Covid-19 Briefing Bingo: Introducing Seymour

We have wronged you, people. We have failed you. Yesterday we introduced the Fifth Generation Covid Briefing Bingo Card, and we left one of the squares totally obscure! We apologize: only the most dedicated of raincoaster followers, the fine print readers, would know what was meant by “Seymour.” Bottom right-hand square.

Allow me to introduce you to Seymour.

Say hi to Seymour!

Seymour is the little jade or soapstone or whatever, possibly extraterrestrial green stone sculpture of a lion or a bear or an idol of some undiscovered species of Great Old Ones-worshipping alien that may or may not have been brought to Earth æons ago when the wriggling forms of primitive, protean life squirmed their way out of the mire and stood or crawled in the light of the sun for the first time.

So, yeah. It looks like a Seymour to me. So Seymour it is.

Anyhoodle, here’s today’s video for today’s Covid Briefing Bingo, which we are doing live for the first time since we got sick like six weeks ago, but were told “Oh, it’s not covid” BUT I’M OVER THAT NOW!

Covid Briefing for October 23 featuring Justin Trudeau, Treasury Board President Jean-Yves Duclos, Intergovernmental Affairs Minister Dominic LeBlanc, and Public Services and Procurement Minister Anita Anand, as well as Dr. Theresa Tam, Canada’s chief public health officer, and Dr. Howard Njoo, the deputy chief public health officer.

Our previous bingo cards:

AND WE ARE OFF!

Check off “reporter sits in front row” and “Blue suit” and “Begins in French” for once, and also “Someone is present only on video” and BAM! Also “Vaccine.” Pretty good first 90 seconds. And ahem, more than one person was wearing “Blue or grey suit with brown shoes which is JUST MORALLY WRONG” so be sure to mark off that accursèd square.

And yet another “Finds a new way to give Canadians money” and “Names specific Canadian Businesses” and wow, also “Throat malfunction”. We’re going to get a row filled in today, I can just feel it! Oh yeah, there’s “Vaccines” again, and also “Drinks Water.”

And there’s “Gavi” from the second generation card. And “Refers to Dr. Tam” again, because she’s right there. Oh yay, we just hit the highest number of cases ever in one day. Soooooooper.

And now we are getting an explanation of how pandemics are, obviously, a social problem, and how following the advice of health experts can contribute to not only saving yourself from infection, but also stop the spread in its tracks. And how we damn well better.

A nice shout-out by Dr. Tam and Dr. Njoo to the Canadians working on fighting the virus through science. And lots and lots about “rapid testing” so mark that square on the Fifth Generation card.

At the 52 minute mark the sign language interpreters get swapped out. Do their hands get tired? That’s a square, so mark it off.

Now to the questions from the media: didn’t notice if there was a “drinks water” in the traditional place, but we got it earlier anyway. Ironically, first question, from APTN, about whether or not Trudeau’s government will meet its goal to lift boil water advisories on reservations by March 2021. And we get “Gosh, things are difficult, look at all we’ve done so far, Covid makes things hard, next question please.”

We do get the “Mentions a reporter by name” which is only fair, as they pretty much all call him either “Mister Trudeau” or “Mister Prime Minister” which, now that I think of it, must be very Freudian for him.

And there’s TorStar offering up the opportunity to give us the “Shades the US” square, but he just won’t do it today. The standard “What if the US goes all to hell on election day?” and the response is basically “Hey, they’ve been doing elections longer than almost anyone on Earth (hello, France) so we have faith they can do it this time.” Does Trudeau know something we don’t? Like that all those FSB hackers have defected and are living in a commune on Vancouver Island somewhere? OOH can you get me Phineas Fisher’s autograph?

That was a very half-hearted “Gesticulates” but it was a “Gesticulates” so mark that square off. Even if it’s thumbs-only, it still counts. Oh wait, now there’s some full-on gesticulation occurring. You can mark it off with a wide dabber now, instead of a narrow felt tip.

Haha, “Every step of the way” I thought we’d never hear that one again. I think that’s on the first generation bingo card.

Pretty awesome to hear more than one organization hammer the water quality on reservation question. Squeaky wheels and all that.

That said, I’m not sure “Okay you tried and failed, why should they trust you to get it right this time” is the narrative the Liberals would appreciate you pushing right now.

I don’t get the focus on rapid testing. The results are currently taking fewer than four days. Anyone can stay home for four days, no? Trudeau seems to agree, calling out “shiny new” things that people focus on, while the government has to ensure that they are both safe and effective before using them on Canadians.

Reporters are beginning to learn they have to say “with regards to this SPECIFIC example” otherwise Trudeau will generalize and macro-POV things till they are essentially meaningless, but comforting. And Trudeau’s out, putting on the mask so mark your “Maple Leaf Accessory” because we’re not going to give you that square every time there are flags present.

We’re not that easy.

So is that annoying little alert coming from my computer or CPAC or someone’s phone or what? Because it’s really fucking annoying. Aw, poopiecaca, and we do not say that lightly, it’s my headphones running out of juice. I may have to bail on this briefing prematurely. And I hate being premature.

Oh my god, have you ever seen anything more Canadian? Ministers complimenting one another on their fluency in the two official languages and being humble about their own abilities.

Okay, there’s your PPE square. I think that’s third generation card. And that’s it, my friends. I’ve got to bring the #Covid19 #BriefingBingo to a close because my headphones died so I can’t continue to use the laptop and The Roommate is watching his reruns and it’s his tv so as we all know the ownership of the means of entertainment (capitalists) are the dominant class (bourgeoisie). I won’t be booting him off the tv any time before The Revolution. And since there aren’t enough of me here to unionize (there’s only one of me, much to the relief of billions and the regret of a few. A happy few) that leaves me pretty much powerless.

See you next time, kittens.

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