Category Archives: Historical

god. hates. shrimp.

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god also hates sea monkeys, as do all parents 

No, seriously. You can look it up: god hates shrimp.

In yet another aberrational moment, I am using a link someone posted in the comments section here, instead of something I stole mine own self off Gawker or Fark, as is the usual procedure ’round these parts.

It’s because I’m out of coffee; that would account for almost any aberrational behaviour on my part. I haven’t gone coffeeless in a number of decades, ever since the disastrous Inka experiment of ’86.

I’m assuming the link-dropper is also out of coffee, or perhaps in that blogger’s case herbal tea, as they requested specifically that I delete the comment they had just made.

And here I thought I was self-sabotaging!

Perhaps they fear the wrath of Cthulhu! In any case, here is the go-to site for all you shrimp-hating gods. I am interested to note that it informs me of a recently-overturned ban on shrimp-eating in Massachusetts and San Francisco. It appears that Christian fundamentalists there are now going to have to brave the risks of accidental apostology when consuming the jambalaya.

Play it safe, people: order the calamari!

We call upon all Christians to join the crusade against Long John Silver’s and Red Lobster. Yea, even Popeye’s shall be cleansed. The name of Bubba shall be anathema. We must stop the unbelievers from destroying the sanctity of our restaurants.

Giant Nautilus Squid, somewhat angry

the ideal tyranny

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“The ideal tyranny is that which is ignorantly self-administered by its victims. The most perfect slaves are, therefore, those which blissfully and unawaredly enslave themselves.”

—attributed to Dresden James

This is from the Project for the Old American Century, and it beautifully articulates the situation in the United States now, including its most important aspect: the fundamental rights that have been traded for not even so much as a handful of magic beans.

A caricature of a man who has wrought havoc in virtually every endeavor throughout his miserable existence has found his calling. Exuding false bravado and contrived machismo, he has swaggered his way into the deepest recesses of America’s collective psyche, fulfilling the inculcated need for a “manly” patriarch. Chest thumping, bullying, and ultimately unleashing the Hell of the Pentagon’s death machine upon those brazen enough to resist conversion to the American Way, King George IV has succeeded the tyrant American Revolutionaries toppled over 200 years ago.

The rest is here, and well worth reading.

101 most influential imaginary friends

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my imaginary friend can beat up your imaginary friend. No, really he can.Having read this USA Today list (which I came to via Fark) I must say it’s pretty solid, even though they leave off, through an entirely understandable wish not to be firebombed, the names of a lot of imaginary religious characters. One correction, however, seems absolutely neccessary:

Big Brother is no longer imaginary.

1. The Marlboro ManBush doublespeak

2. Big Brother

3. King Arthur

4. Santa Claus (St. Nick)

5. Hamlet

6. Dr. Frankenstein’s Monster

7. Siegfried

8. Sherlock Holmes

9. Romeo and Juliet

10. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Read the rest of the list here. But know that they will be watching you…

Big Brother

pushed tin pushes back

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you call that control?

Fabulous cast, horrible movie, fabulous anecdotes.

Airtraffic controllers versus pilots, via Fark. A sample:

Allegedly the German air controllers at
Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-
tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only
expect one to know one’s gate parking location,
but how to get there without any assistance
from them. So it was with some amusement
that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control
and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird
206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206
clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway
and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where
you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking
up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
“Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944,
but it was dark,…… and I didn’t land.”

celebrating Black Friday the 13th: festive foods

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seriously. 

crying kittyI remember when Kurt left.

I remember when Graydon left.

I remember when Tina left.

The Tatler, that is. After that I didn’t pay too much attention.

I will always remember Black Friday the 13th, the day Jessica left.

so it's not a keyboard. It's as close as I could get, okay? Lay the fuck off!

But for those of you who don’t want to remember, there are these.

seriously, that is one sad pussy, dude

Came across a link to this yesterday on BoingBoing (or, god, was it Gawker? Can’t remember. How mortifying; oh well, they’re both right handy in the blogroll over there, help yourself) and didn’t have a use for it then, but now it seems only too perfect. Print these out and take them grocery shopping this weekend, because you’re going to need them come Monday and your first Jessica-free edition of Gawker.

WTF? Seriously dude, WTF?

The Ambien Cookbook, from the New Yorker.

The sleeping pill Ambien seems to unlock a primitive desire to eat in some patients, according to emerging medical case studies that describe how the drug’s users sometimes sleepwalk into their kitchens, claw through their refrigerators like animals and consume calories ranging into the thousands.
—The Times.

kitten overdose. Obviously another fan

Sorpresa con Queso
Ingredients:
7 bags Cheetos-brand cheese snacks
17 to 19 glasses tap water
5 mg. Ambien
Place Cheetos bags in cupboard.

Take Ambien, fall asleep.

Wait 2-3 hours, then sleepwalk to kitchen, tear cupboard doors off hinges in search of Cheetos.

Find Cheetos, eat contents of all 7 bags.

Fall back asleep on kitchen floor.

When awakened by early-morning sunlight, get up and say, “What the—?”

Wipe orange Cheetos dust from fingers, face, and hair.

Drink 17 to 19 glasses of water from kitchen tap.

Return to bed

a very sad kitty

Icebox Mélange
Ingredients:
Entire contents of refrigerator
1 Diet Snapple
5 mg. Ambien
Take Ambien, fall asleep.

Wait 2-3 hours, then sleepwalk to kitchen.

Devour everything in refrigerator (including all fancy mustards and jellies, iffy takeout leftovers, and plastic dial from thermostat).

Belch loud enough to wake wife or girlfriend. When she enters kitchen, bellow, “Can’t you see I’m working here?”

Fall asleep on kitchen floor.

After 4-5 more hours, wake up on subway, fully dressed from the waist up, drinking a Diet Snapple.

beerkittyand so on…

That should adequately prevent your dying of malnutrition while in a pharmaceutical-induced blackout.

And always remember, beer has simply tons of calories!

Ladies and gentlemen, a moment of silence, please, while we stand and give Jessica Coen our traditional Canuckistan departure salute, with appropriate ruffles and flourishes:

Canuckistan seal pup salute