Category Archives: raincoaster

The Shape of Things to Come

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Mylene Farmer could never be called modest

Mylene Farmer could never be called modest, but if YOU looked like that, would YOU be?

Followers of the ol’ raincoastersphere, specifically Manolofood.com, will be aware that I recently did a 48-hour hunger strike, and only cheated once. During this fast, I gained three pounds. I do not recall any victims of waterboarding complaining about weight gain, and most hunger strikers of my acquaintance have been precisely the sort of ectomorphs who should be raising awareness by running across InNeedistan or something instead of indulging in calorie deprivation. When you’re fat, seeing skinny people go on hunger strikes is really under the aegis of the Department of Insult to Injury. As is the gaining of three pounds on a hunger strike.

Okay, okay, when I took off my Thuggie I discovered that I’d actually lost four pounds (and also that Thuggies weigh seven pounds!) but still!

Given that I spent all of last year obsessively tracking my calorie input and output with the LoseIt app and averaged 1100 calories a day and did not lose a single pound, it’s quite clear that if I’m ever to get to my ideal, or even a slightly improved, shape, it’ll take actually breaking a sweat. More than once a month, too.

Speaking if ideal shape…the one in the above photo is pretty much it. Mylene Farmer is older than me, and she still has that figure. This one.

Of course, she has those legs; that helps. Unless my pal Anthony Youn comes up with a clever, painless and cheap leg-lengthening procedure, I will never have legs anywhere near that good, but mine when in shape are not to be sneezed at. Especially if you don’t cover your nose. But hey, I got a start on the look: I bought the lipstick!

The current fashion for bowlegged rickets victims is not one which meets with my approval, in case you were wondering. I’d love to know which photographer we can blame for a generation of starlets who all pose as if they were about to lose bladder control. When in doubt, blame everything on Terry Richardson.

Knock kneed hipster girl

Knock kneed hipster girl

So Mylene’s shape is not achievable for me, which is too bad not only for me but for everyone who has to look at me. My current shape is quite perogy-like, and everybody likes perogies, so that’s something, but it’s not what I want.

This is what I want.

Ginger Spice would be nice

Ginger Spice would be nice

Believe it or not, for me, this is doable. Hell, I already had the hair! This will take, if I keep on schedule (which I will not and let’s be honest about it, you wouldn’t either) about a year. So I’m giving myself two years, because I’m like that with myself and you would be too, if you treasured me the way I do.

And if I looked like that, you would, wouldn’t you?

If Perez Hilton can do it, so can I.

 

UPDATE 2017: Down 50 lbs. I might just make this by early 2018. Today’s a run and weights day.

GPOY: Solution Mapping Edition

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GPOY solution map

GPOY solution map

Among my friends there is a certain consensus of opinion, and they are unified in their belief that this is one of the smartest things I’ve ever said about myself: That, if I weren’t so confident in my ability to cope with crises, I’d put more effort into preventing them. Here we can see that principle expressed in the 21st Century’s highest art form, the Infographic.

Apropos of nothing, I will here list the words that I learned from the internet yesterday. You may find them amusing. Given my problem-solving style, I have no doubt I will find them critically useful at some point in the future.

As the great prophet Phyllis Diller once said, “I don’t merely believe in miracles. I rely on them.”

  • auto-mythocredititis, otherwise known as believing all your own spin [from the Guardian]
  • opuloconfundosapiensis – the tendency to confuse having lots of money with being very clever [same source, and I can hardly wait to incorporate this into an attack on the 1% on a dilapidated cardboard sign for Occupy Vancouver]
  • mon-orchid, meaning having only one testicle. Not exactly sure how I will bring this into a political discussion, but then there is no low to which I will not stoop in the fury of a firefight, so who knows? I may even lay it on Christie Clark. [from a fascinating Fortean Times article on the blue dogs of Texas]

and yes, I do read an eclectic collection of sites recently. I got bored with the usual Gawker/Awl/Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr round and decided to branch out, starting with solid, hard news sites and ending with amusing ones. No idea why I’m so fascinated with portraiture lately, though.

and just as I say that…

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stop poisoning your body with FOOD!

stop poisoning your body with FOOD!

And just as I update you all with my busy, busy life, it all comes to a complete stop, thanks to a bout of food poisoning. This wouldn’t normally be a big deal, as I AM trying to lose weight except:

  1. Thanks to construction on the building, there’s no power in my apartment right now, and it’ll be Monday before the power is back.
  2. Meaning it’s pitch-black in there, and I have no candles, batteries for flashlights, etc, and it’s a long way till payday
  3. The toilet is blocked. Parse that: I have food poisoning and the toilet is blocked.
  4. My plunger moved to the West Side when the neighbor I’d loaned it to moved away.

So, typical for me. I finally get a computer that works like lightning AND a wind stick so I can work at home, and the power goes out so I can only work for an hour off the battery AND I get brutally sick so I can’t go work in cafes.

Typical. See the well-known sociological principle of the Law of Conservation of Catastrophe.

Guess who’s back?

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Teenythulhu Rises!

Teenythulhu Rises!

via Archie

It’s been awhile since we had any spectacular tentacular action here, and I aim to get correcting that ASAP. As soon as I can free myself from the tentacles of Operation Global Media Domination, that is: I’ve taken on the Morning GIF on the DailyDot, plus my other work, including a kickass interview of Christine Assange, Julian’s mother, which should be coming out today sometime; I’m teaching at EatDrinkTweet, a three-day conference in the Okanagan for social media, wine, and food (always an epic good time and great learning too); I have a backlog approximately three years deep of posts for the food blog; and I’m working with ACTUALLY FAMOUS productivity expert Mike Vardy on developing an entire line of learning products for people who aren’t handy to one of our Social Flow workshops. Oh AND thanks to re-reading my friend Alanna‘s book for the third time, I’m now doing some WordPress and social media work for her while she looks for other opportunities for me.

Hence the Blogthings, picture posts, etc. We shall return to our regularly scheduled perving, swearing, politicking, and absurdism anon.

Oscar Wilde is Anonymous

Oscar Wilde is Anonymous

Quiz: what do your hands say about you?

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Yes, in case you can’t tell I’m rather starved for time lately, so here’s a fun and bizarrely-accurate quiz; got it at Az‘s.


Your Hands Say That You Are Logical


You are logical, analytical, and rational. You have good verbal skills.Idealistic and dreamy, you tend toward the impractical. You have a knack for getting yourself in sticky situations.Consistent and reliable, you like to count on structure and routine in your life.

Your emotions tend to be nervous and potent. Your energy – both positive and negative – deeply impacts your life.

Well, what did YOU get?