Be a Movie Producer!

or look just like one…

Oh god, not ANOTHER one!

Oh god, not ANOTHER one!

No, it’s true: this is a plan to enable you to put “movie producer” on your business card, which will come in handy on a Friday at the clubs, if no-where else. Actually, it will count for something with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, who will allow any actual credited producer to purchase a ticket to the Academy Awards, better known as the Oscars.

Come to think of it, I’ve got a friend who’s always wanted to go. Hmmmm…

Allow me to introduce With Glowing Hearts, the motion picture:

So far, so awww, right? Yes, it’s an inspirational documentary, perhaps the least likely to be commercially successful genre of film in filmdom. How can you become a producer of this acclaimed-but-so-far-unreleased soon-to-be-classic? Easy; everybody knows there’s one way to become a producer.

You come up with the money.

In this case, you can come up with amounts as small as a Toonie:

Making a film costs money, and although we’ve done a great job at keeping our costs down there are certain expenses which are unavoidable. That’s why from now, until the middle of August, we’re running our Toonie and Tweet Torch Relay to help get us to the finish line and to get your name in the credits.  Starting with a minimum contribution of $2, “producers” can have their name published in a word cloud that will appear in the film’s credit roll and on this site. Increasing your contribution will increase the size of your name in the cloud.

All money collected will go directly towards costs related to finishing and distributing the film like insurance, music rights, and salaries for the great people who have been working on the film with us.  Just click on the Chip-In widget to the right and follow the instructions to use either your PayPal account or credit card, note that transactions are conducted in US dollars but will be converted to your local currency on your bill.  The name that is associated with your PayPal account is the same that will be used for the credits, if you would like a different name to appear in the credits please indicate that under “special instructions for vendor” on the “Review your payment” page.

Sure, it says mid-August, but if you ask nicely you’ll probably find there’s always room for more money (though perhaps it will need more zeros after the 2). Go on, haven’t you always wanted to be a Hollywood big shot? I hear Clooney is breaking up with his latest bimbette, so if you’re a brunette and you can get him good and drunk at the Vanity Fair afterparty, you’ve probably got a shot.

Operation Global Media Domination: Soundtrack for Losers

Amy Winehouse expresses herself

that door had to be carted away and burnt later, for public safety reasons

Remember that old-timey singer Amy Winehouse, back when she was still alive?

Studio performance of Love is a Losing Game by Amy Winehouse

For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game

While I wish I’d never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand

Self professed… profound
Till the chips were down
…know you’re a gambling man
Love is a losing hand

Though I’d bet on blind
Love is a faith resign
Memories mar my mind
Love is a faith resign

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

You know what else is a losing game? Trying to clean up the code in a popular page you copied bodily from Facebook because you are dutiful and political and committed to freedom of speech and think the world NEEDS an archive of the now-deleted Everybody Draw Mohammad Day page, and furthermore, you are doing it on a beautiful Friday Saturday (I have lost track of time GOD HAVE I BEEN HERE THAT LONG???) night while reading the posts and tweets of all my friends who are a block or two away, having a great time NOT editing Facebook code. And further to furthermore, not doing the workout I was supposed to get done four hours ago either, because I am here, madly editing this stupid, extraneous-div-filled code to appease the Google Gods, who have thrown this blog into the Ninth Circle of Google Hell since the start of May. I even pulled my best string, who yanked Matt Cutt‘s personal chain and got nothing better than When I search for ‘raincoaster’ that blog is the first hit, which proves it’s being indexed properly which is bullshit.

Don’t believe me? Here is my stats graph:

I die! I DIE!!!

Is it any wonder I'm so fucking CRANKY?????

Now, having gone through ismyblogworking.com and Quantcast and the W3 Validator, Feed ValidatorGoogle Webmaster Tools and (the much more decipherable) Yahoo Site Explorer, I have found my blog is riddled with a metric snotload of code errors and, since I, myself, don’t write in code unless someone is holding a gun to my head AND there are sharks with frikkin laser beams on their heads circling my desk, I didn’t put there. Right?

Anyhoodle, it appeared to even my inexperienced eye that code that looked like div /div div /div /form div div div div /h5 and so on was somewhat problematic, and so I sat down to eliminate said code, line by painful line. For two point seven five hours I sifted code, exercising my Delete button and my Backspace ruthlessly (have you seen Ruth lately, by the way? I’ve been Ruthless for months now) and when I looked at the sidebar I saw that I had successfully cleansed less than one-tenth of the code.

At that point I ruthlessly (seriously, where IS that bitch?) exercised the Move To Trash key, and I hope Lindsay Lohan is happy with the present I sent her.

Now I’m off to sacrifice a unicorn to the Google Gods.

Om nom nom nom, baby!

Who knew Lady Gaga = Voldemort?

Wish me luck. On the plus side, I think this may be a good omen:

http://twitter.com/#!/GreatDismal/statuses/22416383500

There’s an app for that

marriedtothesea.com

Don’t we all, buddy. Don’t we all. 13,800+ unread messages and counting.

Introducing Nicole Dobernig: there’s a reason it’s called TWITter!

Just another typical midnight online. Another typical midnight when Nicole Dobernig, someone I’d clashed with weeks ago over spamming me appears out of the blue from yet another of her accounts (even her parrot’s account was attacking me the last time, but she did eventually realize it was a bad idea to use one of her clientsprofessional accounts to wage a flamewar, and deleted the tweets) and, of course, starts berating me. Because there’s nothing good on tv, I guess.

