The Definitive Act of the Twenty-First Century

For Realz.

And that is: notquoting Tionna Smalls.” Although that’s a close runner-up. No; no indeed, the definitive act of the Twenty-First Century is, naturally, something that first surfaced on YouTube. Because you, the reader, are so finely attuned to nuance and Zeitgeist and other foreign-sounding words, you are reading it here before it registers on the consciousness of the tastemakers at Gawker Media, the Times, or CBC. Ahead of the curve, in front of the pack, on the top of the heap, and (perhaps?) good for loaning me twenty bucks till the end of the month?

Yes, that is the raincoaster blog devotee!

And just for you we present the following video, another Brian Atene monologue, but this one may be somewhat familiar in parts, if you’ve survived high school English. I had all of the great “To be or not to be” speech memorized by the time I was ten because it was on the cover of my best friend’s mother’s cookie tin and it would always take her ten or fifteen minutes to talk her mom into letting us get at the Peek Freans, so I had plenty of time to go over the lines. I used to recite them to her poodle when I was pet-sitting, just to discombobulate it.

It was a nasty little dog, and I’m a bitch. What can I say?

So here it is, the video containing the plan for the definitive act of the twenty-first century. And what might that act be, you wonder? Well, I’ll tell you. But I’ll tell you over the jump, because I’m like that.

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Headline Wars

This round so totally goes to Canada. Why? Well, let’s see…what did the widely respected Guardian have as a front-page headline two days ago?

Queen’s Grandson to Marry in Castle.

Like, duh. You think he’s going to do it in a graveyard at midnight, a Vegas Chapel of Luv, or some unpronounceable South American bureaucrat’s office? No; he’s Peter Fucking Phillips and he is going to goddam well get married at Windsor Castle and we DO NOT NEED A NEWSPAPER to tell us that.

The story, strangely, appears to be offline now. Perhaps they came to their senses, or perhaps I’m not the first to have remarked on the remarkable stupidity of that headline.

And what, you may ask, is this world-beating entry from the Socialist Republic of Canuckistan? Just this:

He’s Eating My Brain! I Can Feel It!

Naturally, it takes more than a grizzly bear attack in which he gnaws on your brain to keep a Canadian down; the fellow actually picked himself up after the bear was done with him and drove himself 25 kilometres to a gas station, where they called for help.

His hands were so swollen and bloody, he could barely get his keys out of his pocket, said Case, an experienced outdoorsman.

“I knew that if I didn’t drive and have the fortitude to control things, I was going to die.”

Case then drove 25 agonizing kilometres to the closest town to seek help. He finally reached a gas station and asked the attendant to call for an ambulance.

“I think my brains are hanging out,” he said. “I don’t know what’s happening here, but I’m alive. I started wiggling my fingers and toes…”

“I said [to the doctors], ‘There’s nothing hanging out that you’re not telling me?’ They said, ‘No, you’re OK'”

“They started using the peroxide and, ‘Ooh,’ I said, ‘that hurt more than the bear!'”

Badassery. We haz it.

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Head Shop Opens

Body Bakery; mouth-watering for a certain clientele

Who did the business plan for this one, Jeffrey Dahmer?

“Of course, people were shocked and thought that I was mad when they saw the works. But once they knew the idea behind it, they understood and became interested in the work itself, instead of thinking that I am crazy.”

Thai artist Kittiwat Unarrom has a bakery in Ratchaburi, Thailand, where he sells these lovingly-made, home-baked loaves of bread. The ShapeAndColour blog has some video of him at work, plus more mouth-watering shots of the finished product. I don’t know how expensive these things are, but I’m already wondering if he takes requests. Just the thing for a party, don’t you think? You could really surprise the guest of honour (with, say, an ex? Hilarity, especially if you invite Claus von Bulow).

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Quiz: are you disturbingly profound or just profoundly disturbing?

Guess which I am!!!


You Are Profoundly Disturbing


You’re weird, freaky, and maybe even a little psycho.

You aren’t just attracted to darkness – you thrive in it.

Your interests are downright creepy, and you may even lack normal human empathy.

While there’s no harm in enjoying the macabre, remember to keep your vilest thoughts to yourself!

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The Cowl of Cthulhu

The Great Octopus Potato Wars

And in the end times, when the stars align and the Earth is cleared off for the return of the Great Old Ones, with what shall the armies of Great Cthulhu be protected against the rage of Nodens and his fearsome allys, the Elder Gods?

With these:

The Cowl of Cthulhu

The soft underbelly of the Cowl of Cthulhu

And when we have won the battle and wish to slake our thirst for the blood of the vanquished, we shall serve it in this lovely teapot, also from the unofficial Benvenuto Cellini of the Great Old Ones, Miel-Margarita Paredes.

The Teapot of Cthulhu

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