worst date ever

from the Archive. This won me a nice little book prize from Two Dollar Radio, which is frankly the only glory this Vancouverite has ever gotten out of the Manhattan literary establishment, aside from the glories of Gawker commenter status.

Bad dateI should have known it was going to be a long night when he asked me if I minded going out “after rush hour, when the bus fare goes down.”

He was tall. He was handsome. He was fit. He was educated, intelligent, in law school.

He was in love with Rebecca.

How do I know this? He told me. At length.

In the restaurant, he insisted on ordering a particular dessert wine with the main course. Bewildered, I wondered if it was some new foodie fad. No, he said, it was because it was called “Sweet Rebecca,” and that was his ex-girlfriend’s name.

She dropped him. She was cruel, and sweet, and had hair like golden silk, or so I was informed. When not explaining how perfect she had been, he spent many a long, silent moment staring into the glass and murmuring “Sweet Rebecca.”

At one point he pulled out a ten-dollar bill and showed me the family resemblance to John A. MacDonald, to which I could only reply, “Yes, one of Canada’s truly great alcoholics.” It was a little too late to impress me by then. And he’d drunk most of the wine, although I could have used a Martini or four, myself.

On the way home, he borrowed bus fare; I never intended to see him again, however decorative he may have been, but at a dollar seventy-five to get rid of him it was a steal. On the long, no, endless ride home, he had one more golden memory for me. Halfway home, he slowly removed his ski gloves and proceeded, methodically, to pick his nose.

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So much for the sexy professor type…

Hmmm. Vin Diesel, eh? I’d always thought of myself as more the type to favour George Stephanopoulos or Alan Rickman, but neither of them were an option. Could we split the difference and give me Viggo in Darkly Noon? or David Wenham in 300?

Loan? Pretty please?

Stolen from EatMyFuckingStillettos.

 

Tough guy
You scored 65% masculine, 76% athletic, 18% exotic, and 31% refined!
You love men, you love testosterone and you know it. You like a bad-ass man who knows what he wants. He isn’t what you might bring home to mom but I don’t think it really matters – he’s hot! Someone like…..Vin Diesel. But let’s face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

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You scored higher than 99% on masculine
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You scored higher than 99% on athletic
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You scored higher than 99% on exotic
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You scored higher than 99% on refined

Link: The What type of MAN turns you on Test written by thinkandcome on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

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the secret to Sparta’s success

Pride, baby, Pride (in the name of love)! via Defamer.

At first I thought so straight
I was horrified
Kept thinking I could never love
that way, or flaunt my Pride
But I spent so many fights
thinking how Persia done us wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to get it on
You got my back
You share my space
I just woke up to find you dead
and Persians all over the place
I should have killed that damn Xerxes
I would have had him on his knees
If I had thought for just one second
he’d be robbing me of thee!

Gloria Gaynor lyrics over the hjump.

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Alanis Morissette’s Humps

The searingly emo, devastatingly ironic, Alanis Morissette version of the Black Eyed Peas’ mindless tune “My Humps.” They really nailed the look and sound, didn’t they? Via Gawker, lyrics over the jump.

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quiz: what the hell is wrong with your ex

Here’s one everyone can identify with! I love that it puts the answers only in the form of pathologies because of course dumping or failing to please jewels such as us is indeed pathological.


Your Ex is Histrionic


Your ex is hot and cold – a total drama queen or king.Your ex can’t survive without tons of dramatics, attention, and approval.
People with histrionic personality disorder are inappropriately seductive, prone to rapid mood swings, and rash decision makers.

Sound at all familiar?

What’s Wrong With Your Ex?

Hmmmm, now I’m not so sure…inappropriately seductive, prone to rapid mood swings, and rash decision makers, eh? But I’m not seeing where the negatives are here…(also, there’s no place to say what attracted you to your ex was the way he looked mid-Marathon, skimming across the ground in those shorts; the shallow are always pushed to the margins, except in W and PerezHilton.com!).