Category Archives: Literary

Rose Bowl: 200 stormtroopers on parade

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a face even a mother couldn't love

And when Darth Vader himself is leading and George Fucking Lucas himself is watching, you’d better believe these amateurs took it very, very seriously.

This year is the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, and to celebrate it a group of fans called the 501st Legion: Vader’s Fist wanted to participate in the annual Rose Bowl parade in their homemade Imperial stormtrooper costumes. Normally, George Lucas is, frankly, a bit of an asshole when it comes to “copyright abuse” and all that, but in this case something got to him (perhaps he has a dog named Max?) and he softened up, allowing them to perform unimpeded, and even helped some of them with their airfare.

After presenting George Lucas with a Stormtrooper helmet autographed by 200 parade-attending 501st members and a personalized 501st Legion letterman jacket, the troops performed a quick series marching routines for Grand Marshal Lucas at the Pasadena training grounds. Satisfied with the presentation, the team of drill instructors (comprised of the Legion’s own experienced members led by Col. Anthony Toledo) released the troops to enjoy a few short hours of “down time” before launching 2007 in Star Wars style. Not only is the new year the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, but also the 10th anniversary of the 501st Legion. Thank you to all of our friends, family and fans who have given the Legion such wonderful support for the past decade! Happy New Year!

Here is the video of the Star Wars section of the parade, including Lucasfilm‘s two floats (note to overseas readers: all the float decorations and colouring in the Rose Bowl parade are made from the petals of real flowers. In a sense, it’s the most biodegradable and ecofriendly parade there is!) featuring boogeying ewoks and the Queen of Naboo, wherever the hell Naboo is. Like you saw the last three films either. Alas, no Chewie.

No, there was no Jar Jar Binks.

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weirdness roundup: also-rans

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weird al mona lisaHere’s a brief taste of weirdnesses I cruised or missed which didn’t make it into the ol’ raincoaster blog, for one reason or another. If it’s Santa-related or Squid-related, you can assume the reason it didn’t get into the blog has to do with the fact that I copied it to the hard drive at home before the cable went out and haven’t been back to get it. Otherwise, it’s the kinda thing where I looked at it and said Nah, we’ve had too many Darth Vader Sticks Up a Drive Through stories recently, and I just skipped it.

He-Man Sings Four Non-Blondes. The reason I didn’t post this is simply that I figured everyone on Earth had seen it, but I found out today that’s not true. So here it is. Break out the rainbow legwarmers and glow sticks and put on your dancin’ shoes!

An Aussie roundup of world-wide weirdness, all of which escaped the blog except the Brazillian who blowed himself up.

I’d a used this one if I’d seen it in time:

In Cologne, a plastic surgeon cheated out of payment by two women using fake names gave “wanted” pictures of their enlarged breasts to police.

I’ll BET they were wanted!

Rich people getting ripped off on luxury items. You see these from time to time and every time I think: This is news? This is justice, baby!

The best of Dear Prudence. I’ve read it. There IS no best. Dear Prudence, please shut the fuck up.

Predictions, particularly by people who were wrong in the past, and who start their prediction stories by listing instances of them screwing up last year. What hurts most when I read these is realizing he was paid just as much for “I was wrong when I said Britney and K-Fed would have a girl” as “And today the the weird eyeSudan was invaded by Ethiopia…”

Public opinion polls, particularly contradictory ones. If I wanted to know what the common people thought, I’d go to the bloody beer store and I’d ask them.

Praise be to Fark, which is a year-round source of insanity upon which I have come to rely. And some day I’ll even figure out how to register there. Maybe.

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sex lives of the Great Old Ones

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Saturday Night Undead!

Seriously, if this is how they choose to do it with one another, is it any wonder that gods generally prefer to do it to humans? At least they can’t fight back!

