Monthly Archives: May 2008

The Solution for the Zeta Male Dilemma

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Or is that “The Dilemma of Zetality?” Something like that, for sure.

Yes, here via SondraKiStanUSA and AgentBedhead comes the solution for the heartbreaking loneliness that is the sad fate of millions of loveless basement-dwelling males.

ImaginaryGirlfriends.com.

Imaginary Girlfriends

The girls are real. The relationship is not. When your time is up you can break up with her for whatever reason you decide, and she’ll write you a final letter begging you to take her back. Our service is easy-to-use, lots of fun, and discreet. The privacy of our customers and Imaginary Girlfriends is always protected.

And check out some of the profiles:

Jenniferread more
 Age 20
From London, England
“Our long-distance relationship will seem completely believable… the fact that it isn’t real will be our little secret! ”

Imaginary Girlfriend Service:
Personalized Letters Photos
E-Mails Online Chat

So much cheaper than the real thing! And you never have to leave Mom’s basement. Unlike an icky old RealDoll, there’s never any suspicious-looking packaging involved, nor any sticky surfaces to clean!

Except the underside of the desk, of course.

Oh, wait! They’re hiring! I think I sense an opportunity!

Writers wanted:

5PM Interactive and ImaginaryGirlfriends.com are seeking creative, fun-loving women to join us! If you’re over 18, love to write and welcome the opportunity to earn extra cash, consider joining our site as an Imaginary Girlfriend. ..

We’re looking for someone who can provide an authentic long-distance girlfriend experience with a minimum of actual interaction. [awesome; this is exactly what I always look for in a relationship!] … Of course no actual romantic relationships are involved and you will never be encouraged to be a real life girlfriend in any situation.

Seriously, this sounds like TOTALLY MY THING. I’ve been a real girlfriend, and frankly there are roles in this world which suit me better, if you must know. Like accountant.

If you turn your nose up at the very idea of a virtual girlfriend, think for a moment what happens when one of these prime specimens lumbers out of his subterranian den in search of a mate.

How a Nerd Picks Up a Girl (or if I’m any judge, how he fails to do so) from Coffee&Biscuits is a list of pickup lines going around Facebook. Now you know why I’m not Facebookish.

Some samples:

  • How about I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU?
  • Nice set of floppies!
  • The volume of a generalized cylinder has been known for thousands of years, but you won’t know the volume of mine until tonight.

and the probably WordPress-specific:

  • You had me at “Hello World”

Samuel L. Jackson’s past as a Junior Hockey coach

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Not many non-Canadians know, but Junior Hockey is the bloodiest. Oh, there may be less blood on the ice, but there is far more in the stands and in the parking lot. My parents, for instance, who, having two figure skating daughters, had no particular interest in junior excuse me Junior Hockey, still went out to every game. And why?

Because they were fight fans, and they watched the stands.

Hockey parents are notoriously bloodthirsty. If William Wallace were building an army now, he would choose from the stands of Junior Hockey and be assured of the bloodthirstiness of his crew. And, in Samuel L. Jackson, this crowd has at last met its match in a coach that will say, “Fuck your pussy son’s bench-warming ass, I am playing Lucifer and Fang on defence and there is fuckall he or you or any creature in Creation can do about it, you motherfucking minivan-driver!”

Can I get an “Amen!”?

Weezer: Pork and Beans and Posts and WordPress.com

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I know three point two million people have already seen it, but I can think of nothing more appropriate with which to celebrate my glorious return to the internets! Yes, finally the Write Post page takes less than five minutes to come up, and it appears that I may even be able to post pictures, although not via the super-snazzy flash uploader. I note with terror that Photobucket and Flickr are also debuting flash uploaders, potentially cutting off my only working workarounds…dear god, if I developed these workarounds and held them for ransom I could actually make a decent living. Although Automattic’s footsoldiers might put me on their to-do list.

Should I be proud or mortified that I identified more of these than Valleywag did?

Oops

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Spoke too soon. WordPress.com is having its traditional Friday fits.

A Return to Blogggerville

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Normal (abnormal?) posting will return shortly. For whatever reason the computer hasn’t been cooperating over the past 24 hours.