Closer: hawt emosex on the accordion plus a quiz!

Closer. Here boy, here boy! 

Yes, I think if a beer hall band had an orgy with Nine Inch Nails, then in the afterglow they sat down and collaborated on a tune (as they most definitely would, you’d think, eh?) it would definitely sound something along the likes of this.

And so, without further ado, the ol’ raincoaster blog presents Creaking Planks (featuring Rowan Lipkovits on the squeezebox) covering the immortal NIN tune, Closer.

[sorry, for whatever reason Odeo is making you sit through three and a half minutes of silence first, perhaps for Trent Reznor‘s artistic vision?]

  Which Nine Inch Nails Song Are You? (Awesome pictures)  

You’re “Big Man with a Gun”! [ed.note: I AM?] You’re violent, angry, and have a matching lust for blood and pleasure. You want to–well–shoot someone with your fucking gun! [ed.note: I DO? Fuck that: I just want to have them rounded up and kept in compounds away from me, that’s all] But hey, maybe you’re just misunderstood…
Take this quiz!

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chop, chop

chop along the dotted line 

If Hannibal Lecter were an obstetrician, these would be standard maternity wear. As it is, they’re popular among a certain set that never should have entered the gene pool in the first place.

I know waaaaay too many women who are going for cosmetic cesareans with a side of tummy tucks, rationalizing to anyone who gets within arm’s reach that the recovery time is less than a natural birth; actually, no. They just stitch you up and send you home faster. It’s major abdominal surgery, and you’ll need that trapeze in the bedroom for getting out of bed rather than any of the activities for the sake of which you went through with an elective invasive procedure. And in case you’re wondering: he’ll still cheat on you anyway. Glad to be of service!

Stolen from Gawker, who had their own, for once somewhat less pointed words to say about it.

Actually, you know, I’d love to see Fat Bastard in one of these.

Babby! The OTHER other white meat!

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HR Pufnstuf: the untold story

HR Pufnstuf

When we’re young, so many mysterious, adult things enter our lives and we, oblivious in our innocence, never recognize them for what they truly are.

Thank God.

Then, one day Jackie Paper decides he has better things to do and turns his back on the world of childhood, perhaps forever. He turns the key in the lock and opens the door to adulthood.

Welcome to the machine, kid.

From the (disad-)vantage point of the grown up world, things look a little different. As there’s a subtle yet crucial difference in perspective from a grassy knoll to, say, a Book Depository window, so too adulthood’s viewpoint casts a different light and different shadows on old, familiar scenes.

Like the psychadelic magic mushroom land of HR Pufnstuf.

Pufnstuf was based upon the acid-induced dreams of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, who claimed to have had the drug injected into him by his arch-nemesis, Antonio Salieri. During his hallucinogen-induced trip, Mozart completed all of his most widely-acclaimed works, including The Magic Flute, an opera about a magic flute.

Cooke took the concept of the magic flute and placed it loosely into the hands of a swinging, happy-go-lucky teenager named “Jack…”

The BBC recently announced plans to produce a new “reality” television series based on H.R. Pufnstuf, entitled H.R. Pufnstuff Idol. In the new show, contestants will be set afloat on a foam-rubber island ruled by the foam-rubber dragon. One team will try and protect a magic flute, while the other team tries to steal it. The team that fails to execute “Jimmy” will lose the immunity challenge, and it must select the weakest link who gets “Witchy Poo’d” upon.

The winner of each episode will win a position on the Dancing on Ice judging panel, a new washer and dryer, and all the Marmite they can eat. The second place winner wins a date with classic British beauty gone horribly bad, Jayne Torvill.

It will be a ratings monster.

No, I’m not sorry I said it.

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don’t ask, don’t tell, don’t unpack

SailorsIt seems the US military is running short of personnel…something to do with the fact that they’re running out of people who are okay with the idea of being shot at for no particularly good reason or something. But, frankly, we never thought they’d get this desperate.

Sure, they’re sending soldiers with psychoses and traumatic stress disorder back into the front lines (hey, what’s the worst that could happen?). Sure, they’ve revoked the right of discharged or retired personnel to actually refuse to be re-deployed any time up until and/or including death. They’ve sorta kinda quietly starting redeploying people, even Reservists, up to four or five times. Sure, they’ve been caught on tape lying to would-be recruits about their chances of being sent to Iraq. They’ve been caught on camera coaching recruits how to fill in the answers in selection tests. And yeah, they’re even recruiting in malls full of white people now.

But no-one thought it would come to this.

They’re calling in teh gays.

From the Stars and Stripes:

Under the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, he was quickly discharged from the service.

But now — whether through a clerical oversight or what some claim is an unwritten change in policy to keep more gay servicemembers in the ranks at a time of war — Jason Knight is back on active duty.

Since promoted to petty officer second class, Knight is finishing a scheduled one-year tour in Kuwait with Naval Customs Battalion Bravo. And, already kicked out of the Navy once, he sees no need to hide his sexual orientation.

“I thought it was a joke at first,” he said, remembering the day he received his recall orders. “It was the ultimate kick in the ass. But then I thought, there isn’t much they can do to me they haven’t done the first time.”

It was comments by Marine Gen. Peter Pace, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, that spurred Knight to come out publicly a second time. In defending the military’s policy, Pace called homosexual acts immoral and contrary to military values.

“Though I respect [Pace] as a leader, it made me so mad,” Knight said.

“I spent four years in the Navy, buried fallen servicemembers as part of the Ceremonial Guard, served as a Hebrew Linguist in Navy Intelligence, and received awards for exemplary service,” he wrote in a letter to Stripes. “However, because I was gay, the Navy discharged me and recouped my 13k sign-on bonus. Nine months later, the Navy recalled me to active duty. Did I accept despite everything that happened? Of course I did, and I would do it again. Because I love the Navy and I love my country. And despite Pace’s opinion, my shipmates support me.”

Dear god, what a sailor! If they’d hire a few more of those and let them finish their terms without discharging them, they’da won this bloody thing by now.

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I’m a lousy lover

or at least Vancouver poet/accordionist/comedian Rowan Lipkovits is. Here he is at the Roxy, a barn-like nightclub for people under 25 looking to get A) shitfaced and B) laid. Watch and enjoy as he testifies to the fact that he is not exactly in their target demographic. The songs are Al Mader‘s I’m a Lousy Lover and Lipkovits‘ own elderly-tomcat theme, Cougar Man. UPDATE: Rowan reports that Cougar Man is a product of the genius of Peter Guindon, aka Bob Uker (as in ukulele-player), aka The Minoans.

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