Category Archives: Singles

do the math

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Daily Total: 

1 stir fry serving
1 brown rice serving
4 iced tea servings

1 Kirin serving
3 Plymouth gin & tonic servings
with lime, so that counts as three fruit servings, right?

1 well gin & tonic, with lime
1 Bombay Sapphire & tonic, which the lesbian bartender bought for me because the dress I borrowed from Nina gave the impression there was a Playboy bunny hiding under this mild-mannered librarian type. She also bought Nina‘s drink, which I was paying for, but by that time I was too wasted to do the math. I thought there were a lot of loonies there…more than usual on the DowntownEastSide, I mean.

All the lesbians assumed I was the butch one of the trio, because I was the one with the glasses: Alicia is a Kiev-trained ballerina and Nina is an Indian dancer, among their many other talents and accomplishments, so as they got their groove on every dyke in the place became incredibly jealous of me. I wasn’t about to tell them we were straight; hello, I was getting free drinks! Hey, I was drunk, but I was not crazy!

I must remember to use Nina as my stylist more often.

dance like a monkey

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by the New York Dolls. Via BoingBoing.

check into the Paris Hilton

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Who don’t luv a good, dirty pun, eh?

Operation Global Media Domination: award-winning roundup

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Miss Congeniality, or Miss Conception?

I’d like to thank all the little people…before they turn on me.

Also the Generator Blog, from whence I stole this Web-award generator. Hey, no sense in waiting for the grass to grow, eh? I thought I’d give all those web-awarders a helping hand. That’s right; raincoaster is always thinking of others. So put your feet up, guys. I’ve gotcha covered.

Meanwhile, in Operation Global Media Domination news, I am happy to report that I have cracked the top 89,000 on Technorati, out of about 45 million blogs, and only since the second-last day of February, when I started the blog. Mother would be so proud. Thanks are particularly due all those Brits who have mistaken me for one of themselves, and a True Patriot at that. Look, I hate Tony Blair as much as any of you, but I also have extremely mixed feelings. It’s…it’s complicated, okay??? Oh yeah, and somebody came to the blog looking for BoJo Porn; try the Times.

The posts most responsible for this rush to the cranial summit of the blogosphere are, of course, Beautiful Agony and 101 Bottles of diet coke, 523 mentos, and 2 mad scientists. Baby Eagles are still big in parts of Cyberia, and some poor, demented dude keeps hitting the blog every damn day looking for Charo porn and finding only a cool, Up With Queers music video. Speaking of gays, Ernest and Bertram went viral for a day or so, landing on a couple of forums across the ocean until the bandwidth got bustickated or whatever it is that happens to bandwidth; short form, E&B viral campaign snipped in the bud, dammit!!!

The latest potentially-viral stars are a couple of YouTubers: Chad Vader, Day Shift Manager, the sad tale of Darth‘s loserish brother’s humdrum life, and Paris Hilton stewing, nearly nekkid, in poop soup. Then there’s the Found Porn Slideshow, always a big hit with the Neanderthals.

The only serious post that’s showing any longevity is From Israel, With Love, the Update which is good as the MSM and much of the blogosphere including BoingBoing seems to have got the story substantially wrong, even after corrections.

So that’s all for this edition of Operation Global Media Domination, other than to say that going offline for a few days actually increased the hits. When I went on vacation, my “take it for granted” number of hits was 300. Now it’s 650.

I should take more vacations.

Today in Crazy US Weekly Guy News: the demon drink

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Crazy US Weekly Guy 

Don’t know if you’ve been following the internet drama over at Gawker, but it’s reached DefCon 3 and is heating up faster than John Hinckley at a Freaky Friday matinee. I referred to Crazy Us Weekly Guy once before, with fervent hopes this wasn’t a short, but would turn out more like the LOTR of the Internet, with Jessica in the part of Arwen and C.U.W.G. as Aragorn. I think Janice Min is Denethor, but it’s hard to tell.

In any case, the whole saga has bypassed Middle Earth entirely, and has quickly washed up on the seamy shores of Trees Lounge. No three hour tour, this. Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

A dainty slice from the 200-page potroast  of a document which he sent Gawker:

in us weekly, issue 5/15/06, on page 38 is an ad for absolut vodka. on the next page (page 39), is jessica alba.

the first message is:

jessica alba sol = jessica alba soulmate.

the second message is in the word vodka. MIT (a school famous for science, which i will explain the significance of later) makes their “u’s” look like “v’s.” because of this, “u” and “v” are interchangeable.

“k” is short for “okay.”

“a” is the 1st letter of the alphabet

therefore, the word vodka, becomes the message:

do, ok?, u 1 =

“i do. you’re the one, okay?”

look at the word ABSOLUT [vodka]:Absolut bullshit, really

Tee is what you hit a golf ball off of, jessica golfs
U = you
ABS = absolute

so the message becomes “you and t (=jessica) absolute soulmates”
the ad for the absolut vodka, is on page 38. this is no accident. this is kind of a joke between me and god, that it is going to take 3.8 seconds for jessica to say yes “i want to marry you.”

this is an aside, i’ve been working on my proposal for a while, and first i had the idea of being married to jessica after several years of dating. then years became months, months became days, then days became hours. then hours became one hour. then i thought to myself “why can’t i make it instantaneously?” god told me then “1 minute.” then one minute became a few seconds, then finally god said “3.8 seconds.” this number comes up frequently, and it refers to winning over a person (in this case jessica, my soulmate) at the speed of light.

the fact that a bottle of vodka is on page 38 (=3.8 seconds) is a clear sign to me, that my affect on jessica alba will be intoxicating – a bottle of vodka!

and now, i’m planning on making it instantaneously, “yes!” even less than 3.8 seconds.

lastly, and this is cute, on the ad for the vodka bottle is the word “proof.” as in god is offering some proof to the world.

And so on…