Category Archives: Singles

PSA: How to Survive a Cougar Attack

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How to survive a cougar attack

I have no idea where that image came from, but it’s an invaluable warning. Click here for a more detailed version. Not all cultures are familiar with the terminology “cougar” but I assure you that you know the type. Think Joan Collins as fortysomething divorcee, only without the fame, career, or money. Think leopard-print halter top over pressed jeans. Think expensive bag and shoes, fruity, mild-tasting cocktails with a nonetheless lethal kick, eg Cosmos. Really old cougars drink rum & diet coke, and would drink it straight from the bottle if it came like that.

The natural habitat of the cougar is the bar rail, just before closing time, and they can often be found at Dicks on Dicks, the Roxy, and anywhere with an Eighties night, where they will try not to show they know the words to every song.

While Vancouver is a known cougar-friendly habitat, South Oregonians are taking the situation into their own hands.

Sally Mackler, wildlife chairwoman for the Oregon Chapter of the Sierra Club, said she’s sympathetic to residents who’ve had run-ins with cougars, but rural residents have to learn to deal with the risks.

“It’s a UFO, Elvis-sighting kind of thing,” she said. “Cougars haven’t killed or attacked anyone locally.”

Yet.

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Why don’t I ever get any fan letters?

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Well, I get a fair few from people who want me to check out their websites for All Best Ambien Viagra Love Pillz. But I certainly don't get any like this one. From ElleGirl, of all places, via Gawker. Apparently, while the envelope is on the letterhead of a hospital (let me guess what kind of wards they have…) the return address is an Alaskan homeless shelter called the Glory Hole.

Of course it is. Isn't this where Don Simpson came from?

Letter to Ellegirl

Snot or not?

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Courtesy of Defamer. Yes, the pic is a link.

Snot or Not?

Blog post o’ the day

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Courtesy of the Heather —-s Blog . May contrain traces of soy products, gluten, nuts and editing:

It’s not you, it’s me. I’m just not the same person as when I started —–ing you. I have loved the time we spent together. Your —– is strong yet soft. You are lithe and attractive. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s just that I am in a different place now.

No, it’s not only that I’ve been spending time with Bjerk, and I truly wish that you’d stop saying “that B-Jerk.” I’m fairly certain it’s pronounced like Bjork but with an “erk.”

I spend time with Bjerk because I don’t want to hang around the house all the time anymore – I’ve been enjoying getting out and I can’t take you anywhere these days, what with your being in pieces and your ends all hanging out. When we were spending all that time at home in front of the TV, that was one thing. But I want to be free to move around!

I’ve worked hard on this relationship, and I’m not giving up now. You know that I’m committed: We’ve been through thick and thin, unraveling, bumps, twists, and 190 dang b—–s! But something has to change. You can’t accuse me of cheating just because I swatched Bjerk when I should have been working on your shoulders, or every time I —- a couple of —- with Bjerk in my hands. Yes, Bjerk is beautiful…

But so are you, in a different way. Neither of you is better or worse. I love your b—–s, Bjerk doesn’t have any of those. And you have such a lovely —– (no, I did NOT say d—p!). Just because Bjerk is slightly more youthful and elastic doesn’t mean anything.

OK, you’re right, maybe I don’t know how to handle your edgy ——-, but I’m willing to learn! I can improve, I know I can! Once we work through that, I’ll be able to take you with me everywhere.

It’s just that. Well. You’re right. I probably will never be able to be completely exclusive.

Just set me free and I will come back to you. Stop with the guilt trips. Wait patiently and the novelty of Bjerk will wear off (at about 2 3/4 inches, when Bjerk tells me to use — ———, and I say no because I don’t have any on me).

PSA: International No Pants Day this Friday, May 5!

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Pants Free and Chil-ly! 

In the current Round 'em Up Hold the Kids Hostage & Deport the Greasy Foreign Bastards climate, it's natural to assume a somewhat reduced turnout for Cinco de Mayo throughout North America. So, what to do this Friday if you just gotta get your celebratin' and commemoratin' on?

