.m.
Location: Vancouver International Airport – FedEx Apron
Address: 3151 Aylmer Road, Richmond, BC V7B 1L5

How much is it?
There is NO registration fee. Each team MUST raise a minimum $1,000. All donations are entitled to a tax receipt. (E.g. For a team of 20 members, each member only has to raise $50!)

Why participate?
All money raised through the ORBIS Pull for Sight 2010 will go towards supporting ORBIS’s Kids Sight program that will benefit blind and visually impaired children throughout the developing world.

Here is the pledge form! And may the best team win!

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I am still hungover, so here is an antique dancing pig movie

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via filledwithchocolatepudding

Enjoy?if you can. Watch to the very end to be completely freaked the fuck right out. I mean, a lecherous pig dancing with a flirtatious maiden is one thing; an expressive lecherous pig who dances with a flirtatious maiden is quite another.

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The C-bomb

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The official Terry Fox memorial statue at Thun...
Image via Wikipedia

And so…have I been telling you everything? No, I have not. I have not been telling 3000 readers a day everything or even most things, other than squid things, and I am relatively certain that I’ve managed to meet The Sister’s levels of reticence with my own, or even raise her a few.

So.

So, for the last three months, I’ve been dealing with this… cancer thing. Which is a thing I had before, back in 1996, but I beat that bitch. Sadly, at the time I thought I’d get:

  1. skinny
  2. that fabulous Terry Fox hair

out of the deal, and that just never happened. I gained 30 lbs and instead of spaghetti hair I got linguine hair. Big. Fucking. Whoop.

Anyhoodle, as a Southerner of my acquaintance says…

For the last three months I’ve been dealing with a nasty on-off kinda-sorta set of symptoms which could or could not add up to the Big C.

Now, those of you who’ve known me since 1996, which is a relatively small number compared to the total truckstop strangers who’ve whizzed by en route to BoingBoing, may not be aware, but I have had a cancer scare before, only that one was justified.

I had Stage 3B Hodgkin’s Disease, which in addition to sounding hopelessly old-fashioned,  meant that I had an approximately 60% chance of living five years past diagnosis, a fact which I managed to keep from my sister from then right up until… about… now, actually.

Anyway, Live I Did.

But I did not live by being passive. Nor do I so to this day. And I forget where I was going with that, but that is neither here nor there, nor is it either here or there.

Nor does it matter, because this evening I have had two Raven Cream Ales, two Tanqueray Dirty Martinis, and three Jack Daniels and thus cannot recall such minutia.

And you know what? Not only have they 0verserved me, but they’ve overserved me right. Because today I spent from 11 am to 4:30pm at the BC Cancer Clinic, getting checked out for cancer of the boobage, which it appears at last that I do not have.  And by 11:45 am I knew what it was, and that it wasn’t cancer.

AND  TODAY I FUCKING DESERVE TO GET OVERSERVED!

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