Oh, Ship!

Cthulhu sez wutz goin on in this boat

WE NO HAZ UR BUKKIT DOOD!!!

It’s not all fun and games out there on the deep blue sea.

That’s CCTV footage of the giant cruise ship the Pacific Sun, being shaken up like a snow globe by the powers of wind and water or perhaps something a little more sinister. If you cruise around LiveLeak, Break, or YouTube you can find any number of videos entitled “DEADLY 20 FOOT WAVE” and so on, but really, a 20-foot wave is nothing. For devotees of Cthulhu such as my fine self, we don’t even notice anything under “Cyclopean” unless, that is, it’s non-Euclidean.

Non-Euclidean waves will always have a special place in my heart, as will the HPL geek who wrote this spell-checking program and included the word non-Euclidean therein.

If you’re a sea geek like me, you probably watched, though claimed not to enjoy The Perfect Storm, but of course you had the book years before. And from that book, you probably remember many terrifying oceanic factoids, such as the fact that waves far higher than the theoretically possible maximum of 150 feet are routinely spotted via satellite imaging, and that a rogue wave once blew out the pilothouse windows on the Queen Mary, and further you remember that the pilot house windows on the Queen Mary are – get this – 92 feet above the water line. The wave was so tall that, even at an altitude of 92 feet, it was sufficiently thick and powerful that it crushed steel-framed, reinforced glass.

So yeah, enjoy that cruise vacation.

Dolphins KNOW, man. THEY KNOW

They're actually saying Iä! Iä! Iä!

Cthihuahua fhtagn!

The dinosaurs were actually smaller than anyone imagined

The Cthuloid Cabazon Floyd; now it all makes so much sense!

Many warnings have we uttered. Many Cassandra-like cries have we cried to the oblivious masses. Not once, not twice, nay, not even thrice have we attempted to spread the truth about these malevolent, trembling mole-rats. We have shouted from the rooftops and twittered from the back alleys yea unto an thousandtimes, but have ye listened?

The Hell ye have.

They are not shy about their plans

we must strike back in the daytime, while they are trapped in purses around the globe

Let me give it to you straight, people: Chihuahuas are not simply evil, snappish, inbred yap machines, they are the spawn of the Great Old Ones themselves, come to Earth to subjugate mankind.

And from the neurasthenic, snappish comments on this Gawker post, they seem largely to have succeeded.

The woman dropped off 33 chihuahuas on Wednesday and nine more on Thursday morning. One of the chihuahuas gave birth to a puppy on Thursday, bringing the total to 43. All but six of the dogs are under the age of two…

and all but two of them needed spaying/neutering, and, in true Cthulhuonic fashion, they were deeply inbred, with all the revolting mental and physical deformities that go with that unspeakable aberration. But, right, I already TOLD you they were Chihuahuas. What’s most alarming is the number of commenters to whom the same descriptors can be applied.

You rarely see Rottweiler people getting pissy about people who don’t like Rotties. When was the last time you saw some undersexed, overmedicated chainsmoker screaming at someone because that person said their Labrador was “not a dog” eh? EH? The Labrador, you see, is a dog, as is the Rottie. As are the mutts at the pound, and the surly curs of Cairo back alleys, but as are not the tiny, fanged demons known as Cthihuahuas. They have obviously infiltrated the minds of the unwary, or the weak, and seized control

Long have we known, but been unable to prove to the doubters (a situation with which this far-ahead-of-its-time-and-incidentally-overhyphenated blog is all-too-familiar). Now, finally, from a remote Antipodean outpost not terribly far from the last reported sighting of The Great Cthulhu comes photo proof:

CthiCthuaCthua

CthiCthuaCthua KNEEL DOWN AND WORSHIP, BITCHES!!

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World’s Least-Cute Octopus Found

Remember when we brought you the world’s cutest octopus all the way from the frozen waters of Eastern Canada? Isn’t the little fella just adorbz?

World's Cutest Octopus, Octo-Newf

Well, now we’ve gone and found you his (literal) polar opposite: an Antipodean octopus so unstoppably noxious that that its poisonous venom flows at will even at sub-zero temperatures.

world's scariest octopus Pareledone aequipapillae

According to Wired (hey, when did they get on the Cthulhu beat? I WILL NOT BE MUSCLED OUT, YOU CARPETBAGGERS!!!):

“Antarctic octopus venom works at temperatures that would stop other venoms in their tracks,” said biochemist Bryan Fry of the University of Melbourne, who led the expedition…

The venoms are being studied as potential sources of pain-killers, Fry said, because they work on the nervous system. So far, analysis of the venom has revealed two toxins that are new to science.

Ah, but not to us Comparative Folklore majors, eh?

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Octo-Newf, world’s cutest Newfie

OctoNewf, world's cutest Newfie!

That is an as-yet-unnamed-but-obviously-world’s-cutest variety of octopus that’s been found by a new expedition to the dark depths off Newfoundland. I suggest “Octo-Newf” as it is both geographically specific and way cute. As we’ve mentioned before, cute is critical in our contemporary media climate. You’ve gotta have a gimmick if you hope to knock Boat Smashing Whale off the evening news.

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Peeler Video!

This shocking video must be seen to be believed! Prepare to be mind-blown as you watch this leggy beauty take it aaaaaaaaaaall off!

Your cognition has never been so dissonated!
(except by this)

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