The Vice Regal Covid Briefing Bingo

Here we go. No fancy framing theme today, because I used all my mojo up yesterday creating a platform for my run to be elected Governor-General. I had no idea standards were so low: I may actually have a real shot at this. Haven’t killed anyone with a car yet, nor beaten a spouse, but hey, day’s not over, amirite?

One notes with interest that they’ve already killed her GGJPayette Twitter account, and now it’s just Canadian_GG. Oh, snap!

I need to go back and amend that post about becoming Governor-General, to put Mike Holmes in charge of all the permaculture-related renovations at Rideau Hall, and give Scott McGillivray some sort of “facilities manager” title just to keep him around so I can look at him. God knows, I’m a sucker for a good head of hair.

Oh yes, and we will write it into the rules that in order to graduate from a Canadian university, you must spend at least six months working in either retail or food and beverage service, ie waiting tables, cashier, sales floor, or cooking and/or serving fast food. No exceptions, no fancy bougie compound sinecure your connected uncle gets for you (“Second Under Barback at Bohemian Grove” spare me; if your shoes don’t smell like beer at the end of a shift, you ain’t a barback), no management jobs. Yes, welcome to the life of a front line worker. Your proletarian brothers and sisters embrace you! Enjoy your Teachable Moment.

Quit Stalin!

Meanwhile, you can’t tell me Twitter isn’t comedy gold.

But where was I? Oh yes, explaining that there would be absolutely no elaborate introduction, nor framing device for today’s Covid Briefing Bingo. None. Zip. Because it’s 2021 and we’re over it, really, aren’t we?

Very well, here we go. Our video is here:

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau provides an update in Ottawa on the federal government’s response to the ongoing COVID-19 (coronavirus disease) pandemic. In his remarks, the prime minister also comments on the resignation of Julie Payette as governor general and on his upcoming telephone call with U.S. President Joe Biden, during which he is expected to discuss the president’s decision to cancel the permit for the construction of the Keystone XL pipeline.

Get your cards:

We have a whack of squares to mark before we even begin: Rideau Hall/Cottage, Outerwear, Gloves, Scarf, Can See Your Breath, but no new porchscaping. We must struggle along with the old. On Tuesday he did wear new gloves, so somebody must have gotten him some for Christmas. In case you were, you know, worried.

The whole speech, not including media Q&A, is here.

Aight, here we go. Mark your “Begins in French” and we don’t have a square for “Gives very newsworthy, pertinent information only in French in hopes of avoiding what he knows to be inevitable” but if we did, you could mark that square. It’s basically just the statement he released yesterday. “Serious Teacher Voice” active as well, for obvious reasons. I loved Payette, but apparently she yelled at the wrong princelings too many times. Prolly wouldn’t have loved her if she yelled at me, it’s true. But going to jail for socking the GG in the kisser would assure my place in history.

I think this is only the latest iteration of the “Shades Payette” roll Trudeau has been on for the last, oh, 24 hours. Too bad that’s not a square. Mark your “Governor-General present or mentioned” square, and if you’d like to channel the Prime Minister, mark it with extremely frosty prejudice.

His statement yesterday was positively icy: when was the last time someone in a senior position resigned or even was fired and Trudeau didn’t say a single nice thing about them? Not one thing. This is what you get when Trudeau expends social capital on you and you fuck it up for him. As long as Le Dauphin’s arbitrary choices are all a success, nobody complains. This, with an election call imminent and the Tories and NDP working together for once and for blood, this is not the time Justin Trudeau wants anyone complaining about him or his team.

“I have received today the resignation of the Governor General of Canada, the Right Honourable Julie Payette. Ms. Payette became Governor General on October 2, 2017, and has fulfilled her duties to uphold parliamentary democracy and serve the public.

“Every employee in the Government of Canada has the right to work in a safe and healthy environment, and we will always take this very seriously. Today’s announcement provides an opportunity for new leadership at Rideau Hall to address the workplace concerns raised by employees during the review.

“On an interim basis, the Chief Justice of Canada will be fulfilling the duties of the Governor General. A recommendation on a replacement will be provided to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and announced in due course. ”

Statement by the Prime Minister on the resignation of the Governor General

Unrelated: no, but for reals the next card will have a square for methane emissions from The Roommate, because you’d think he’s been living on beans lately. NOT ENOUGH SCENTED CANDLES IN THE WOOOOOORLD!!!!1!

There goes another.

Okay, COLUMN for methane emissions. We’re at seven now.

So, this is where we are: the point where we’re re-purposing our portables from education to hospitalization. Portables are the language of Failure of Government-Provided Infrastructure. They are the language by which governments communicate their failure to look farther ahead than the next Angus Reid poll.

