Category Archives: tasteless

Merry Fucking Christmas

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merry fucking Christmas

I’ve been told (repeatedly) that I’ve been in a bad mood lately, which is something that’ll put you in a bad mood even if you weren’t in one already, which I usually am, so I thought I might as well just fucking go with it. So. Merry Fucking Christmas.

… you boys at FOX still freak out every year about how everyone’s out to get your special trees. This is really the most important thing you have to talk about? Whether Target says Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas? Here’s a brainstorm: there’s a fucking war on. Our soldiers are out there dying while you guys do your 14th live feed of the day from WalMart to show us what good little consumers we are. What Would Jesus Do? He’d jump over that newsdesk and kick your ass for that shit. Are you sure you want to hang your journalism credentials on a story about what some guy calls a tree?

Well we’ve fucking had it. You want to play bullshit games and scream about how God’s fucking judgment is gonna come raining down on us if we don’t start watching our vocabulary? Go right the fuck ahead. But let me clue you in on something: fire and brimstone ain’t no deterrent for us. We’re not going to hell, assholes, we’re fucking in hell. We live with you.

Merry Fucking Christmas, by Denis Leary

Ol’ Saint Nick’s got bourbon breath
It’s so cold you could catch your death
A cop sold me some crystal meth
It’s a Merry Fucking Christmas

Everything’s so Christmassy
The streets are twinkling with frozen pee
My priest just sat on santa’s knee
It’s a Merry Fucking Christmas

All the kids go to bed each night to dream what santa brings ’em (brings ’em)
Unless they’re jewish or muslim or some other gyp religion
Crappy toys flying off the shelves
Midgets dressed up to look like elves
Spread good cheer or burn in hell
It’s a Merry Fucking Christmas

All the kids go to bed each night to dream what santa brings ’em
Unless they’re jewish or muslim or some other gyp religion
Cracklin’ fires to keep me warm
And my collection of asian porn
Cradle my bells and work my horn
It’s a keep on truckin’, last year suckin’, midget chuckin’, slap the puckin’, how much wood could a wood chuck chuckin’, Merry Fucking Christmas

HO HO HO!
Shut up! *slap noise*

Which is not an Arrogant Worms song. The Arrogant Worms did:

  1. Christmas Sucks
  2. Christmas Turkey Blues
  3. Dad Threw Up On Christmas Day
  4. Santa Got Arrested
  5. Things Are Looking Bad For Santa
  6. Vincent The Christmas Virus

Among many others. But not, I repeat, NOT Merry Fucking Christmas, which was done by Denis Leary. Or, for that matter, the War of 1812, which was done by  Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie and which is wonderful, but has nothing whatever to do with Christmas as far as I know. There is, in fact, no shortage of anti-Christmas music, although not quite enough to drown out the pathetic warblings of some long-dead alcoholic on the mall speaker system croaking out yet another twee iteration of  “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree“.

The Charlie Brown Christmas Tree leads to yet another Merry Fucking Christmas

Have Yourself a Merry Fucking Christmas by Mary Nightshade, who’s apparently even grumpier than me :

Have yourself a merry fucking Christmas
Shove it up your ass
Pardon me for a seasoned greeting so crass
Have yourself a merry fucking Christmas
Keep drinking that eggnog
Chased with Jag shots so you’re in a drunken fog
No such thing as “the good old days”
Just get that out of your head
Though it’s better than the future
When we’ll all wish we were dead
Good luck on getting yourself together
That’s IF time allows
I wanted to kill this sacred cow somehow
So have yourself a merry fucking Christmas now

But wait, there’s more!

Merry Fucking Christmas was also done by the bad boys of South Park, who did such a super job on Team America, World Police (fuck yeah!) and here it is:

(apparently South Park has better lawyers than Denis Leary does)

I heard there is no Christmas
In the silly Middle East
No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus
They have different religious beliefs

They believe in Muhammad
And not in our holiday
And so every December
I go to the Middle East and say…

“Hey there Mr. Muslim
Merry fucking Christmas
Put down that book the Koran
And hear some holiday wishes.

In case you haven’t noticed
It’s Jesus’s birthday.
So get off your heathen Muslim ass
and fucking celebrate.

There is no holiday season in India I’ve heard
They don’t hang up their stockings
And that is just absurd!

They’ve never read a Christmas story.
They don’t know what Rudolph is about
And that is why in December
I’ll go to India and shout…

Hey there Mr. Hinduist
Merry fucking Christmas
Drink eggnog and eat some beef
And pass it to the missus.

In case you haven’t noticed
It’s Jesus’s birthday
So get off your heathen Hindu ass
and fucking celebrate!

Now I heard that in Japan
Everyone just lives in sin
They pray to several gods
And put needles in their skin.

On December 25th
All they do is eat a cake
And that is why I go to Japan
And walk around and say…

Hey there Mr. Shintoist
Merry fucking Christmas
God is going to kick your ass
You infidelic pagan scum.

In case you haven’t noticed
There’s festive things to do
So lets all rejoice for Jesus
And Merry fucking Christmas to you.

On Christmas day I travel `round theworld and say,
Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists too,
Merry Fucking Christmas, To You!

