Yes, I’m making a modest proposal that you click away from my site (take a screenshot, this may never happen again) and go over to David B. Dale’s blog and read his heartwarming Thanksgiving story, destined to be an instant classic.
Why? Because…well, here’s the first line:
She was our youngest and tender-hearted (tender, in fact, throughout) and therefore hard to eat.
First, there was Goldman Sachs:
The world’s most powerful investment bank is a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming its blood funnel into anything that smells like money.
According to Matt Taibbi, it’s also a Great American Bubble Machine, but when you’ve won as many awards as Taibbi, the editors don’t insist you stick to one measly metaphor.
But, as Gawker discovered, it’s not really specifically Goldman Sachs that’s the vampire squid: according to the former government of Germany it’s the Jews who are a stabby, stabby, oil-crazed octopus. Behold
Very few people actually know that “Jewcephalopod” is the root word for “Jewcy.” It’s true. It’s a FACT.
But this globe-straddling, stabby, oil-crazed, vampire cephalopod is also Standard Oil:
as well as Big Transit, Big Politics, The System, and (again) Standard Oil.
From this, I believe we can only conclude that, in fact, the Rockefellers are Jewish.
Then Hitler showed the drawing to Hirohito, and thus was born tentacle porn.
This dude can take eight requests at a time, and refill your inkwell!
Perhaps we should set him up with this lovely Muslim octopus:
and now, a haiku Twitter octopus joke from Chris Twitery:
knock knock knock knock knock
knock knock knock who’s there? Not that
octopus again
Well this does explain the enduring popularity of turtlenecks. I’ve always sort of wondered why someone like Pierre Trudeau was so fond of them, but then, if you were married to this…
Well, wouldn’t you prefer this?
It’s become fashionable, particularly among journalists, to lament the sorry state of contemporary journalism. Papers may be folding, reporters may be getting laid off, sure, but that doesn’t stop devoted professionals from bringing you the news that matters, day after day.
Take Debbye Turner Bell here of CBS‘s The Early Show.
Make that DOCTOR Debbye Turner Bell, former Miss America.
Since she was crowned Miss America 1990, Dr. Debbye Turner has spoken to 500,000 students at hundreds of schools, youth organizations, and college campuses. Her topics include personal excellence, unrelenting determination, goal setting, and the importance of a solid education. She strongly believes that any person has the potential for success no matter their race, socio-economic background, or gender. She uses her own life as an example of triumphing over the odds. It took seven years, eleven tries, in two states to get to the Miss America Pageant.
Heartwarming, is it not? Why, her parents must be so proud. It must be a great joy to them to turn the television on and see their little girl, all grown up and getting sprayed with urine by a flailing Canadian beaver.
THERE SHE IS, MISS AMERICA
From “The Miss America Pageant”
(Bernie Wayne)
There she is, Miss America
There she is, your ideal
The dream of a million girls who are more than pretty can come true
in Atlantic City
For she may turn out to be the Queen of femininity
There she is, Miss America
There she is, your ideal
With so many beauties she took the town by storm
With her all-American face and form
And there she is
Walking on air, she is
Fairest of the fair, she is
There she is – Miss America
raincoaster 