worst date ever

from the Archive. This won me a nice little book prize from Two Dollar Radio, which is frankly the only glory this Vancouverite has ever gotten out of the Manhattan literary establishment, aside from the glories of Gawker commenter status.

Bad dateI should have known it was going to be a long night when he asked me if I minded going out “after rush hour, when the bus fare goes down.”

He was tall. He was handsome. He was fit. He was educated, intelligent, in law school.

He was in love with Rebecca.

How do I know this? He told me. At length.

In the restaurant, he insisted on ordering a particular dessert wine with the main course. Bewildered, I wondered if it was some new foodie fad. No, he said, it was because it was called “Sweet Rebecca,” and that was his ex-girlfriend’s name.

She dropped him. She was cruel, and sweet, and had hair like golden silk, or so I was informed. When not explaining how perfect she had been, he spent many a long, silent moment staring into the glass and murmuring “Sweet Rebecca.”

At one point he pulled out a ten-dollar bill and showed me the family resemblance to John A. MacDonald, to which I could only reply, “Yes, one of Canada’s truly great alcoholics.” It was a little too late to impress me by then. And he’d drunk most of the wine, although I could have used a Martini or four, myself.

On the way home, he borrowed bus fare; I never intended to see him again, however decorative he may have been, but at a dollar seventy-five to get rid of him it was a steal. On the long, no, endless ride home, he had one more golden memory for me. Halfway home, he slowly removed his ski gloves and proceeded, methodically, to pick his nose.

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abnormal service shall resume shortly

We’ve been experiencing some technical difficulties around the ol’ raincoaster blog over the past couple of days, and besides, I’ve been holed up with my secret crush. Abnormal service will resume shortly, and in the meantime did you know that you can vote once per day in the Best of Blogs?

*hint, hint*

Operation Global Media Domination: all I want is you…and you’re looking damn fine lately…

Best of Blogs finalist badgeYour humble blog servant – say, have you cut your hair? Something about you looks just so remarkably alive lately, we’ve all been meaning to tell you – begs to draw your attention – seriously, are you working out? You must be doing something right; your skin just glows – to the fact that a dear, dear friend of yours – really, you can bunk with us anytime, we’ll even clear out the Haunted Chamber for you – and a loyal blogreader except if you’re not a blogger in which case we pore over your comments (or silences as the case may be) as if they were morsels of gold from the lips of the Buddha himself, is a finalist in the Best of Blogs competition and humbly petitions for your consideration.

Vote here, pretty please with a cherry and the naked
celebrity/obscurity of your choice on top

You have only till midnight EDT, Friday, April 13,
so don’t delay, vote today!

Have I mentioned that I give marvelous head?

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Operation Global Media Domination: BoingBoingSplat

the crew of the good ship BoingBoing 

I finally get my link. After what, a year of praying and sitting through interminable load times (honestly, the website is mostly space; what could take it so damn long to load? Is it all the felt clogging the tubes of the internets?) and interminable billions of posts about Disney’s bloody Haunted Mansion and godawful felt crafts of the neo-repulsive school, I finally got a link on BoingBoing.

Sing Hallelulia! Let all creation sing,
That raincoaster from obscurity has risen,
Glory to the Boing!
Sound jubilation! Let every bell ring clear,
And joyous peals proclaim the message,
Our pwnage of Technorati is here.

Or not: One hit.

Ou sont les A-List Coattails d’antan?

Perhaps panda poo paper just isn’t popular? I even had to replace all the images because this was during the great Photobucket bandwidth blankout of 2007, not that we’re complaining. That would be so unlike us.

Oh, very well; the detail-oriented and sharp of memory among you will recall that we made it once before. All I can say to that is that the halflife of celebrity is clearly short online. In that case, I submitted the story and so my link was on there from the get-go, even if it wasn’t the go-to link. In this case, I submitted an addendum to a several-hours-old post, from which I conclude that BoingBoing readers read it pretty much in realtime, so if you want the glory and the kingdom, for ever and ever, or even for long enough for Technorati to pick up the link, you need to be the submitter of the link in the first place.

Timeliness: just what has been so difficult around these parts lately. I have learned, over the past two weeks of having a roommate, that I am willing to share space. I am willing to share food. I am willing to share even toothbrushes, okay, no, but almost. Point is: I’m fine with sharing most things. But sharing the internet connection, as in he has it some of the time and I have it some of the time?

No.

When you pair that with the fact that he’s an internationally known raw food chef whom I have allowed for the sake of experiment to put me on a special green smoothie juice fast just to see if there’s really anything in this chlorophyll hokum, and that green smoothie fasts apparently make me homicidally enraged from the moment I awake to the moment I lose consciousness, raining curses down upon the heads of my enemies as I drift off to sleep, and furthermore that I am PMSing at the moment, you’ll see that something had to give, and that it sure as hell wasn’t going to be me. Sic transit gorilla mozilla.

Cthulhu Tract

So the router he got seems to work well. We’ve even got our first pirate leeching off the signal, but as long as I can blog, I care not. Share the wireless luv! Information wants to be free!

Also, so do gastrointestinal systems. If I had any cash I’d hit the brunch buffet at Griffin’s like it’s never been hit before! As it is, I intend to scramble eggs with gorgonzola cheese and wash it down with a latte, then follow that up with pan fries. WITH ketchup and Tabasco. Sic transit gloria chorophyll.

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an hypothesis

An radical hypothesis, in fact.

from the Archive.

Monday, May 02, 2005

It’s a possiblility, that’s all I’m saying. No proof either way, but still, a nagging doubt continues…

What if JD Salinger and Thomas Pynchon were the same person?

Hey, not so fast! Hear me out.

Did anyone ever see the two of them in a room together? Are there any vacation photos of them side-by-side, up to their knees in wholesome Cheasapeake Bay? I don’t think so!

Physical description: an aging man, tall, with big ears. Possibly badly dressed. Hey thanks, that describes everyone up to and including George Herbert Walker Bush, but I don’t think he wrote Gravity’s Rainbow.

Come to think of it, has anyone seen Francis Bacon in a room with…

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