Why don’t I ever get any fan letters?

Well, I get a fair few from people who want me to check out their websites for All Best Ambien Viagra Love Pillz. But I certainly don't get any like this one. From ElleGirl, of all places, via Gawker. Apparently, while the envelope is on the letterhead of a hospital (let me guess what kind of wards they have…) the return address is an Alaskan homeless shelter called the Glory Hole.

Of course it is. Isn't this where Don Simpson came from?

Letter to Ellegirl

Operation Global Media Domination: Hit me again, I can take it, I’m Irish

TIABehold, the chart which means more to me than an ECG, more than a roundel of feed stats, more than a breakdown of paycheque deductions (I think that's what it's called…paycheque… so hard to remember).

The Blog Hits Chart:

Blog Stats May 4 2006

Should I worry that the original size of this chart was 1040x666? Naaaaaaaaaaah.

In unrelated news, a friend of mine set me an intriguing test a couple of years ago. Can you name the seven deadly sins, WITHOUT consulting so much as your cat, much less Google or an actual Bible? Bet you can't, and I bet I know the one you leave off…everyone does. But not as completely or as well as I do.

Where was I? Ah yes, blog stats.

I have to say, when I went to bed last night things were looking good. I had already hit my "feel smug" baseline, which is 200. Now, you readers and I know quite well that if it weren't for a certain pair of nesting bald eagles and another pair of nesting bald eagles and my tendency to post the URL of relevant blog passages on the Guardian newsblogs (which are otherwise starved both of relevance and passagity, or is that passagassity?) I'd never see 200 hits in a day even if I caught Stephen Harper eating a baby on YouTube and you and I both know he's too smart for that: he has them brought to him pureed, in smoothies. Well, he must; he's never been photographed eating a baby, but who can tell what's in those cups eh? EH? Answer me that, me lad!

Where was I? Oh yeah, smug.

And when I got to the compy in the late PM, just before the statcounter clicked over from Today to Tomorrow, I was dumbfounded, for lo, I had done almost double the hits of my previous best day ever.

All because of bald eagles, ball-chasing Boris, and Beautiful Agonies.

And I, consumed in the glow of the ascendant short-tailer or is that bodian as opposed to long-tailer, clicked away for a moment, beaming with the irreproducable joy of having seen that graph approach the very top of the box.

FOOL THAT I WAS! FOOL, I SAY!

For lo, when I clicked back WordPress had analyzed the hit trend and decided to bump me back to the bottom of the graph; they have put the top bar at Eight Fucking Hundred and Ten Goddam Hits!

You know, in Fisherman's Wharf there are barrels and barrels of crabs and the fishmongers don't put any lids on them; they don't need to. When a crab makes a break for it and tries to crawl out, the others reach out and pull him back to the bottom.

Not that I'm bitter. Continue reading →

Boris uses his head

Image heartlessly stolen from Guido

image heartlessly stolen from Guido

A story has come out that could mean a big change for Boris Johnson, Tory MP for Henley and Shadow Minister for Higher Jinks. In fact, the truth is incredibly dirty. If this gets out, it could be the end of his career. But he'll do all right; from all reports, the man really knows how to use his head. Using the skills taught me by the inimitable (perhaps) Mirror, I have pieced together parts of a stunning whole. Below are actual quotes from Johnson himself, a pseudonymous poster on his blog, and some excerpts from an article on the whole sorry affair in the Telegraph.

BoJo works it, yo!

— —– was chanting "We want Boris" as he limbered up, waving his arms like a slightly rusty blond helicopter. The cheers grew and the cry of "Boris, Boris" became irresistible.

"I haven't p—-d since I was 18."

On he bounced, to raucous celebration.

The sight of the mop-haired MP for Henley's head powering into ——————'s groin brought a roar…

After…Boris, lager in hand, said: "I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move."

"I felt an enormous sense of achievement every time I actually touched the ball."

He insists that his m———s are in good working order but his chances of getting the call from Carole Caplin are slim.

"That was a lot of fun," said Boris. "I rather fancy doing it all over again. Do you think they will let me?"

Online sources tell raincoaster chances are good. One remark from a grateful fan:

your tackle last night made my life…Thanks Boris!!

