I had no idea God hated so much. Shrimp. Fags. Figs.

This site has everything a crazed zealot could ask for: a purportedly divinely-dictated screed, vaguely relevant Bible quotations, a list of handy-dandy propaganda (Are You Being Oppressed for Your Intolerance?), a guide to recognizing closet fig-eaters, you name it!

The Evil In Our Midst

How long can we ignore the mountain of evidence that figs are corrupting our culture? We as a society must stand up now to oppose this fruity scourge before we find figs in our classrooms, in our church picnics and even on our television screens! The cultural elite is determined to shove figs down our throat, and we must be equally determined to oppose the figgy tide.

Next time your child leaves the home with a full lunchbox, stop and check for malevolent influences. Satan only needs a few snacktimes to worm his way into your child’s heart.

Still not convinced that figs are the greatest threat to our great Judeo-Christian culture since Amy Grant started putting pornographic messages backwards on her records?

Consider the following:

• Figs are associated with science, which is inherently anti-religion. The most popular fig snack, the one your children are probably eating right now, is named after Sir Isaac Newton, one of the leading figures of the Enlightenment. The Enlightenment, of course, was when all those painters dug up dead bodies so they could draw naked people more accurately. That led to the French Revolution and the fall of Western Civilization. And it’s still going on today!
• The Enlightenment was also when Rene Descartes proved beyond doubt that God existed! They couldn’t have that, of course, so they went and locked him in an oven until he lost all his senses. After that, he just went around babbling about cognitive ergonomics, which is something to do with office furniture for Godless yuppies.
• A simple misprint in the Torah led Jews to avoid eating pork and ham for millenia, when in fact everyone knows God really meant to tell them to avoid eating any part of a fig.
• If that’s not enough, take a look at any science textbook or–God forbid–sex education book. Next to every single one of the perverted diagrams, you’ll see the words “Fig 1, fig 2, fig 3…” That’s because the soldiers of the Evil Army get a fig every time they warp a young and impressionable mind…

Yep, seems pretty clear-cut to me! God does, in fact, hate figs. God is just like me!!!

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