Forget Zeus and all that bestiality schtick, and never mind that eggnog is the ectoplasmic emanation that really got the Virgin Mary pregnant. This is what happens when they go at it one-on-one, hidden by the numinous dark in the depths of the sea. Cthulhu ain’t no Valentino, that’s for sure.

“The male giant squid has to use a puny 15-gram brain to coordinate 150 kilograms of weight, 10 metres of length and a 1.5-metre-long penis,” he says. “He physically plunges this penis into the female’s arms, which are rather unfortunately right next to her beak. Because he is coordinating so much with so little, I think occasionally bits get chewed off when they inadvertently get too close to the beak.”

Oh, but you know he likes it rough! Still, an excellent lesson in how NOT to ask for oral sex. Guys, are you taking notes? I really don’t want to have to go through this again. Which reminds me, what is Bill Clinton doing these days?

Oh! My virgin eye! (Psst, wanna t-shirt of this? Click on it!)

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two songs, one title: Hold On

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Inspired by the interesting contrast of Jesus Jones‘ and Van Halen‘s songs both called Right Now, I’m posting these: two songs, both called Hold On, both optimistic and arguably existential in different ways, and both outstanding examples of their genre.

In this corner, Wilson Phillips, girl band extraordinaire:


I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Dont ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?
Chorus:
Some day somebody’s gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Dont you know?
Dont you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things’ll go your way
Hold on for one more day
You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You’ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin’ your worries pass you by
Don’t you think its worth your time
To change your mind?
(chorus)
I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains
Some day somebodys gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don’t you know?
Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on
Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Wont you tell me now
Hold on for one more day cause
It’s gonna go your way
Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can’t you change it this time
Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on

 

And in this corner, Tom Waits, the bard of the Black Rider himself:

They hung a sign up in out town
if you live it up, you won’t live it down
So, she left monte rio, son
Just like a bullet leaves a gun
With charcoal eyes and monroe hips
She went and took that california trip
Well, the moon was gold, her
Hair like wind
She said dont look back just
Come on jim
(chorus)
Oh you got to
Hold on, hold on
You got to hold on
Take my hand, I’m standing right here
You gotta hold on
Well, he gave her a dimestore watch
And a ring made from a spoon
Everyone is looking for someone to blame
But you share my bed, you share my name
Well, go ahead and call the cops
You dont meet nice girls in coffee shops
She said baby, I still love you
Sometimes theres nothin left to do
Oh you got to
Hold on, hold on
You got to hold on
Take my hand, I’m standing right here,
you got to just hold on.
Well, God bless your crooked little heart st. louis got the best of me
I miss your broken-china voice
How I wish you were still here with me
Well, you build it up, you wreck it down
You burn your mansion to the ground
When theres nothing left to keep you here, when
Youre falling behind in this
Big blue world
Oh you go to
Hold on, hold on
You got to hold on
Take my hand, I’m standing right here
You got to hold on
Down by the riverside motel,
Its 10 below and falling
By a 99 cent store she closed her eyes
And started swaying
But its so hard to dance that way
When its cold and theres no music
Well your old hometown is so far away
But, inside your head theres a record
Thats playing, a song called
Hold on, hold on
You really got to hold on
Take my hand, I’m standing right here
And just hold on.

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Ali Eteraz on Saddam Hussein

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Step one accomplished...now for the branding...

Eteraz is a genius, but it’s not hard to see why some of us are a tad bit worried for him; the Muslim comic strip wasn’t really very funny, but it was really very dangerous. That was nothing, however, to today’s post about the execution of Saddam Hussein.

 

How To Slaughter A Beast At Eid ul Adha

By Ali Eteraz
Posted on Sat Dec 30, 2006 at 02:08:21 PM EST

The first step in slaughtering an animal at Eid ul Adha is to establish to the animal that you are the man and he the beast, with you being firmly in charge.

The second step in slaughtering an animal at Eid ul Adha is to capture the beast. Often the animal can be found grazing upon various desert shrubs. He can be baited by way of grass, water, or sometimes, doritos…

Read the rest here.

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