Operation Global Media Domination: Politics Day

TIAToday, as you may have noticed, was Politics Day at the ol' raincoaster blog. And, surprisingly, I find that the only thing which out-pulls sex and/or curling (curling porn was a top search, btw) is politics. Glad I found something that did. Getting a wee bit tired of the eedjuts coming to this blog via searches for "Mango Porn."

I am indeed a famewhore of the highest order (the lower orders have to sit on the unshaded side of the temple and stick to beige robes) but even I am not gonna be rooting for more dead Canadian soldiers or pissy, self-serving and moronic Tory policies from the remarkably lifelike Stephen Harper or the remarkably simian George W. Bush. Although I do admit a peculiar fondness for the video of that funny little Chaplin impersonator and that funny Turko-American writer fellow.

Trailer Trash: Leni Riefenstahl’s Triumph of the Will

The soundtrack, though: isn't that American? It makes so much sense now…

Best of Wikipedia: Index of movies by type of grisly death scene

A sample from the glorious, necrofabulous whole:Dr. Phibes Rises Again...or at least part of him does

Death from a fall into a molten substance

Death by fluid extraction

  • The Abominable Dr. Phibes, in which Vincent Price's insane physician dispatches a victim by hypnotizing him, then draining his blood, pint by pint.
  • Dr. Giggles, the Doc puts a sucking tube with blades down a patient's mouth filling a bowl with blood, etc.
  • Exorcist III, in which a patient in the hospital has all his blood drained into Dixie cups lined up neatly next to his bed.
  • Halloween II, Michael Myers puts an arm pump around a patients arm in a hospital and cuts a tiny hole under the pump. Later, victims running from Michael enter the room and a man slips on the blood from the drained and lifeless.
  • Hot Shots!, wherein a blood donor is sucked out dry during a blood extraction.
  • Interview with the Vampire, in which various minor characters have their blood drained by vampires.
  • Killer Klowns from Outer Space, in which various characters have bodily fluids sucked out by sippy straws.
  • Starship Troopers, in which a character has his brains sucked out by a "Brain Bug"
  • Tank Girl, wherein characters have all water from their body extracted.
  • War of the Worlds (2005 version), in which captured humans have blood drained from their bodies so as to grow the red weed.
  • Tuxedo, wherein Peter Stormare's character tests his bioweapon on an underling. This deadly bacteria completely dehydrates the man within seconds, leaving him a brittle and dried-out corpse.

Awesome! This should save precious hours once wasted haggling over which godawful Charlie Sheen sci-fi to watch. The one with the exploding skulls, or the one with the blender scene? How much more efficient computers have made us, and what marvelous levels of achievement we are able to attain with the time thus gifted to us. Like getting really good at PS2.

PSA: How to Become a Teen Heartthrob

Teen Idol. How dreamy!A rather crushed (and 100% off-the-boat Chinese) friend of mine complains that the Vancouver Miss Chinatown competition has been won, the last ten consecutive years, by bananas who are half-Canuck, half-Chinese. She, an unsuccessful Miss Chinatown contestant herself, ascribes the blame to racist judges who prefer round-eyes.

But an ex of mine tells me that the real Chinese word for Whitey actually means "Big Nose." Which doesn't really parse with Miss Chinatown. Which has now been renamed "Teen Idol" for obviously racist reasons. Justin Timberlake is doubtless a strong write-in candidate.

Here, in a post for the ages, are the actual laws for becoming a teen idol, according to the photo editor of Tiger Beat. A sample of this immortal wisdom follows:

You need to have shaggy hair: From Leif Garrett to Jesse McCartney and Zac Efron (the heartthrob du jour) — teen girls love long, tousled, bed head looking shaggy haircuts. Girls imagine running their fingers through it. There really are not many teen heartthrobs out today who do not have a shaggy do.

You gotta have an interesting name: There are two kinds of names that teen heartthrobs have right now. They either have a really different name like Orlando Bloom or Zac Efron or Dylan and Cole (the Sprouse twins). If you have a boring simple name, then end it with "i" — James should be Jamie, Bob should be Bobby.

No girlfriend, but it is important to have celebrity friends: Our reader believes that one day she will meet you and will make you fall in love with her. If you have a girlfriend or a wife that illusion is completely killed. And you have to be open to dating a fan. That will keep the hope alive and make you more desirable. At the same time it is important to have as many celebrity platonic friends as possible and to be seen on the red carpet at charity events and to go to theme parks. Our reader loves to see her favorite heartthrob riding on rides with all the celebs she likes, but he's not attached. He's still open to be her boyfriend.

Leif Garrett, we hardly knew ye.

Narnia Rap Battle: The Roundup

You’ve read the books, you’ve seen the movie, Narnia Lucy and Tumnusyou’ve heard the stories. You’re probably still hoping, somewhere in your heart of hearts, that Susan is saving herself for you.

But you have no fucking idea about the Narnia Rap Battle.

Behold:

See, once upon a time about three months ago

SNL started something. SNL! Yeah, I know!

But this thing, it went viral; all the kids were emailing.

It was outta control, yeah this thing was just wailing!

Narnia Lion the Witch and the WardrobeNBC drones found out, shut it down like a flash.

Way too late: got on YouTube, we all started to thrash.

There was LA, and Muncie, two young dudes from Chi-town.

Ain’t no point, NBC, in this “Hey, shut ’em down!”

Now Cambridge steps up; Oxford isn’t around.

C.S. Lewis, poor dead guy, spinning down in the ground.

It’s a Narnia rap, what we all want to play.

Don’t get all literal: allegory? No way.

Take a Narnia word, take a Narnia sound,

Give it harsh attitude, then you kick it around,

And that’s all it takes, just a matter of class

and if that’s not enough I’ll kick you in the ass.

Tea, motherfuckerfucker! Tea, motherfucker!

Narnia Kids Train Station

The original, Lazy Sunday, as interpreted legally and protected by Right to Satirize legislation by two eleven-year-old Chicagoans:

The West Coast response, Lazy Monday:

The Midwestern entry, Lazy Muncie. Can’t beat a dance at the Elk’s Lodge:

And finally, the UK Narnia Rap. I dunno what’s up with Oxford, but Cambridge stole a march on them, and on their home turf at that! How mortifying!