Ah, Japan. Land of the Rising Sun, the cherry blossom, mystical Mount Fuji, and blithely flaunted sexual perversions that would curl the toes of a back street dominatrix.
How I love you.
Yesterday I finally took a long-delayed trip around Japanprobe, and was not disappointed. There I found delights such as the lonelygirl15 of the East, the video blog of an inflatable sex doll’s day-to-day life in the booths (account now unaccountably suspended, whodathunkit?).
Among the gems to be found on the site was this, and for it I am truly grateful. Not that I own one. No, no, no, perish the thought.
Besides, I don’t have a credit card.
I remember with fondness the old Spy article about what Hollywood stars will get up to for money as long as they think none of their real fanbase will ever see it; Peter Fonda as an alien whose ejaculations are so powerful they blow the head off his partners comes to mind (so to speak). Yet, somehow, I suspect that this not-so-little beauty wasn’t exactly approved by the man whose image is being used to sell it to legions of Orientals of both sexes who rationalize, not without some justification, that this is as close as they’re ever gonna get to that cowboy from Thelma and Louise.
Pretty sweet, eh?
It’s just not Halloween if you don’t freak a few wusses out. In fact, the little kiddies might feel a tad ripped off and bored (not that these are not their default emotions nowadays) if you don’t come up with something especially spooktacular for the big night.
My personal best was the time I went as Munch‘s painting The Scream (this was before it got stolen, so I was at no risk of being carted off mid-trick-or-treat by Interpol). It must be admitted that I didn’t, in fact, go anywhere, I just stayed home and handed out candy, but still, my costume did not go unnoticed.
For one thing, I know how to make an entrance. When the doorbell rang, I hid behind the door and dragged it open a crack. Then I crawled my surgical-gloved fingers over the edge and slowly drew it open, revealing my misshapen head (it was a MASK, smartass) and black-robed, slightly beefier than emaciated, but what can you do eh? body, clad in the abaya that my mother had brought back from Saudi.
I was a menacing figure.
So, no change there.
One wee Superman‘s knees gave out completely at the sight of me. If he hadn’t been holding his parents’ hands on both sides, he’d have hit the floor. As it was, he swung limply for a moment before skittering, crablike, away as I silently brandished KitKats, Goobers and Nerds.
Half the time the rugrats wouldn’t come near me and I ended up throwing it at them.
Anyway, I promised you a how-to lesson on making the coolest jack o’lantern ever. And I shall deliver, with the help of Ray, from Villafane Studios, which I found via Fark. God forbid I should teach you how to carve punkins like mine; they always look like the guy in the head-on collision who didn’t make it, and who had to be identified through DNA. So give thanks, here are your instructions for creating a far cooler, far gruesomier, jack o’lantern than I could ever make for you.
If you have yet to try and carve a pumpkin in a 3-D manner you need to. Its fun and everybody enjoys a cool pumpkin. Unfortunately they begin to rot less than a week after carving so be sure to take plenty of pictures. You can experiment with ways of preserving them but I find nothing works better than a nice photo. Some chefs that I have carved for put lemon juice on the faces to help slow down the natural molding process that will occur.
I’d totally shop at this store. They’re in the credits; at the least, I can encourage my Wisconsonian friends to buy their arugula and sprouts at the Willy Street Co-op.
Provided By:
CHAD VADER In Major changes for Chad.
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Written and Directed by Matt Sloan and Aaron YondaChad/Hal – Aaron Yonda http://myspace.com/splu
Clint/Voice of Chad – Matt Sloan http://myspace.com/sloan11
Jeremy – Paul Guse
Clarissa – Christina LaVicka http://myspace.com/christin…
Weird Jimmy – Craig Johnson
Lionel – Bill Bolz
Randy – Brad Knight http://monkeybusinessinstit…
Customer – Kristian Knutsen
Shoplifter – Josh Klessig http://rashfilms.com
Tammy – KeaLynn Kees
Dog – Skyler
Well, if this doesn’t get my blog re-labeled Porn, nothing will.
Here is the loathesome apotheosis of all that is hateful about that little shit Elmo; hardcore furry-on-furry-on-furry action. We at the raincoaster blog have always kept a squinty eye on the horrible, giggling homonculus, and not without good reason. Reasons. As Defamer says,
FINALLY A CELEBRITY SEX TAPE WORTH OUR TIME
[Warning: The above video may be NSFW; please check your employer’s policy on viewing sexually explicit material starring plush children’s toys before viewing.]
This is from Poopycaca.com (when you need another fake news source, PoopyCaca is there). Me like.
The tape, made prior to Tickle Me Elmo’s success and fame on Sesame Street, was recently discovered by TMZ.COM working in conjunction with investigative reporters from PoopyCaca.com. “Tickle Me Harder” shows Elmo, who is credited under with the name “El Macho,” in compromising positions with two other actors, “Jack Mo’” and “Steve.”
Publicly, Elmo made a brief statement to reporters saying only, “Elmo no like.”
Well if you watch this video, you’ll have to disagree. It appears that Elmo likes it. He likes it hard!
raincoaster 