A state of rigor mortis, from the looks of things. Here, from the Onion and by way of David’s American Legends sports blog, is an unforgettable, moving image of a great stallion, cut down in his prime and lying in state.
“Barbaro was a great horse, but an even better person,” said Cheryl McElroy, still visibly shaken after filing past Barbaro‘s coffin and placing a single red rose upon it. “He taught us how to triumph over adversity and how to persevere in the face of overwhelming odds. He showed us that anyone could win the Kentucky Derby if they just believed in themselves—even you or I. And he proved that people can lead perfectly normal, productive lives after breaking their long pastern bone and being diagnosed with laminitis of the left hoof.”
During the ceremony, the usually festive Churchill Downs was eerily quiet, with the only sounds in the building coming from the low rumble of muffled drums, the clacking of horses’ hooves, and a dirge-like rendition of “My Old Kentucky Home” played in a minor key by the University of Louisville marching band. As they laid his casket on the bier, Elton John performed a special version of “Candle In The Wind” rewritten to describe Barbaro‘s tragically short life.
To all you nasty H8erz: the man has a penis 35 feet long, the FCC is too in love with him to take issue with his blatant display of self-love right there in the halftime show, he’s had more hit records than you’ve had burritos, he successfully stuck it to the record conglomerates in a brilliantly subversive and artistic way, and he’s had every woman he ever wanted (three of them got pregnant just from his sidelong glances!). Also, he’s been known to do a set or two at piddly little clubs in places like, say, Vancouver, just for shits and giggles without even taking a piece of the five dollar (Canadian) cover.
No need for the teams to come back out. The game is over. It was a very entertaining first half, but Prince is just gonna hold it down for the next couple hours. It’s all good.
You scored as Parade Prince. You are the Parade Prince.
You know that you are funny and make everyone around you feel better.
You’re funny and smart and witty.