Now if that doesn’t put you in the right mood, there’s only ONE thing I can do to shake the Christmas Spirit into your thick skull, and that is to introduce you to my new favorite Christmastime movie, In Bruges.

I think you know all the words.

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The benefits of turtleneck wearing

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Well this does explain the enduring popularity of turtlenecks. I’ve always sort of wondered why someone like Pierre Trudeau was so fond of them, but then, if you were married to this…

Margaret Trudeau, yo

Well, wouldn’t you prefer this?

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Beaver Shots: golden shower on video

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Archie's Beaver

It’s become fashionable, particularly among journalists, to lament the sorry state of contemporary journalism. Papers may be folding, reporters may be getting laid off, sure, but that doesn’t stop devoted professionals from bringing you the news that matters, day after day.

Take Debbye Turner Bell here of CBS‘s The Early Show.

Make that DOCTOR Debbye Turner Bell, former Miss America.

Since she was crowned Miss America 1990, Dr. Debbye Turner has spoken to 500,000 students at hundreds of schools, youth organizations, and college campuses. Her topics include personal excellence, unrelenting determination, goal setting, and the importance of a solid education. She strongly believes that any person has the potential for success no matter their race, socio-economic background, or gender. She uses her own life as an example of triumphing over the odds. It took seven years, eleven tries, in two states to get to the Miss America Pageant.

Heartwarming, is it not? Why, her parents must be so proud. It must be a great joy to them to turn the television on and see their little girl, all grown up and getting sprayed with urine by a flailing Canadian beaver.

THERE SHE IS, MISS AMERICA
From “The Miss America Pageant”
(Bernie Wayne)

There she is, Miss America
There she is, your ideal
The dream of a million girls who are more than pretty can come true
in Atlantic City
For she may turn out to be the Queen of femininity

There she is, Miss America
There she is, your ideal
With so many beauties she took the town by storm
With her all-American face and form

And there she is
Walking on air, she is
Fairest of the fair, she is
There she is – Miss America

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Beaver Shots: how to eat beaver

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Beaver freaks out Mel Gibson

Yes, this is a post about how to eat beaver. Not just ANY beaver, you understand; we have us some STANDARDS around these parts (these ones right down…here) and will not show you how to gnaw on gristly old beaver, the kind like an old baseball mitt made out of bbq jerky.

This kind:

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. “After all, dear,” she said to her husband, “You wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?”

“No,” her husband replied. “Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver.”

No indeed!

We’re all about the fresh, young beaver here. Although perhaps not as much as the lesbians down at Lick might like, now that we think of it.

Where were we? Oh yes, speaking of ourselves in the second-person plural, for no reason we can fathom other than it’s practice for when Randy Andy comes to his senses, loses some weight, and gets his butt off the golf course and marries me. Or Hot Ginge, I’m easy.

Anyway, it does look like some people could use instructions for the most basic things, like the great Canadian (yes, it’s Canadian, check out the website) art of beaver-eating. Why, we’ve even got 1/24th of each day devoted to beaver!

beaver john mccain

Dude, it’s too late for us to help you. Whereas, in my country beaver-eating is a competitive sport.

And the Aussies are no slouches at taking care of beavers, as you can see in this video that Metro has been waiting almost exactly one year for me to steal.

The Brits, on the other hand, have to go to great, bureaucracy-enveloping lengths to be reintroduced to beavers. What, they don’t have Lavalife there? Apparently, they killed every one they could find, thus bringing to life the old cliche about, If I see something I’ve never seen before, I’ll shoot it. Boarding school has a lot to answer for, I’m telling you.

Russia, of course, being somewhat desperate and all out of ponies and small children since Yeltsin sold every mammal larger than a husky, has developed its own way to prepare beaver for eating, and here it is, with photos. Warning! Very wet and lots of bare flesh!

The Catholic Church, surprisingly, has no issue with the Beav, and encourages people to eat it on Friday. Well, it’s a start, I guess.

The 17th century Catholic Church actually declared beavers to be a fish according to dietary restrictions, meaning they are ok to eat on both Fridays and throughout Lent.

Well, this should be more widely known, is all I have to say about the matter!

Some organizations can be so forward-thinking. Look at the Boy Scouts, for instance:

Did you know that the US Cub Scouts give a Silver Beaver award? I nearly got thrown out of the leader’s meeting for laughing so much when they gave it to a retired woman with grey hair.

Hmmm, it’s given for Outstanding Service to Youth. I know more than one or two beavers that would qualify under those criteria!

In the spirit of these fine organizations and countries comes a post from Bug Girl on her serendipitous discovery of a tome of wisdom devoted, at least in substantial part, to instructions on pleasing one’s wife with wild games and, of course, the preparation and consumption of beaver.

How to please your wife with wild games

How to eat beaver

The author claims the meat is “dark, moist and tender”; Hmmmm, sounds like somebody’s got a touch of Jungle Fever.

I wonder if it has some tips on how to stuff a beaver? It’s been so long I’ve forgotten.

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Welcome to the Naughty Palace

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They didn’t have playgrounds like THIS when I was little. Kuala Lumpur must be much friendlier than I’ve heard.

Welcome to the Naughty Palace

Yes, if ONLY it worked, the forbidding of stupid disease.

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