Monthly Archives: August 2006

today in Midwestern Octopus news

Posted on by

Ohio Octopus

It’s not every day a mild-mannered MidWesterner catches a six-foot Pacific Octopus in the Ohio River, but it was Monday. Via Sploid.

“I thought, ‘This guy’s got to be drunk,’ ” Putt Where Waldo issaid. But “we looked at it and that’s what it was.”

The octopus might take the prize for weird discoveries at the falls, where park crews and visitors have found crocodiles and piranha-like tropical fish over the years — animals probably kept as pets and released by owners into the river and onto river banks.

If the Calamari Wrestler ever finds out who killed his cousin, the slime will fly!

Here’s a handy-dandy map of Ohio, just so you can wrap your head around how very far our Octopoid masters have learned to portage:

Octopus in Ohio Outrage!

your summer wardrobe essentials

Posted on by

Oooh, I think I need one of these, to go with my “Old Spice Girl” tee. Ladies and gentlemen (confused gentlemen only, please; no Moobers and Proud allowed!) Defamer presents your long-awaited CafePress Officer SugarTits wear for summer. Thongs available as well, but alas, no “Officer SugarTwat” insignia. Damn narrow, literal-minded cops!

Officer SugarTits, reporting for duty. Headlights on?

punchline o’ the day: Defamer on agents

Posted on by

Jamie Gold, CHIPs officerDefamer has possibly the best writers in the blogosphere, and every now and again they show you why.

I’m gonna be cruel and make you jump over to their site for the killer punchline, cuz that’s how I roll.

But read the setup first, otherwise there’s no payoff.

Unless you already work in Hollywood, in which case you’re living this nightmare.

“Agents ate my baby” shirt owners, hollaback!

Conflicted Former Agent Plays Winning Poker, Fears Fame

Reality show producer and former agent Jamie Gold is currently the chip leader at the World Series of Poker No Limit Hold ‘Em Championship in Vegas, but he’s terrified of winning–not because he’s afraid of the millions of dollars he’d take home, as an agent’s moneylust never truly fades, but rather because he fears the fame that a victory will bring. In an interview with ESPN.com, Gold explains why the idea of instant celebrity is so frightening that he openly muses about taking a dive into second place:

“I don’t want it,” Gold said. “I’ve seen what it’s done to other people. I’ve worked with actors from James Gandolfini to Felicity Huffman to Lucy Liu.”Gandolfini wanted nothing to do with fame. If you notice before ‘The Sopranos,’ he never did a movie that put him in the spotlight. He never did Jay Leno. He never did an interview. He never talked to the press. He didn’t want any of it. He couldn’t stand it because he knew what would happen to his life.

“He got in an accident in New York City and someone walked over to him and said something like, ‘Well, you’re Tony Soprano, so you don’t need any help.’ Craziness. It’s insane..”

It’s not too hard to understand why a behind-the-scenes player (or anyone who’s even fleetingly considered a messy suicide upon hearing an actress discuss who she’s wearing on the red carpet) like Gold would eschew the spotlight, but we think there might be a deeper psychological explanation for his fame-phobia revealed by the Gandolfini story.

Find out what it is here. BTW, ‘nother hottie, but he I think he flies the other airline. Either that or he’s emo; all I know is, I’m not that good with eyeliner.

Blackzilla

Posted on by

the Rapture index

Posted on by

 Rapture Index, getcha rapture on!

This looks to be about as accurate as those “arrival/departure” listings at airports, but it’s better than nothing. Until I get my own set of finely-calibrated Swiss stigmata, I’ll just have to bookmark The Rapture Index, your handy-dandy guide to the approaching End of Days.

Today’s forecast is for continued instability, with an expected average Rapture Score of 158 with lows of 151 and highs of 159, which reminds me of the Hard Drug Report (was it Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie?); for the weekend flurries of cocaine are forecast, with highs where you think you’re superman and lows where you’re depressed and impotent.

Let’s go to the snapshot, shall we:

You could say the Rapture index is a Dow Jones Industrial Average of end time activity, but I think it would be better if you viewed it as prophetic speedometer. The higher the number, the faster we’re moving towards the occurrence of pre-tribulation rapture. 

Rapture Index of 85 and Below: Slow prophetic activity 
Rapture Index of 85 to 110:     Moderate prophetic activity 
Rapture Index of 110 to 145:    Heavy prophetic activity  
Rapture Index above 145:        Fasten your seat belts 
I begin to like this guy. He may be a religious nutter, but he's
the kind of religious nutter I'd like to have by my side at the end.

2003 High 177  2004 High 157 2005 High 161 2006 High 159
2003 Low  133  2004 Low  135 2005 Low  143 2006 Low  151

Record High 182        Record Low 57 
24 Sept 01              12 Dec 93

COMMENTS ON ACTIVE CATEGORIES
  02 Occult     The lack of activity has downgraded this category.
 03 Satanism:     Satanism is reported to be flourishing in Russia 
04 Unemployment:     The US job market shows signs of improvement.
05 Inflation:     Higher inflation has rattled the stock market. 
06 Interest Rates:     Federal Reserve raises the core interest rate to 4.75%
07 The Economy     The economies of The U.S. and Japan show healthy growth.
08 Oil Supply/Price     The price of oil climbs to around $70 per barrel.
09 Debt and Trade:     The U.S. federal and trade deficits hit new highs.
11 Leadership     During the past few weeks, several end-time categories have
 become locked in a holding patern.