“The spike in COVID-19 cases this month has put a real strain on hospitals. For Ontario in particular, the situation is extremely serious. When we spoke last week, I told Premier Ford we would be there to support Ontario with any assistance they need. Keeping you and your family safe is our top priority. That’s why our government is deploying two federal Mobile Health Units to the GTA.”

Doug Ford wants to be a part of Trudeau’s world in the worst way, and he has succeeded. Literally. Mark your “Doug Ford” square, but not your “bromance” one. I bet Doug has texted Trudeau like four times and Trudeau has only replied, “k.” That’s where the bromance is at right now.

67099 cases of Covid-19 active in Canada right now. Thank you, Chyron Person at @CPAC_TV.

I remember once something was going to happen, and then it got cancelled by the President of the United States, and you know what? I didn’t sue Justin Trudeau. I just got the fuck over it. Do you think Jason Kenney even has big boy panties to pull up?

“Rapid testing” and “Team Canada” squares active. And you may now snicker if you opposed Keystone. No square, but so emotionally satisfying. “Got your backs” too. And “Team Canada,” haven’t had that one in a while.

Eight. Nine. One more and that’s two full columns. Maybe I should just make a square for double-digit emissions. Oh man, I bet he’d be really popular in Alberta.

“Vaccine” is on now. “Pfizer” as well. And now “Moderna”. Pfizer and Moderna are the Stanley and Livingstone, the Sonny and Cher, the Marie Curie and That Guy She Was Married To of the vaccine world.

This should have happened a literal year ago.

God, I wish I’d called it “Dad Voice” on the bingo cards.

Looks like Trudeau is really looking favourably on my application to be G-G, because his remarks just absolutely tanked the prospect of a resurgence of the pet-sitting industry for the foreseeable future.

Mark your “Reiterates the border will remain closed” square.

Indeed, and let us mention once again, from all-too-personal experience, that when the CRA tells you that you need to prove you qualified for the CERB and CRB benefits, it automatically freezes your supports. And they stay frozen until CRA has processed all the papers; currently that takes in excess of four weeks. In my case, at the four week mark I got a phonecall asking me for more documentation, which I sent in, and now the four week ticker starts all over. That’ll be two months without CRB benefits, over Christmas, and that is why I’m not enriching some local landowner by renting my own place, and some local grocer by buying the fancy foods, like animal-based proteins.

But I’m over that.

Mark the “Biden” square, and yeah, I’m gonna give you the “Shades Trump without naming him” square as well. And “Got your backs”.

“I know that President Biden and I, we’re on the same page when it comes to climate change, the importance of creating good middle class jobs, and the need to build a more peaceful, stable world. For a long time, Canadians and Americans have stood together in the face of challenge and change. Together, I know that we can continue to improve the lives of people on both sides of our border.”

Maaaaan, I think you can tick the “Bromance” square, for Trudeau’s starry-eyed soliloquy on Joe Biden’s America. Bad news for Doug Ford, who is now That Ex Who Won’t Just Go Away. Dumped for the shiny new American; wasn’t that a plotline on Trailer Park Boys?

“Who we are” square active now. Question time, no doubt Le Devoir is first. Oh, I’d have lost a bet, it’s not.

“Drinks water” square active. And Payette apparently had a history of leaving jobs under clouds regarding her treatment of staff. I thought it was Tories who had a lock on that. Interesting that he talks about “safety”. And “Passive tense” for “concerns that were raised.” Like, did she HIT people? [edited to add: hooooooo boy. Ah, innocence. Well, let’s put it this way: only one of the victims actually died].

I wish I had a button for someone to bring me my coffee. It’s sitting in the kitchen getting colder. Here we go again with “Safe and secure workplace” and he’s thanking the workers at Rideau Hall as if they’d been through a war. Literally. If I had servants, I wouldn’t hit them. Not even if they were into that. That’s a Tory thing, as I think we’ve established.

But seriously, someone please bring me my coffee.

Ten, Eleven, Twelve.

Mark your “Biden” Square about twenty times. And kudos, moderator, for making sure the answers come out in two languages, not just one.

Minority Government makes the appointment of the GG a more interesting prospect. More complicated. True, but you know what? If you’re not going to give it to me, just give it to Baby Archie. Everybody loves Baby Archie.

Half an hour exactly. Justin Trudeau is getting more disciplined about these things. now time to go back and put it all in the blog. Oh, have you seen my latest post, btw?

People, Justin Trudeau is NEVER going to make Don Cherry Governor-General. Would YOU want that bloviating chud living next door to you? Especially if your “subdivision” was just the two houses.

Meanwhile, in the US:

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