After challenging me to a “Rumble in Gastown” at the Heather and tossing off “fattyfatfat” insults like a cornered schoolyard bully, she did something truly unforgiveable:

She bored me.

I’m sorry, but there is just so much watered-down Eckhart Tolle and “I am an enlieteneded person of kindnesss” crapola a person can take. Surely the UN has some sort of law against this Torture By Oprah-ism? Click over the jump to see what it looks like when a small brain snaps under the weight of hostility and New Ageism. As always, read from the bottom up to get the full chronological effect:

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what did you do today, raincoaster?

i hate facebook

What did I do today? You mean besides become enraged by Facebook? I spent the better part of an hour first trying to get it to accept an ad without churning, churning, churning, churning, finally had the brilliant idea to disable Adblocker, which was successful at getting it to finish churning, whereupon I moved on to the second step where I put in all the details about who I wanted the ad to be shown to (don’t worry, it wasn’t you; you’re smart enough to use Adblocker, like me, right?) and how much I wanted to pay and goddamn if it didn’t really, REALLY want me to pay in British Pounds and use Dawson, Yukon time.

I think Facebook must be secretly controlled by Richard Branson from an underground lair he has in Dawson, Yukon.

So! So I get through that part, I get through even the pricing part. There’s a part where you can set limits on how much you want to spend in a given day, and a place where you can say how many days you want the ad to run. Now, I figure you multiply the how much by the number and you get the total maximum cost for the campaign, right? Oh no, how could that be right? We’re talking about Facebook!

So you can pay via Visa, Mastercard, or Paypal. Yay, I have Paypal. So I click Pay By Paypal.

And it asks me for a credit card.Going round and round and round and round: the Facebook customer service experience

Sure, you can pay by Paypal. But not if you have to. It’s rather like the retail banking system, where anybody can get a loan as long as they can prove they don’t need it. What’s particularly annoying is, thanks to a couple of good months I actually have enough in my Paypal to pay for the whole campaign, even if it cost the maximum every damn day. I could pay for it right now, and they could just refund me the money it didn’t end up costing me. But will they? Nooooooo…

Anyway, Facebook sucks, which I’m sure is not news to you savvy readers.

What else did I do today? I’ve been astonishingly productive, and it’s obviously not ME, but some alchemical magic reaction between the Diet Coke and pasta salad left over from my birthday party along with the Evening Primrose that I’ve been trying to remember to take.

I did this:

Posted:

I also listed Blogging for Writers online workshop on (yes) the dreaded Facebook, so if you know any English-language based people who are interested in learning how to blog and use social media while improving their writing skills, pass the link along to them.

Made some aesthetic decisions about my new site at Making My Life which is a network of various social media platforms including audio, video, and blogging. I’ll be moving raincoastermedia over there and focusing more on my social media teaching and less on all the hyperlocal blogging that I’ve been doing such a bad job of.

Had to put out several fires, only one of which was mine. If anyone finds their life boring and staid, I have quite a collection of second and third-hand social media drama that you can take off my hands for free any time. Also, apparently an email went out saying my course on Social Media for Nonprofits was going to be fantastic (great, so far so terrific!) but alas, it also went on to say that there were several free places available. Guess what? Nobody wants to pay. The free spaces in my courses aren’t supposed to be for agencies on the Downtown Eastside, they’re for clients of the agencies: you know, poor people. I think I negotiated a compromise everybody can live with, but god help me, I didn’t get into this to give stuff away to the middle class. Also, BOB is charging me full price for the room anyway, so one free seat just evaporated so we can give the money to Shirley. All of which prompted the post outlining the social media scholarship policy. There, it’s in black and white!

Posted everything relevant from raincoaster media to the SMCYVR Facebook page and to the raincoaster media page itself. Sigh. At least THAT worked okay.

Deleted all the outdated emails from the Shebeen Club mailing list. Attempted to buy a Facebook ad for the Shebeen Club meeting but, crunching, crunching, crunching…gave up.

Promised this woman who messaged me on FB (it’s FB day, I swear; the CanadianPolice on Twitter just pinged me to complain how crazy things are lately, so it’s not just me or Vancouver, it’s everywhere) I’d read her MJ post (she was polite YAY and said she’d read mine, so reading hers was the least I could do, and she’s right about that) but OMG it’s a big one and I’m not sure I’ll get it all done today.

Bitched on Facebook about not being able to buy an ad on Facebook and promptly got two emails offering help. Problem appears to be solved, but I’m too sleepy to finish the job tonight and besides, the bank’s not open yet, it’s not even 7am.

Oh yes, sent three pitch letters to editors today. Sure, it’s spec work and probably free, but it’s ink and paper AND it’s tremendous profile-building. It’s nice to be able to put “President of SMCYVR” on an email. Which reminds me to put it in my signature too.

Tuned up the professional profile on raincoastermedia: what do you think?

What did I not get done? A podcast. Sometime between now and 7pm I’ve got to record and upload a podcast. It was an assignment I gave everyone last week in the Blogging for Writers online course, and the least I can do is try it myself! Wish me luck!

Will in all likelihood go for a walk/jog now, provided I can find my Zune, which is the only portable timekeeping device I have that still has a working battery.

Then: I will have a Martini and collapse. Yes, gin is not in the diet. But it’s very good for collapsing with. With which to collapse. Whatever.

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