Cicero and Carnegie

My friend Carinthia, who has lived in the neighborhood for twenty-very-odd years, went to the Carnegie Library to get a book. Well, you would go to the library for a book, wouldn't you? She had in mind a particular translation of Cicero, the kind of thing that hasn't topped the best-seller lists in a couple of millennia. The kind of thing you expect to have to order from the West End, or the North Shore, but definitely not the kind of thing you think is readily available here on the Downtown EastSide.

She picked her way past the sixty or so drug dealers surrounding the building like a particularly saturnine ring, passed the needle exchange table, and went up the curving stairs into the round tower. Yes, the Carnegie Library had the translation she was looking for. You may not be surprised, but you haven't seen the Carnegie Centre or the Carnegie Library, a tiny subset of the Centre.

When the cafeteria is getting its food delivery they have to have one extra person to stay in the truck and guard everything or that delivery truck would be stripped to the rims in seconds. When it pulls up a crowd surrounds it immediately; exclusively big, burly guys who can lock onto a case of hotdog buns like a pit bull on a postie. They make no secret that they are there for whatever they can get, and if the guy in the truck is too dainty looking or without a 2×4 there could be real trouble.

The only time I've seen anything like it was in Indonesia, in Ambon, the part where they're killing the white people now. I was there just before they started, and as our ferry pulled up to the dock we saw thirty or forty would-be porters scrambling to get onto the staircase to the ship; it was the kind of stairs-on-wheels thing you see in old shots of the Queen. There were two port officials on those stairs, armed with bats, and every time a hand would grasp the rail over the dotted line they would whack it with the bats. We could hear the smack and clang over the throb of the engines. It's like those scenes on CNN when a truck with food pulls into a refugee camp and they try to rush it.

It's much the same outside the Carnegie Centre, except the delivery guys are quite big and they call out half the kitchen staff to help: they form a line like a bucket brigade, and pass the coleslaw and creamed corn or tofu whip or whatever it might be that day along into the kitchen.

Anyway, the Carnegie Centre. I wouldn't be surprised to hear there is a dressage outreach program in there, bringing German equestrianism to the Downtown EastSide. They have such a variety of amazing things inside this rundown, haunted and hunted building that it's like nothing so much as Mary Poppins' carpetbag. Reach in and pull out anything in the world. An art gallery? Sure. Martial Arts studio? Sure. Live nude drawing classes? Two-dollar meals? Gym? Computer labs? Symposiums? Meditation room? Senior's services? Youth services? Immigrant services? Sure, all that and the ghost of the old cleaner, too. If I needed a white rhino for any reason that's the first place I'd go, because if they didn't have it they would surely be on the White Rhino Network mailing list, and could give me a referral and probably some coupons to boot.

They also have a library, but perhaps I mentioned that. The library is about the size of a large bedroom, with special sections for books on the Downtown EastSide (quite a lot, actually; I guess we're famous) and for new immigrants and gender studies and other marginalized literature; here minorities are the majority, so this represents the majority of books in the library. Marginalization is standard; mainstreamers are outnumbered and so by definition also marginalized.

So the Carnegie had the Cicero, were in fact the only library around that had the Cicero. The Ancients are surely a marginalized group, if ever there was one, so the Cicero was bound to be there, since everyone on the Westside only reads Oprah's books. Only, it wasn't there.

There were six people on the waiting list for the Cicero.

So Carinthia put her name down for number seven and walked back home, past the largest open-air illegal drug market in the world, past the junkies tweeking on the sidewalks, past the hookers working all the angles of all the corners, past the empty park that smells like beer every morning, past the Chinese restaurant where OD's get locked in the bathroom until closing time whereupon the police are called, through her eight-foot high steel security gate and her deadbolted front door, and she made some tea and she sat down and she wondered what she really knew about her neighborhood.

It’s that time of the month

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting Time to give your meat a makeover.

From Vancouver’s favorite street hooker advocate, ex-prostitute, ex-city council council candidate, ex-current-and-future madam, and ex-man, Jamie Lee Hamilton.

MEAT n MIX


Hi All,

Just a reminder that next Friday May 26 is our Meat n
Mix at the Lotus – 455 Abbott Street. As usual from
6-9pm.

Besides our meat draws, we will have Queen for a day.
I have met a wonderful make-up artist named Sam, who
is going to demonstrate to us all his hot make-up tips
for the summer. We will draw a ticket for the lovely
lady who will be Queen for a day as Sam and myself
will do a complete make-up/transformation on stage.
You will be ready to strut the night away after at one
of your fav spots.

Since summer is approaching those new make-up colours
need to be explored. Sam will have on hand his brand
of Mac, Dior and Estee Lauder. I’ve already ordered a
number of his products.

As usual, funds raised for Meat n Mix will go toward
One-Woman NGO. Remember there is no charge to come to
Meat n Mix.

I really hope Colleen shows this time. If anyone has
seen Colleen please tell her all work and no play does
not make for Queen for a Day!

See you on Friday May 26 in the Mix pub for Makeover
Meat n Mix from 6-9pm.

PS all you guys need to attend as well cuz Sam will
offer skin care advice for you. 

Cheers

Jamie Lee

raincoaster produces a tiny episode of the Monkees, just for you

If they'll buy the premise, they'll buy the bit, right? 

So Peter's left to go back East to college. To study uh, to study uh, to study paleodentistry with Professor Grizelda at Miskatonic U. It is his keenest ambition to head up the glee club, and we feel certain he will one day achieve this dream, despite the Professor's weird possessiveness.

Meanwhile, back at the Malibu beach shack, Mike, Mickey and Davy get their big break…

on the Johnny Cash show.

Yep, seems Johnny's a real fan of Mike's slick country stylings and is dying to have them on the show. So…here the boys are, performing – well okay, here Mike is, performing Nine Times Blue while Mickey and Davy look on and try to nod as if they're enjoying it. This illusion is assisted, in Davy's case, by the fact that he is as drunk as a skunk, and in Mickey's case by the chemicals used to give him the white-fro and the other ones he apparently ingested shortly before taking the stage.

No doubt this is the key to appreciating country music; I shall make a note of it.

Afterwards, Johnny and the boys hang out and shoot the shit. I think Davy's coming on to Johnny, but then who wouldn't? Watch that leg, buddy! Afterward, they break into "Everybody Loves a Nut." Well, at least 10% of men do.

Then it's time for a word from our sponsors. Oops, no rest for the wicked! Looks like the boys are under contract and the studio's getting it's money's worth out of them!

Bidding Johnny a tearful farewell, particularly on Davy's part, they have to really move tail in the Monkeemobile to get to their next gig, as the warmup act at a Tony Robbins motivational seminar. With go-go dancers. If you doubt, check it out! It's summer break time, so Peter, back home for the holidays, reunites with the band. Ain't it groovy?

The fact that this video is totally out of synch with the audio doesn't actually matter; Davy was never a very good dancer to begin with, and back then they just didn't have the lipsynching technology that's enabled the rise of, say, Britney Spears. Just add lysergic acid until it all makes sense.

Then they hustle off to the studio to help Joan Crawford record a public service announcement about the importance of good housekeeping. No wire hangers! She develops an obsessive crush on Mike, so the boys pretend he's infested with constipation-causing parasites, pretend to be medics from a MASH unit, and evacuate.

Wow, after that don't we all need a good de-lousing or at least a nice Christmas carol?

Remember the eternal truths: Love is all you need, and everybody looks better in a maroon pirate-sleeved shirt.

God save the fuckin’ Queen, sayeth the Archies

Don't ask. Some things are better experienced than understood.

Harlem Punk Charleston