The Nameless, Named!

effigia okeefeCower in fear, for the end of the world is nigh: the unnameable has been named!

Behold, mortals, the nameless dweller in the accurst city named “The Nameless City.”

Well, actually he’s from New Mexico.

And from Columbia University:

Two Columbia scientists have discovered the fossil of a toothless crocodile relative that looks like a six-foot-long, two-legged dinosaur, but is actually a distant cousin of today’s alligators and crocodiles. Adjunct professor of earth and environmental sciences Mark Norell and his graduate student Sterling Nesbitt, both of whom also work as paleontologists at the American Museum of Natural History, have named the fossil Effigia okeeffeae.

Effigia means “ghost,” referring to the decades that the fossil remained hidden from science [and also the fact that it was found on the Ghost Ranch Dig; like, synchronicity, dude]. The species name, okeeffeae, honors the artist Georgia O’Keeffe, who lived near the site in northern New Mexico where the fossil was found.

According to Wikipedia, the fossil was discovered back in 1947-1948 by Edwin H. Colbert, but was lying unclassified in the basement of the American Museum of Natural History when Norell and Nesbitt were looking for something else and the one of them went, “I say, that’s odd. Never seen anything like it. What do you say, old chap?” or something like that, and the other fellow said,

That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons death may die.

I should have known that the Arabs other department heads had good reason for shunning the nameless city fossil, the city fossil told of in strange tales but seen by no living man, yet I defied them and went into the untrodden desert basement with my camel grad student. I alone have seen it, and that is why no other face bears such hideous lines of fear as mine; why no other man shivers so horribly when the night wind air conditioning rattles the windows specimen cases. When I came upon it in the ghastly stillness of unending sleep it looked at me, chilly from the rays of a cold moon the fluorescents amidst the desert’s New York’s heat. And as I returned its look I forgot my triumph at finding it, and stopped still with my camel grad student to wait for the dawn.

Or words to that effect.

(nb Cthulhu references get the squid tag. Makes total sense, right? Aw, shut up)

Colossal Octopus: i shit thee not

Colossal OctopusWell, what does that look like to you?

To me, it looks both colosoid and octopudlian. You might be different, I dunno. We all have to live our own truths, even if it involves sleeping in a tinfoil-lined Chevy Impala on somebody’s back forty. Didn’t know you could get wireless inet out here, but it’s right handy.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Colossal Octopus. Tako Grande. Venti. Whatever.

So here, from the Unmuseum, is the story of the St. Augustine Colossal Squid Landing. Gather ’round the campfire/manifold intake, children, and listen well…

The Highlights:

The portion of the creature that remained, the body minus the arms, was eighteen feet in length and ten feet wide. Parts of tentacles, unattached to the body, stretched as long as 36 feet with a diameter of 10 inches. Dr. Webb estimated weight at four or five tons.

Colossal Octopus

Strangely enough, despite the importance of the find, neither Dr. Verrill, nor any other scientist, traveled to St. Augustine to view the carcass in person.

Webb finally sent Verrill a sample of the tissue of the creature preserved in formalin. Verrill was surprised to find it had the appearance of blubber and abruptly changed his mind stating that he now believed the creature was a whale and that the arms were not associated with the body.

The whole matter would have rested like that if it hadn’t been for Forrest Wood, the director of Marine Studios (later Marineland) in Florida. Wood came across an old news story about the monster and discovered that Webb’s sample was still stored at the Smithsonian Institution.

Wood persuaded the Smithsonian to let Dr. Joseph Gennaro, of the University of Florida, to take some of the samples for analysis. Gennaro immediately recognized that the material was not blubber and examination under a microscope showed the tissue was more similar to octopus than whale or squid. Further tests later confirmed this conclusion.Colossal Octopus and Guy

Honestly, look at that monster!

Is it any wonder that my greatest fear is snorkling?

When you have your period, it’s called “chumming.”

Today in Squid News: Squid Tech

squidooI’m not actually sure what Squidoo does, but they get in here just for the name. If you can figure out how lenses differ from tags, let me know. Also, if you figure out how there is money to be made here, also let me know. The comments button is right down there, just past the Australian Giant Squidwreck.

Squidwreck

Operation Global Media Domination: Porn Coaster????

TIAA big, friendly welcome to the three people who’ve reached this blog through searching for the term “Porn Coaster.” Maybe not as friendly as they were expecting, but still.

porn coaster 3
starbucks fatman 1
Pakistani funny web sites 1
cocaine corner 1

So I guess all those posts about Kantian Deontology just fell by the wayside, eh? And what about the Squidfans, dammit? I really put out for you people! Oh, fine, have your calamari and eat your Kiwa Hirsuta too. Coke, Republicans, fat people at Starbucks (try Vancouver, Washington; I know whereof I speak), and laff riots from earthquake-devastated, tinderbox countries. Now, I’m a cynic, but you people worry even me.

Today in Furry Albino Lobster News

Some enterprising, web-savvy hand-sewing type (yes, apparently they exist, although they are rarer than kiwa hirsuta) has created a pattern to sew your own cuddly stuffed Kiwa Hirsuta. Apparently, the whole world is focused on the appetizer course-enhancing qualities of the incredibly rare and scientifically fascinating creature; first it was described as “the size of a salad plate,” and now, this new creation has stripped the gloves off (although presumably donned the bib) and actually called itselfTasty.”

Kira Hirsuta toy

Inspired by the recently reported kiwa hirsuta lobster, I designed a plush toy. Although she’s not anatomically correct in every detail, I think she is an identifiable member of this new species.

For anyone interested in sewing one of their own, I’ve developed a pattern with instructions and released it under a Creative Commons license. I don’t recommend this project for people averse to hand-sewing or turning things inside out—there’s plenty of both involved. But it’s all simple sewing and assembly if you understand the basics of seaming and stuffing.

And, presumably, roasting and grilling.