10 uses for a microwave oven

Microwave Cooking...rumaki, pigs in curiously pale blankets, even how to do your turkey...ALBINO!Well you wouldn’t want to put your food in it; that would be hilariously retro! You might as well serve rumaki and Betty Crocker’s Bean and Frank Fiesta Casserole. If you do, give me a call: I love that shit.

In any case, here, straight from the Guardian, your quality source for breaking news and the last home of real free-range journalism, the heir to all our hopes and dreams and foggy memories of Cronkite and Murrow comes a list of ten useful but non-foodie things to do with your microwave.

Throw it out” is not on the list.

Sponge, yo. Apparently, the British like to eat it!And by the way, before trying the sponge trick, do make sure the sponge is soaked in water and contains no metal bits. Since the story broke quite a number of people have managed to set sponges on fire, which is a neat trick if you’re a ten year old in the backyard and not so neat if you’re a fortysomething neurasthenic housewife in your $20,000 custom kitchen.

To the list!

Environmental engineers at the University of Florida report in a new study that zapping damp sponges and dishcloths for two minutes on full power in a microwave kills more than 99% of harmful bacteria. We asked the experts at the Good Housekeeping Institute to come up with 10 further novel uses for your oven.

1 Get more juice out of lemons and limes, by softening them on high for 15-20 seconds…

4 Dye up to 225g of material. Wearing rubber gloves, stir a packet of Dylon natural fabric dye with 200ml cold water in a bowl, add 400ml more water and immerse the fabric. Put the bowl inside a plastic bag in the microwave on high for four minutes. Remove, tip away the dye, and rinse the fabric in cold water. Wash in hot water, then dry away from direct heat or sunlight…

6 Melt wax for removing leg hair, on 80% power for 10 seconds, assuming it’s a full pot. Beware: it doesn’t need to boil!

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quiz: which French stereotype are you?

Zees queez fhrom Jhoovaynal, eet ees ab-seurd! Aye aym newt a hway-teur!
I AM THE SNOOTY WAITER! Which French Stereotype Are You?
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Rav Jousting: Knights on cars vid o’ the day

There are no words for this…it makes insanity look like accountancy.

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hey, what’re you doing to my house? pic o’ the day

Get away from my house, dude. And while you're at it, get off my lawn!

Dood, do you have any idea how long it took me to collect all those? Rifle stocks don’t grow on trees, ya know! And what’s with all the hunchbacks carrying pitchforks? I thought I told you people to get off my lawn!

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fart-proof panties

Fartypants, yoAlso excellent for birth control, as anyone who sees that you wear these horrific remedial incontinent-Grandma pants will cut (out) like the wind.

The Under-Ease pants have an in-built multi-layered, replaceable filter made of felt, charcoal and fibreglass wool.

Having recently returned from the Valley of the Shadow of Conservatism, I must take a moment to note for posterity that, no matter what the level of fine or otherwise dining one may be enjoying there, the main course is always accompanied by a hearty serving of boiled, frozen broccoli and cauliflower. Always. I believe this to be a subtle yet effective adaptation to the climate; a clever way of ensuring that Ontarians do not freeze in their sleep, as their beds will be cosily heated for hours from the pre-heated gaseous emissions resulting from the breakdown of said side-dish cruciferousness. Cruciferocity. Whatever; it’s nothing to do with Catholicism. There is obviously no market for these pants in Ontario, regardless of the religious demographics.

I’m wondering if, after a certain point of flatulence and resultant inflatuation while wearing these pants, one achieves the ability to fly, Hindenburg-style? I can just see currently-sexagenarian Richard Branson snarfing down some quick Taco Bell and attempting to set a new record for underwear-powered flight. And, of course, if this method of transportation catches on it could revolutionize the car and aerospace industries as well as meaningfully reduce global warming and cause the entire tax system to be re-evaluated. I forsee a boom in the legume and dried turkish apricot markets very soon.

Buy low, sell high.
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