International No Pants Day has the answer!

No Pants Day!

  • No Pants Day is this Friday, May the 5th
  • No Pants Day is a day where everyone, be they students, respectable businessmen, or cherished community leaders, leave their pants behind. Usually this means wearing thick, appropriately modest boxer shorts, but bloomers, slips, briefs, and boxer-briefs all work as well.
  • Shirts from SpreadShirt.com can be had here.
  • High quality flyers and raw images can be had here.
  • If you take pictures, upload them to Flickr with the tag 'nopantsday'. If you don't have a flickr account, send them to pics AT nopantsday.com
  • The celebration in Austin will be a part of the Austin Improv Collective's improv shows at the Hideout on Friday. The Hideout is located at 617 Congress Ave. Shows are at 8, 10, and 11:30pm.
  • The celebration in Atlanta, GA will be a pantsless pub meeting (possibly pub crawl?) starting at Trackside in Decatur, Ga, next to Agnes Scott College. Also, people sans pants on bikes will be given extra kudos and will make things easier going from pub to pub with many folks. Meet at Trackside around 9-ish pm
  • Anyone wanting more information should contact us at INFO AT NOPANTSDAY.COM.
  • Check out our myspace account for bulletins at http://myspace.com/nopantsday.
  • Pictures from last year's celebrations across the world can be temporarily seen here.

No Pants Day IconAnd here's our FAQ:

  1. What in the world is No Pants Day?
    No Pants Day is a day where everyone, be they students, respectable businessmen, or cherished community leaders, leave their pants behind. Usually this means wearing thick, appropriately modest boxer shorts, but bloomers, slips, briefs, and boxer-briefs all work as well.
  2. That's it?
    Yeah, that's it. But from the core idea comes so much more. When large groups of people parade around in public without their pants, amazing things are bound to happen. At the very least, you'll take your drab, wretched life a little less seriously, at least for one day.
  3. When is it?
    No Pants Day is always on the first Friday of May, which this year is May the 5th, 2006.
  4. So I can wear a skirt instead? or "Hey, no problem, I was gonna wear a dress anyways!"
    You're very clever, but you're missing the point. Articles of clothing like skirts, shorts, kilts, and dresses don't count, because people are encouraged to revel in the absence of pants, and not replace pants with other clothing. The point is to relax and enjoy the humor inherent in people not wearing pants. A good rule of thumb is to pretend like you were going to wear pants, and then just fail to put them on.
  5. I know of or am hosting a No Pants Day event. Can I get it listed here?
    YES. Please send an e-mail right away to info@nopantsday.com, and we'll post a news item detailing your event. The same is true for anyone hosting their own No Pants Day website.
  6. I want to record a No Pants Day song! Can I?
    Of course, and we'll be glad to host it here and give out all your relevent contact information. Also, we'll eventually be making a No Pants Day audio CD, so your work could be on that, too. Again, send e-mail to info@nopantsday.com
  7. How long has this been going on?
    No one knows for sure how long No Pants Day has been celebrated… some reports place it as early as '85/'86, but for all we know it started long before then. We've been actively promoting No Pants Day for 5 years now, ourselves. If anyone has any concrete evidence or tales of earlier celebrations, please let us know at info@nopantsday.com.
  8. Is this a joke?
    In the same way that all of life is a joke, yes. But no. We're not trying to scam anyone, or satirize anything. We're simply advocating a fun-filled holiday, and the more people who participate the more fun it is.
  9. Did you know that in Britain "pants" International No Pants Day Observationmeans underwear? Shouldn't it be No Trousers Day instead?
    Hmmm.. this holiday could be extremely interesting in Britain, then. But seriously, No Pants Day just sounds catchier, doesn't it? And besides, this gives British people something to mention when you bring up the holiday around them. They laugh and say, "In Britain, 'pants' means…." etc, etc, and they feel good for being the center of attention. So bully for them!

Simpsons In De No Pants Day