This was followed quickly by fears of tabloid coverage:

Oh lord, I'm inadvertently giving the News of the World about all they need for a Bozza cover story.

I'll be more careful when analysing Johnson's tackle in future.

So perhaps his career as MP for Henley and Shadow Minister for Higher Jinks is over, but could this be the start of a new one? Say, Minister of State for Health Services?

Read on for a lovely shot of Johnson's tackle. Continue reading →

Don’t mind me. I’m just a…

Bitter CanadianBitter Canadian.

From DrinkNation, here is the Bitter Canadian although surely it cannot be the only one, particularly during the Playoffs.

While the recipe sounds like a pretty standard Whiskey Sour on the rocks, with bonus bitterness, this is NOT how one makes a drink like this. Puh-leeze! See if you can spot the errors.

Bitter Canadian

In a highball glass with ice, add the following in order:

1 1/2 oz Canadian Whiskey

sour mix to fill

2-3 dashes Angostura Bitters

squeeze of a wedge of fresh lemon

Continue reading →

Tank Man

Tank Man

Where [are] Hitler's Nazis? Where is the former Soviet Union? Where is Suharto's Indonesia or Pinochet's Chile? They're all gone, and the Chinese Communist Party and its dictatorship will be gone. And the men standing in front of tanks will stay. … And that's what this picture stands for me.

Xiao Qiang
Director of the Berkeley China Internet Project at the University of California, Berkeley.

Remember Tank Man? Half a generation after Tiananmen Square, has the Chinese government succeeded in their mission to crush the spirit and the memory of that moment? Frontline looks into the political legacy of Tank Man within the Hidden Kleptocracy:

After all others had been silenced, his lonely act of defiance against the Chinese regime amazed the world. What became of him? And 17 years later, has China succeeded in erasing this event from its history?

Tiananmen Square Demonstration

May 4

Student demonstrators mark the anniversary of "May Fourth."
Tens of thousands of students march into Goddess of LibertyTiananmen Square to commemorate the 70th anniversary of the 1919 "May Fourth Movement," which also took place in the square. They pledge to return to classes the next day but intend to keep pressing for reforms.

Zhao Ziyang, in a speech to foreign bankers, expresses support for the students' "patriotism" and essentially contradicts the government's April 26 editorial. This angers senior Party members.

While he's become a political icon for many of those in the Chinese diaspora as well as for those who were on the outside looking in, within China he's known, if he's known at all, as a criminal subversive. Religion truly is the opiate of the people, and in contemporary China they worship money. Stoned with the soma of seemingly instant cash, when confronted with proof of conspiracy among the princes they laugh it off and chalk it up to greater subtlety on their part, something to be emulated rather than fought against. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Indeed.

After the massacre, the enforced prohibition on any discussion of it, no challenge allowed to what the government did that night, no debate — that has induced deep cynicism amongst those same people who were active participants in the May '89 movement towards the realm of politics as a whole. They have been beaten back. Once again, the message has been driven home that they have no role in politics. They're not wanted. None of their business! Stay out!

[The people have] gotten the message. They're now deeply cynical about anything like that. Those aspirations have been crushed, and all that's left is what the Party is now offering them, which is the chance to make more money, if they're lucky. And who wouldn't take up that offer if it's all that's on offer?

It's possible change will never come from within, although we've seen compelling proof of the desire for it within our own lifetimes. I still remember the Spy magazine which listed every official fax number in China and advised you to fax a protest letter (also supplied) to as many as you could. It did actually bring the Mandarins to their knees for a time. This kind of culture jamming is still possible, aided if not abetted by the camel through the eye of a needle model of Internet access the government has dictated, but one factor we have to deal with today that we did not before is that, by culture jamming China, we will be costing American companies Google and Yahoo, among others, actual dollars. This tends to give Americans pause, if not because they want American companies to be rich, then because they don't want to get sued up the ass by American lawyers.

We are as of one mind in this.

But we're willing to do some culture jamming, or at least witness-bearing, unlike that ex of mine who, upon seeing hundreds of people on bicycles rolling into the square, and hearing shots and screams coming from the square, and seeing tanks and soldiers headed to the square, promptly went to his hotel room, locked the door, drew the curtains, and turned on the tv.

Note "ex."

Tank Man, 17 years later