Sami Salo’s injured testicle Speaks!

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Sami Salo is down, but his Twitter stats are up

OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!

Yes, Sami Salo’s not-quite-ruptured-but-seriously-slapshotted testicle has spoken. And to me, no less! Now get your ass over to TheCelebrityIndustrialComplex at TrueSlant and read the article in which I quiz Sami Salo’s ball! It’s the first time I’ve ever interviewed a celebrity testicle. Hell, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen balls that speak for themselves!

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Why I Hate Mother’s Day

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Batman on Mother's Day

via TheDailyWhat

Amen to that, My Favorite Comic Book Hero, and don’t forget all the “heartwarming” forwarded emails with dancing bunny gifs. I always feel like responding with, “Your email was so moving, it made me cry. And remember the few years my mother and I had together before SHE WAS CRUELLY AND PAINFULLY TAKEN FROM HER CHILDREN.”

The only plus side to Mother’s Day is the perfume deals, which I managed to miss entirely this year, having spent mother’s day either in the hospital getting checked out or at home asleep. Mind you, the view was not half bad at the hospital, thanks to all the weekend rugby warriors in with sprains, etc. The one with his face split open from a kick was particularly handsome…

Okay, so I have unusual tastes. Sue me.

Adventures into Darkness, horror stories

Image via Wikipedia

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Cthulhu wants you to stay in school

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Sense and Sensibility and SeaMonsters and Regency Period Tentacle Porn

And just why does Cthulhu want you to stay in school? So you can read awesome books like Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. Promotional book video below (yes, books come with videos nowadays, I guess so they can still appeal to the illiterates out there who can’t watch tv without moving their lips):

To say I was skeptical of the merits of this tome would be to understate the case to a positively perjorrific extent, and when I picked it up at the bookstore what actually ended up selling it wasn’t the book; it wasn’t even the premise, although with me anything with tentacles is a pretty safe bet.

It was the po-faced study questions in the back. I wish I had it handy, so I could type out the best bits, but here’s my absolute favorite:

10. Is Monsieur Pierre a symbol for something? Name three other well-known works of Western literature that feature orangutan valets. Are those characters also slain by pirates?

I always HATE the part in the comedy of manners when the ourangutan valet is slain by pirates. I mean, you know it’s coming, right? But what can you do about it, right? Nothing; amirite?

He also wants you to stay in school so that once it’s finished (oh, doesn’t everyone have a book they’re working on, destined to be put aside and picked up as the eons pass and never, ever finished?) you can read His autobiography, as told to Neil Gaiman.

I never knew my parents.

My father was consumed by my mother as soon as he had fertilized her and she, in her turn, was eaten by myself at my birth. That is my first memory, as it happens. Squirming my way out of my mother, the gamy taste of her still in my tentacles.

Don’t look so shocked, Whateley. I find you humans just as revolting.

Which reminds me, did they remember to feed the shoggoth? I thought I heard it gibbering.

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Pull the other one: ORBIS Pull for Sight

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As god is my witness, I thought airplanes could fly. Next Saturday, we’ll learn otherwise, as Vancouver International Airport hosts an old-skool plane pull-off for charity.
plane pull Pictures, Images and Photos
The charity is Orbis, and they’re all about the airplanes since they have one of their own:

The ORBIS Flying Eye Hospital circles the globe to train eye care professionals and treat underserved patients in developing countries. Here are the Flying Eye Hospital destinations for 2010, as well as previous years’ destinations.
Niamey, Niger
Kaduna, Nigeria
Kampala, Uganda
Dalian, China
Chengdu, China
Phnom Penh, Cambodia
Jakarta, Indonesia
Surabaya, Indonesia
Da Nang, Vietnam

I know some of the people who’ll be pulling next weekend: each team commits to raising a minimum of $1000 for the charity. Interested? Get 19 of your friends together, raise some money, and show up Saturday to pull a full-size FedEx plane 12 feet. The winning team is the one who pulls it the fastest (magnets in your shorts might seem like a good idea, but would probably result in an involuntary de-pantsing).

Here are the key deets:

When, Where and What Time is the Plane Pull?
The ORBIS Pull for Sight 2010 will be held in Vancouver, British Columbia. There is ample free parking on the FedEx Apron grounds. The event area opens at 10:00am with the actual pulls occurring between 10:30am and 12:30 pm. The event will take place rain or shine.

Date: Saturday, May 15, 2010
Time: 10:00 a.m. to 1:30 p.m.
Location: Vancouver International Airport – FedEx Apron
Address: 3151 Aylmer Road, Richmond, BC V7B 1L5

How much is it?
There is NO registration fee. Each team MUST raise a minimum $1,000. All donations are entitled to a tax receipt. (E.g. For a team of 20 members, each member only has to raise $50!)

Why participate?
All money raised through the ORBIS Pull for Sight 2010 will go towards supporting ORBIS’s Kids Sight program that will benefit blind and visually impaired children throughout the developing world.

Here is the pledge form! And may the best team win!

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I am still hungover, so here is an antique dancing pig movie

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via filledwithchocolatepudding

Enjoy?if you can. Watch to the very end to be completely freaked the fuck right out. I mean, a lecherous pig dancing with a flirtatious maiden is one thing; an expressive lecherous pig who dances with a flirtatious maiden is quite another.

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